In the wake of Nikki being dumped by Pete, will she be able to manage this week’s show? The good news is … well of course. She’s even bought a Pete Replacement, a chihuahua called Baby. We found out later in the show that Baby poo’ed on Nikki’s bed and cardigan – I fervently hope that wasn’t one of Pete’s things too.

And with all the newspaper inches devoted to the Pete and Nikki story, Nikki has been horrified to discover that some people actually don’t like her, and think she’s a horrible person. So, she’s resolved to be a better person, not so much like the Nikki we all know and. … er….love. How long will it last?

Hopefully, it will last long enough for her to cope with her first job this week, which could cope in handy for dealing with Baby – a kennelmaid. Her starting task? Cleaning up all the dog poo. ‘Why does every job you give me involve poo?’ she plaintively wailed. Because we know how you’ll react! To be fair, despite an in-depth discussion on the differences between dogs with diarrhoea and dogs with constipation, Nikki rose to the challenge. Could this new Nikki be here to stay?

Fortunately not. After weeks dealing with all types of plop, she went off it big time when she was confronted with … sweeping up a room full of doggy hair. ‘I’ve got a nose fulllllll of fuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!’ And that was that.

Next day, after being woken at 6am, we saw a tantrum of truly epic proportions. She proclaimed she was quitting the show, objected to being filmed in a state of distress (how bizarre is that?) and stormed off to reception. Amazingly (probably after a word with her agent) she changed her mind, and headed off to be a zoo keeper for the day. ‘Will I have to deal with the poo?’ By George, she’s got it.

And first poo of the day was Okapi Poo. She took to it, if not with enthusiasm, then at least with only a couple of tantrums (‘I’m soooo coooooooold!!’ ‘You might be cold, Nikki, but there are dangerous animals behind the door you were about to open’) After clearing up enough poo to keep the keepers happy, she was led to Twilight World. Briefly. I’m not quite sure who was more scared, the cricket or Nikki – its too close to call.

As punishment for screaming, Nikki was sent to sex rats. Now, this isn’t quite as pervy as it sounds: pick the rat up by the base of its tail, it splays its back legs out, and you can see if its got testicles or not. (Oh, that brings back memories of having to sex a litter of mice, but that’s another story) Nikki was concerned ‘Will it jump up and strangle me?’ Its ok Nikki – I’ve googled it, and I can’t find any documented mention of death by rat strangulation. She was doing well, until her screaming was deemed to be too upsetting to the animals, and she was removed. But what else could she do?

She could be a Seal Impersonator. And what a natural she was, too. I can confirm thought – Nikki, yes, you did look like a giant turd. Fortunately not from anything suffering from diarrhoea.

This article was written by Lynne Goulden, our newest contributor at Unreality TV. Welcome aboard Lynne! Check out Lynne’s own X Factor journal here.