Day one – Meet and Greet

The celebrities gathered waiting to meet their new bosses, Janet Street Porter (Editor), Darren Lyons (Picture Editor) and Joe Mott (Copy Editor).

Two of the celebrities got off to a bad start by not arriving on time. Ingrid Tarrant turned up 15 minutes late and Lisa I’ Anson eventually rocked up 45 minutes late.

When Darren asked Lisa what she was she playing at she blames her cab for turning up late and sarcastically snapped: “Good morning to you!”

Darren later tells Joe: “We are going to have trouble with her. She is Miss Big Attitude. It’s going to be confrontation for the sake of confrontation.”

Janet called a meeting straight away and asked the celebrities what ideas they had up their sleeves.

Yvette suggested a feature based on celebrities and their cars which Janet seems to like, especially if they can get chauffeurs to dish the dirt. Picture Editor Darren winds Janet up by suggesting that their mainly female readership won’t be interested in cars – which she doesn’t take kindly to.

Lisa I’Anson did little to redeem herself for being late when by suggesting a feature on slavery to mark the 200 year anniversary of its abolition. Darren pointed out that the story would be old news by the time the magazine went to press and Janet said: “We’re a celeb mag, not the Guardian G2.”

Lisa then suggested: “We can dumb it down without patronising our readers.” This really riled Janet who replied: “We are not dumbing down, we are not patronising out readers!”

But Lisa wouldn’t budge:

“I found an ex-slave and thought it would be relevant for a real life,” she added.

Dom then suggested a slave going on a blind date with a celebrity, much to everyone’s amusement.

Lisa drew gasps when she suggested she could call up Naomi Campbell to get her on the cover. “She might talk to me – she is a friend,” she boasted.

Abi brought things down a level by pitching a feature on the antics of a friend of hers who also happens to be a male escort, prompting much laughter from her fellow celebs.

She then broke the cardinal rule of working on a magazine by insulting her editor, telling Janet: “People like you who make up most of his clients.”

A clearly taken aback Janet shouted: “I am sorry Abi I have never had to pay for a shag in my life!”

Janet called Joe and Darren into the office to assign roles for the day. They decided on the male escort story, five places to find a prince and both admitted they hated the slavery story.

They agreed that if Lisa claims to know Naomi they should throw down the gauntlet and see if she could actually get a chat with her.

Janet gave Abi the task of interviewing Meg Matthews. Lisa piped in: “If you want any help with that she is an old friend.”

Janet told Lisa: “Get on the phone to Naomi Campbell.”

Dom got the chance to realise his live long dream to be a ‘pap’ when he was given the task of doing a star spotter’s guide to London.

They all got a word of warning from Janet before setting off: “My name is on this f***ing mag so we’ve got to make it look professional!”

Out on the job

Dom began his first job as a London pap with what he thought was a clever trick – hanging out at The Toucan – a famous celebrity drinking haunt with a pint in hand and the ‘sniper rifle’, Dom’s name for his camera. He thought he had it all sussed and was half way through his second pint when P Diddy went past in a blacked out limo.

Dom chased the car but was too late.

Next up he enlisted the help of old friend Harry Enfield who poses for him outside the bar before Dom realised he had no memory card in the camera!

All was not lost and after pushing his luck with mate Harry and getting another snap once he has sorted the camera he spotted Catherine Tate who happily posed while getting into the car.

Delighted with his first day’s pickings Dom returned to Deadline HQ to show off his work – and Darren was impressed.

Used to being the one snapped and interviewed it was a real role reversal for Abi Titmuss when she attended an exclusive VIP party hosted by P Diddy.

Dressed to the nines she arrived ready to snap arrivals and get quotes from celebrities, but admitted she felt like a ‘duck out of water’.

“I don’t know what the hell I am doing” she yelled.

She even fell for the age old dirty trick of letting her camera get knocked out of her hand and broken by a rival meaning she was left with just her phone to try to get a snap of P Diddy.

Abi got a chat with P.Diddy and was delighted – but having forgotten her Dictaphone she had real trouble remembering exactly what he said.

Yvette and Blair get a frosty reception

It was a cold front for Blair and Yvette as they arrived at an exhibition in Covent Garden to photograph celebrity arrivals. Hoping they might be welcomed by other paps on the job and perhaps helped out a bit the response was quite the opposite – they were snubbed.

On his assignment to try to pap Kate Moss Dom Jolly admitted: “You’ve got to be subtle, you’ve got to lie and you’ve got to be devious and I f**king love it.”

When he got a tip off that Madonna was in a gym nearby he raced into position with Blair and made the other paps laugh by yelling to Madge: “Madonna, it’s my first day papparazi’ing, any hints?”

Lisa’s late - again

Lisa was late for a second day running and then admitted reveals she didn’t exactly love her new job “God forbid I ever turn into a hack. For me it’s on a par with being a traffic warden or car clamper.”

Darren sent her to a hotel to pap the stars but she couldn’t bear to go in and decided to go shopping in Bond Street instead.

Yvette gives Ramsay a taste of his own – and then ends up in tears

Yvette Fielding was given a camera and asked to pap the stars at the Book Awards. Poor Yvette didn’t have a clue who most of the celebs were. She did recognise Gordon Ramsay but he wasn’t playing ball which prompted some pretty ripe language from the former Blue Peter presenter who called him a wanker as he went through the door.

Ingrid got interviews with Tim Allen, Ray Liota and John Travolta at the premier of Wild Hogs – and also kissed them all! Imogen’s not done so well on the pictures front as her batteries ran out.

When he later saw her pics Darren said: “This is my worst nightmare. This is appalling – I am getting up at six in the morning to come in and look at this crap!”

He also managed to reduce Yvette to tears by slamming her pictures.

His sensitive response was: “I upset her. Big Deal. S**t happens.”

Lisa is challenged by a furious Janet

Lisa was summoned to Janet’s office where she admitted she was struggling with foraging for gossip: “It’s a fine line between doing the job and keeping my integrity,” she said

A furious Janet replied: “Lisa, you weren’t asked to come on a programme that was making the book of knowledge!”

“I feel uncomfortable about it and I have to take the consequences of that,” said Lisa.

Janet also blasted Lisa for going shopping. “You can give me all the shit you want, you went shopping!

“If she didn’t want to do it she shouldn’t do the job,” she said later.

When the three bosses got together to deliver their verdicts on the celebs’ progress, Janet said she thought Chris was too nervous. “I have found that Chris was very scared,” she said.

Joe chipped in: “I think he is work shy as well.”

Joe also blasts Abi: “It’s taken Abi 5 hours to write 250 words!”

Tune in tomorrow to find out who will be first get the sack.

Deadline: Wednesday 4th April on ITV2