Ah jaysus is there no let-up this evening? Welcome to our live coverage of the I’m A Celebrity 2009 launch night!

Yes Anthony and Declan are BACK! The kangaroo balls are in the frying pan. My favourite gay interior designers are in a helicopter and that rancid attention-seeking freakbag is returning to the jungle. Yes, Miss Price, I’m talking about you.

OK, things kick off with the celebs meeting up on a yacht. First we see Sam Fox, then Colin and Justin. Then awful Kim from Kim and Aggie the famous scrubbers. She’s followed by Gino Unpronouncable, a TV chef I’ve never heard of. Then Lucy Benjamin (I quite fancy her, though she looks more grey than blonde tonight), then Stuart Manning off Hollyoaks and Mis Teeq singer Sabrina Washington. She’s pretty. Then 80’s snooker ace Jimmy White.

Some dancer, Camilla Dallerup, who’s defected from Strictly to the ITV. And then the biggest name of the night so far George Hamilton, who we’ve all heard of, but don’t know what he’s actually done in his career. Anyone? Here’s our full list of celebs for this year, plus bios for each one.

Ant and Dec join the celebs on the boat and gleefully tell them that camp life is going to be hell. I love Ant and Dec, they manage to laugh behind the celebrities backs and to their faces. Masterful.

Sam and Gino go swimming…

Sam Fox and Gino (I promise I’ll learn how to spell his name) are tasked with swimming to dry land. Ah well, at least we’ll get a wet dress shot of Sam Fox. Shame it’s not 20 years ago… When they reach land, they realise they’re spending the night on an island.

The remaining contestants talk about their expectations of the series before getting into a few helicopters. I like the A Team style stripe down the black helicopter. They fly past Sam and Gino stranded on their island and into the wilderness.

…while the others go skydiving

They’re met at an airfield by Bald Dave, who’s going to drop them in the jungle. Classy lady Sabrina threatens to “pee on someone on the way down”, while Lucy Benjamin talks bowel movements. Well, we’ve started out disgusting, why not continue?

Brilliant! You can literally see the terror in the celebrity faces. First celebrity, the dark-haired one out of Colin and Justin gets pitched out of the plane with a man on his back. Well, at least one part of the experience will be new to him Yes, he says at the bottom he felt like he just had “the best sex ever”.

And the rest go horseriding

(And no, that’s not another uncomplimentary reference to Katie Price) Can’t help thinking that the horseriding squad got off lightly. Well, until the water starts getting deep and the horses look like they’re swimming. If we’re lucky, they’ll take the horses to camp and Gino will have to cook them!

Stuart Manning falls off his horse, so does Jimmy White. They all end up wading up the river.

Anyway, back to the skydiving crowd, and Lucy Benjamin gets pitched out of a plane with a man on her back. Yes, I totally reused my joke from before Cue much self-congratulating among the parachute posse. Fair enough, I suppose.

An aside…

You know one problem I find? I don’t actually hate any of the celebrities enough to give them a bushtucker trial. Well, until Price appears in the jungle. Then we can have some fun!

Sam Fox fails to entertain with a rendition of her ‘hit single’ Touch Me. Gino loses credibility by pretending to know the song in the first place, then by suggesting it’s his favourite Sam Fox song!!! Idiot.

Sam and Gino are given a task to retrieve stars from the wreckage of a ship. Sam goes first and says “I think I just felt a crab”. We resist the urge to say “Bet it wasn’t the first time she’s ever said that!” Ant tells Sam that she has to smuggle something in her mouth (awesome chat-up line right there!), and she has to keep it there for 30 seconds. The purile jokes keep rolling as Sam tells them she’s “only got a little mouth”. Perhaps the most unintentionally funny TV moment I’ve seen in ages!

Now it’s time for Gino to repeat Sam’s trick. Seasoned veteran that she is, she tells him to think of his wife and kids. He manages the feat, but Ant and Dec raise the game by making Sam pick up a star from a tank of Yabbies with her mouth. Anyone else think Sam looks like a missing Mitchell sister from EastEnders? Next they make her fish around in some tanks for a star, but she runs out of time.

Gino has to put on a helmet which is filled with spiders. Sam tells the little Italian man to “think of England”. Fair play to Gino, he’s clearly got arachnophobia, but he toughs out the 90 seconds, but he looks traumatised. Sam, despite all the bad press she’s had over the years, is actually very encouraging and sweet to him.

Geriatric corner

Now, we switch over to Kim and George. Kim warns George to keep his hands to himself. Yes, I can see how he’ll be struggling with his sexual urges around Kim. They have a terribly dull discussion about how to start a fire, until the rest of the contestants arrive. Colin and Justin have a heartwarming reunion.

Kim Woodburn looks like she might be quite a forceful personality and an enormous pain in the ass. There’s always a matriarch in the camp each year, and Kim’s clearly playing that role. She scares us a little bit though.

Finally though, everybody is together. Not to be the curmudgeonly old git, but it felt like the contestants were made to do a ton of different things (skydiving, beach tasks, horseriding, etc) and then bussed to the camp. Not terribly convinced by that part.

Caravans and bedding

George and Kim end up sharing the caravan that’s been put in the camp. Surprised though, did nobody suggest that it might have been a stipulation of Hamilton’s to have a seperate space to sleep in. I’m not sure I approve of the caravan though, because it seems like a bit of a cop-out. Gino promises to save George if he hears Kim jumping on him. In fairness, if that happens, the caravan is likely to shake down and slide into camp.

Kim lectures Colin and Justin about how her whole career is built upon shovelling shit. Otherwise though, the camp seems to be a place of harmony and contentment. Ant & Dec are hinting like cray about someone else entering the camp. We’re praying to a whole host of gods that Katie Price won’t be the person going in. Peh, why fight it?

Anyhoo, Ant & Dec go into the camp to address the celebs. This is the first bushtucker trial. It ends up being between Kim and Justin, but Kim wins it. I knew it wasn’t just me she annoyed! And oh bollocks, Price really is going into the jungle. Damnit! I can’t say how much I hate hate hate that she’s going back in. Didn’t we vote her out a few years ago?

Well folks, first impressions?