Brave Britain’s Got Talent judge Amanda Holden has spoken out about the devastating loss of her baby son in her new autobiography No Holding Back, which goes on sale on October 24…
And in a heartbreaking entry in the book, Amanda reveals, “His little face and body were perfect. He was nearly 3lb in weight (which is totally viable, and bigger than most premature babies) and felt like a young cat in my arms.
“I rubbed noses with him and smelled his face and his neck and I just cried and cried…
“I cried for his life, for the hope and joy and expectation that had been taken from us.”
Extracts from the book are being printed in the Daily Mail this week, and among the poignant recollections in the MailOnline today, Amanda wrote, “If everything worked out OK, then our baby would be born in February 2011.
“On February 1, I had a lie-in while my husband Chris did the school run. I woke and decided to have a bath.
“It wasn’t until about an hour later that I realised I hadn’t felt the baby kicking in a while. Because he was normally so active, it was strange, but I wasn’t initially panicked.
“I clearly remember thinking I should pop to West Middlesex Hospital for a quick ultrasound scan.
“I drove myself to hospital and didn’t worry [my husband] Chris by calling him at work. My friend and midwife Jackie met me in the car park.
“In a little private room she put the gel on my bump for the ultrasound. Looking back, I realised she’d faced the screen towards her, not to me as usual, to be cautious.
“She felt around and moved the scanner several times before very calmly saying: ‘Sometimes this happens. I’m going to fetch someone else to have a go.’
“Coincidentally, the leading obstetrician was passing and she scanned me again. Then she turned to me and said: ‘I’m terribly sorry, Amanda, but the baby’s heart is not beating. He’s gone.’
“From somewhere in the hospital, I could hear the most horrendous screams…
“I presumed it was from the labour ward until I realised I could hear my daughter’s name, ‘Lexi, Lexi, Lexi!’ being shouted out animalistically.
“It was me. It was me wailing and making the most horrific guttural noises.
“‘What can I say to Lexi? What can I say to Lexi?’ It was all I could think about. Jackie held me tight as I started to thrash about and punch the bed I was now standing by.”
Later on in the extract – which you can read in full by clicking here – Amanda movingly explained, “Chris was in shock and grieving too and he was adamant about taking things slowly.
“I knew that for the sake of my marriage, and for me to survive this tragedy, I had to have another baby…”
Amanda of course went on to give birth to her beautiful daughter Hollie, but as fate would have it, the baby’s birth turned rapidly into a life and death situation.
You can click here to read about that.
Here’s a reminder of Amanda talking about her return to BGT soon after she had little Hollie…