It seems as if the producers have finally heeded our prayers, and this week’s episode was a mostly faeces free experience.

I would have loved to have done the Nikki Challenge this time round as she was whisked off to the beautiful Lake District, and indoctrinated as a member of the Patterdale Mountain Rescue Team. Nikki seemed to spend most of her time either tantruming with a tortured expression on her face, or with a manic gleefulness: I’m not quite sure which was the scarier!

First up – how to get in a boat, Nikki Style. Scream. Shout. Wail. Moan. Beg to be carried. How to get out of a boat, Nikki Style. Scream. Shout. Wail. Moan. Beg to be carried. If it hadn’t been for the moments of enjoyment whilst she was actually in the boat, when she stopped screaming, shouting, wailing and moaning, I think she would have been dumped wholesale into the depths of the lake. However, the Rescue Team would brook no patheticness, and Nikki was manhandled, cajoled and dragged up the mountain. ‘I need rescuing now’ she whinged – no, its this show that needs to be rescued.

When she forgot about herself, she did quite a good job. Reassuring the unfortunate Anna with her simulated broken leg, and even setting off carrying the stretcher, Nikki threw herself into it with what was almost a smile. It didn’t last long though, and soon she was kicking off once more. Thankfully no one was actually depending on her to give a rapid response, as the only rapid response she can manage is to throw a hissy fit.

Onto abseiling. With abseiling, its the thought of it which is much scarier than the actual deed. Standing at the top of what feels like a mile high precipice, it is frightening, but, as Nikki found after several screamingly terrifying tantrums, once you’re making your way down the cliff face it’s great fun. ‘I might consider this as my career’ she decided. The rescue team looked like they might have a tantrum of their own at the thought.

Nikki’s love affair with the Great Outdoors was not to last into her second day in the countryside. To be fair, the ‘survival instructor’ came across like a complete numpty, and I’d have probably shoved the dead and rotting mouse up his behind if he’d tried that with me. Nikki finally managed to start a fire, and bouyed up with great enthusiasm for the whole event (ok, I’m lying) dug a couple of spadefuls of earth out of her latrine. ‘Whats a latrine?’ she enquired. On being told, she declared ‘I’d rather die…’ ‘That sounds good’ responded Chris the Survivalist.

This led to a discussion on the finer arts of bumwiping. Nikki seemed a tad bewildered by the thought of using a dockleaf. I guess she had thoughts of dockleaves when she turned down the lovingly brewed cup of ‘mint’ tea.

Finally, we had a Nikki Lesson on how to Catch a Fish. Stand with a stick in your hand, gazing for inspiration at the sky. Think about the fish miraculously leaping onto the pointy end all by itself. ‘I’m so braindead’ she moaned.

Quite.

This article was written by Lynne Goulden, one of our contributors at Unreality TV. Check out Lynne’s own X Factor journal here.