First up, after his partner Colin got booted the other day, Justin Ryan falls to pieces. He has a good old weep as Colin crosses the bridge, and confides to the Bush Telegraph that he’s devastated. That Colin’s “not there to fix it for me”. Maybe they should parachute Jimmy Saville in?
Colin, from what we hear, was out on the piss in Australia, while Justin moans that “his complete life force has been taken away” – I’m fluctuating wildly between sympathy and ridicule at the moment!
To make up for the sad loss of Colin (who isn’t dead or anything, just not in the camp), the producers create a drinking game. Of the disgusting kind. And Kim Woodburn and Joe Bugner are up for the task. Kim’s very annoyed at the naughty public, luvvies. She shall have to spank our little bottoms for voting her up for this task, you rude boys and girls. Somewhere in heaven Sid James is laughing his dirty laugh.
First up, Castlemaine Four Legs – pulped cockroaches and mealworms. Looks rancid. Probably is rancid, now I think about it. Kim tries to talk her way out of it with a “you’re dying to blow my skirt up” and a leery glance at Dec. Wonder if he’ll take her up on that wee offer?
Joe necks his drink quickly, followed by Kim. The next drink is Foreskin and Tonic. Pulped crocodile foreskin. As Joe downs his drink, you see a lumpy residue sliding down the glass and into his mouth. Kim struggles to choke the word “Vile” out. Joe, however, says it had the taste of washing-up liquid.
The next drink is Bum and Coke. Pulped Kangaroo anus and water. This is stinking. Joe’s verdict? Tastes like popcorn. He’s loving this stuff! And finally(?) it’s a Croctail – a pulped crocodile tail. Bugner camps it up with a pink umbrella behind one ear. Kim’s lazy eye is going crazy. And it’s not over yet! A final one – Sampuka – a bonus round that’ll earn the camp a treat. Kim drinks hers, but pukes it right back up. But Ant & Dec, such sticklers for the rules, insist that she finishes another one. Evil shits.
I actually feel a little sick after all that. Respect for Bugner and Woodburn for chocking that lot down. D’you ever wonder what drinking all that stuff does to their metabolism? OK, I actually mean to their poo. Somebody call for Gillian McKeith!
The campers are desperately trying to matchmake between Stuart and Sabrina, or Stubrina as they’ll eventually become known. Gino’s definitely the main protagonist, although neither Stuart or Sabrina are admitting to any feelings. At the moment. Even though there does appear to be a little closeness, a little spark between them.
Complicated Eviction Procedure Explained
No-one’s getting eliminated tonight. Ant & Dec will announce the three least popular celebs at the end of the show. Then they’ll reopen the lines and let people vote for those three celebs. The person with the least votes by tomorrow gets booted out. Hard to care about them getting voted out when you know they’re contractually obliged to hang around a luxury hotel until the show ends….
Things get hairy for Kim
Kim gets in a bit of a strop about having her haircare products confiscated. That’s understandable. But what’s really mental is that she tries to claim that her hair is her trademark. “It took me two years to get it perfect, luvvie..” she moans. “People say to me, do the hair, Kimmie” So, in her pleading to Big Brother the producers, she gives them the ultimatum: I have a career outside of here. Give me my shampoo back or face my matronly admonishing.
Has she met the I’m A Celebrity producers? They’d love nothing more than a Woodburn freakout.
Sabrina and Gino’s highwire act
Sabrina and Gino get to do the celebrity chest task. In order to get to their overnight camp spot, they have to cross a high wire across a gorge. Sabrina says crossing the gorge cured her fear of heights.
When they get to their camp, they discover their task is to stop the clock from reaching half-past until sunrise. If they’re successful, a key for the chest will drop down. They’re given some beers as a cheeky challenge – what if they fall asleep? But Gino says “we gonna drink a-dem anyway” (to be said in Italian accent).
Elsewhere, the other members of the camp get some possum for dinner. They look revolting. Like big, cooked rats. And from what the celebs say, they’re not the most tender meat either. Sam Fox gives words of wisdom: “You can’t make possum taste good, can you?”
Back at the celebrity chest, Gino decides that he and Sabrina should take turns to stay awake. And it works – they get the key. Brilliant. Now, how do we get that chest across the gorge? When they get back, they discover their prize is a bunch of unlabeled tins. Ha! But the camp have the last laugh, as Gino, master chef that he is, works out the contents!
Hamilton’s Phone Book
Finally, we start to get our money’s worth out of Hamilton. He namedrops Elizabeth Taylor as an extraordinary person and confirms for us (again?) that she “is not a snorer”. He tells us that he used to pass on heavy scripts to George Peppard (aka Hannibal Smith of the A Team).Anecdotes abound about Marilyn Monroe, Burt Baccarach and Al Pacino. He even claims Puff Daddy is a friend of his.
Jutin Ryan claims his storytelling prowess is “beyond Jackanory”. Wow. High praise Justin. Not a reader, are you dude?
A clever task to tackle Kim’s shampoo demands – the celebs have to count moving insects from jars. No chance of winning this one, eh? Well, Gino and Sam get theirs right. Sabrina gets to count sheep testicles and gets hers right. Stuart gets crickets, which jump everywhere before he can count them. George gets an equally problematic jar of worms. Really clever task, except the guys give in to Kim’s demands for shampoo. Gino decides that if that’s the case, he’ll use Kim’s ample boobies as a pillow. Hope the wife’s watching, Gino!
Five years later
Stuart confides that he wants to be married with kids in five years. George laments letting his acting get in the way of his children. Justin wants to be as happy as he is today but would like to raise children with Colin. Gino’s family is his focus, echoing what George said. He confesses that he’s trying to adopt a little girl. Justin cries when Gino says he knows that little girl is out there somewhere.
OK, down to the final three – it might be…Sam Fox, Sabrina Washington and the ever-silent Jimmy White. Surprised about Sam and Sabrina – but Jimmy doesn’t seem to play a big part in camp life. I think I’d save Sam “Page Three Stunna” Fox. What about you – who’re you gonna save?