I’m A Celebrity 2009 – Day 3, Liveblogged!

by Gerard McGarry

Before we start our I’m A Celebrity liveblog post, let me get this whinge out of the way. I love boobs. I’m a boob man. The bigger the better is my rule of thumb. But I generally draw the line when said boobs can be seen from space.

And I do appreciate that it’s Pricey’s (self-inflicted) handicap that her cleavage cannot be contained. But if I never lay eyes on that silicone canyon again, it’ll be too soon.

Anyway, on to tonight’s show and doddery screen legend George Hamilton is rapturous about his fellow campers. And in return, his companions are rallying around him, washing his clothes and everything. Does he do anything by himself? He’s yet again exempt from tasks on medical grounds. He’s no George Takei, is he?

Katie rummages around in a hole

Boobzilla is up for her task tonight. She moans to the camera that the public must hate her if they put her up for a task. And they say she’s stupid…

Greeting Ant and Dec with a delightful “I’m not interested”, the ever-charming ‘model and business woman’ is told about her task: She has to burrow into an underground tunnel and retrieve the usual series of starswhile being set upon by various beasties. A regular night out for this girl. If last night’s watchword was ‘closure’, tonight’s phrase is ‘I’m not as ballsy as I was 6 years ago’.

Here’s the strange thing, before they cut to the adverts, they show Price freaking out in the tunnel and being dragged out. Then, knowing how it all ends, we have to watch the whole thing. That’s grossly unfair, ITV. Any chance we could see one of the other celebrities? I’d settle for Sam Fox, even.

Love it! Ant advises her it’d be “easier if you got on your back”. I bet you he was sniggering when he said that 🙂 Shortly afterward, they flood the tunnel with water and she’s reduced to a shivering, gibbering wreck. On a “sympathy for Katie” scale of 1 to 10, I walked off and made a cup of tea. Although – in fairness – when she discovers how badly she did, she offers to go without her own dinner.

A quick epiphany

A couple of people have referred to this year’s series of I’m A Celebrity as The Katie Price Show. I can kind of see why. So far, the other celebrities aren’t doing anything of note – we may need to give them some trials instead of Price.

I can’t help wondering if the camp dynamic would have been better without Katie or if the producers realised it was going to be a dull crew and drafted her in to liven things up. Tell me what you guys think…

Camp romances

Sabrina Washington makes a brilliant faux pas when she tells Katie that she’s a private person and would never play out a relationship on TV. Whoopsie, love, don’t you know what Katie Price is famous for?

Camp Knockers

Gino(to be fair, everybody) is talking about the amount of boobage in the camp. To be honest, Kim and Katie should be excluded on the grounds of “far too much”, while Camilla is suffering the exact opposite problem. For my money, Lucy Benjamin and Sam Fox are the acceptable middle ground. Gentlemen? Care to pass comment?

The conversation moves back to flatulance and general bodily functions.  How much do you show your partner? Gino doesn’t allow his wife to fart, burp or anything in front of him. Colin and Justin agree – no watching each other on the toilet. Sabrina inexplicably tries to rationalise ramping up the farts for people she’s really intimite with. Say it with farts?

Benjamin and White do a celebrity chest

Our former EastEnder and former snooker champ find themselves somewhat lacking in the intelligence department. They have to lower a bucket with a key attached by filling it with water. It was a real genius task, and took the duo a good 45 minutes to get the key down. According to Dec though, they got the question wrong and didn’t actually win anything.

But soon enough, it’s back to the Katie Show, and Katie and Gino are talking about her breakup with Peter Andre. At the same time, Kim is being deliciously bitchy about her as she brings George Hamilton up to speed. When Hamilton asks her why the couple broke up, Kim says “Well, you’ve met Jordan, haven’t you?” Yes, readers, Kim Woodburn is definitely Team Andre.

But as Price is lined up for yet another awful task, I can’t help but notice how she’s using the show as a platform – she’s constantly repeating the same phrases each night. All this wittering on about closure and not being as ballsy as she was last time, it sounds like she’s desperately trying to get a message out there. I can’t help wondering if Katie’s just playing out the narrative of her ‘story’ through this medium. And ITV seem to be allowing it. They’re letting her repeat these little soundbytes ad nauseum and giving very little screen time to the other contestants.

I understand how newsworthy Price is, and that the producers have a desire to put bums on sofas around the country watching this. But it kind of feels like I tuned in to watch a reality show and have found myself held captive while ITV allow Katie Price to read excerpts from her forthcoming 53rd autobiography*.

* And by autobiography, I mean she makes the story up as she goes along, collects the press clippings and passes them to her ghost writer who was probably fired by Mills & Boon for writing unbelievably cliched claptrap.

Gerard McGarry is a jet-setting, world-renowned Reality TV critic. In real life, Gerard works with web and social media strategy. His personal blog is at GerardMcGarry.com or follow him on Twitter @gerrybot