First act is Christine Wilks, describing herself as a tripple threat: singing, dancing and playing an instrument. Clearly not prepared for Simon’s onslaught of questions, she reverts to cliches and claims she wants to take over the world. Oh lordy, she was more entertaining when she was aspiring to take over the world. Piers tells her “I haven’t seen moonwalking that slow since Neil Armstrong.”
Come on BGT, I need to see a good act tonight.
Second act is Sinead Carroll who’s come to play guitar and pogo at the same time. She achieves three buzzers in record time. Simon calls it “just stupid”. It was.
James Aitchenson describes himself as a singing bodybuilder. Strangest gimmick ever. As Piers pointed out, he wasn’t good at either the singing or the weightlifting. Next up is Tia Brodie the mostly naked fire-eater. Amanda is impressed with how she singes the hair off her legs. Can I just say, from the pics I saw of her earlier today, she’s got a fine set of jubblies.
Now for something completely disgusting. The Regurgitator. Stevie Starr, who swallows large objects and lets us listen to them rattling around in his stomach. Betcha he’s a real hit with the ladies. Hell, he can even regurgitate on demand. Now that’s a talent! Still, you have to wonder how many times he’s been hospitalised practising that act…
Piers called it “pretty compelling to watch”. Cowell earns a fantastic story from him – when he was a child in a children’s home, he used to swallow his money to protect it. Must be Scottish.
Animal acts stink
You’re going to love this next act – a guitar-playing dog. Simon says “I like old, nobody-likes-me kind of dogs.” Melissa Serpico is the handler and Laika is the dog clad in pink. Laika doesn’t get much strumming action in, until Simon insists on seeing it play. Sadly, the dog simply cannot be arsed. Oh Melissa, what were you thinking? Simon: “I’m sorry, but you sold us a dud here.” Three no’s, and Simon resists the urge to utterly destroy Melissa. You can see the strain on his face.
Li Dore and Star the pig are a complete disaster. Some cliches are cliches because they’re true – never work with children or animals. Neil Riseborough ‘entertains’ the audience with snail racing. Cowell declares it a “complete and utter waste of time”. Ant snail tries to hump Dec snail. Louise Sinclair tries to do horse-based gymnastics, but the horse leaves a little present on the stage.
Classical toffs freak us out…
The Arrangement are a group of classical musicians from Oxford. They promise big things if they can stay on long stage long enough. Oh. They’re doing a classical version of Black Eyed Peas. Tom the vocalist has the freakiest singing ‘face’ I’ve ever seen. He’s a horrible singer. Horrible. But the arrangement works, the backing music is fantastic. If only they had a better frontman. Amanda gushes “it was just genius”, Piers calls it “a brilliant idea, brilliantly executed”. The voice of reason, Mr Cowell: “It was like you were performing at the school ball and somebody spiked your drinks”. They get through. But you need practice, guys!
Piers and Amanda briefly discuss what side of the bed they like to sleep on. Get a room, guys. Though sensible to have these types of discussion before hopping in the sack.
Max Oliver turns his predeliction for wearing women’s clothing into a possible career move by doing a Lady Gaga act. It’s a performance that wouldn’t be out of place on a sketch show, but no-nonsense Simon buzzes him almost straight away. “If we’ve already got Lady Gaga, why do we need you?” Piers and Amanda side with the audience, who lapped it up, but you know there’s no future in this act. Piers and Amanda need to stop acting like Louis Walsh, putting through crap acts to annoy Simon. How’s Max going to entertain us beyond one bad Lady Gaga impersonation?
A magic moment…
Gymnastic troupe Spellbound put on an amazing show. I’m talking about some gymnastic feats I’ve never seen the like of before – shows of bodily strength and dexterity that mean for once a BGT act lives up to its name. They actually use a girl’s body as a skipping rope! Amazing. Crowd is going nuts! Spellbound, you saved this show!
Amanda Holden describes it as “faultless”, Piers talks about “this thrilling conclusion that had this whole theatre going crazy”. Three yeses from the judges. And Take That’s Rule The World to lift our spirits even further.
Christopher Stone comes along at the insistence of his parents. He’s the ‘singing accountant’ you might have heard about, and possibly the Susan Boyle/Paul Potts moment Cowell was referring to earlier in the week. He’s got an amazing voice. But he’s conspicuously dressed-down, a bit geeky looking. Do we have to have this kind of ploy every series? Average Joe turns out to be an amazing singer.
I do think Briatin’s Got Talent repeats itself a little bit here. We had the opera-singing mobile phone salesman here. We had the singing Scottish spinster with mental health problems. Now we have the singing accountant. Will it be an estate agent next year? Who will be the “totally average member of the public who can sing like an angel”?
Still, big improvement on last week’s rather dull show. Picks of the night? Spellbound – just an amazing act with the ability to keep their act fresh. The Arrangement are a rough diamond, but there’s something clever in what they’re doing. A bit G4 (remember them?), but offbeat and captivating if they could sort out Singer Tom. Tia Brodie sneaked through, but I’m not sure her act can be that different each time. And she hasn’t got a hope in hell of getting in front of Her Maj with those nipple covers. Maybe she could consider tassels?