Here we go with another night of Let’s Dance for Sport Relief, a show which claims to give us our best comedians and sport personalities in ‘hilarious’ dance routines. However, if last night’s Eurovision debacle is anything to go by, the Beeb’s ability to run a decent light entertainment programme is looking decidedly shaky right now.

Anyway, tonight’s the final. Steve Jones and Claudia Winkleman are on stage, and what a sexy pair of presenters they make. We get confirmation that Cheryl Fergison won’t be performing due to that pulled hamstring. As a consolation prize, we get a hastily thrown together group effort from the finalists, which is an utter catastrophe.

Winkleman and Jones introduce the irrelevant judging panel for the evening – Robert Webb, John Culshaw, and comedian Jack Dee.

Kate and Richard

GMTV’s Kate Garraway and Richard Arnold reprise their hand jive routine from Grease. I only really like this routine because I kind of fancy Kate in that white dress. Lisa can’t stand her. It’s a fun routine, and Richard looks very manly with those sideburns.

Katy Brand

I’m still reeling. There was a moment when I saw Katy in costume and felt a vague thrill in my loins. Thankfully, Katy does a little sketch, reminding us that she’s not really very funny. Her performance of Single Ladies is priceless though, it’s funny, but the big girl can actually move. And those thighs… *ahem* she might be the only one to present a serious challenge to Rufus Hound.

Grumpy Old Women

I must’ve missed this first time round. Damned shame. Dancing to Gaga’s Poker Face, it’s like looking at four reaminated corpses dressed head to toe in PVC. Not that I have anything against PVC, I’m wearing some right now. Perversely, I find myself trying to work out which granny is the tastiest, and it’s probably the one in blue.

It might be worth mentioning at this point that I can’t work out for the life of me whether John Culshaw is doing accents tonight or speaking in his normal voice. Has anyone ever heard Culshaw speak normally? Jack Dee gets in a memorable line when he claims that they “made hip replacements sexy again”.

Debra Stevenson

Oh lords, they run that VT where Debra visits be-curtained 90′s throwback TV doctor Christian and he pulls faces while she mugs about in different wigs. Debs reprises her Smooth Criminal routine, which is good, but in a year where we’ve seen 400% too much Michael Jackson, it’s been done before and done better.

Cheryl Fergison

What? Yep, because Cheryl’s injured, they’re simply going to play the video of her performance from last week. Genius, eh? They could’ve done this with all the other acts this week. She’s actually pretty fly for a big girl. Cheryl comes out at the end for the judging. Dee quips “you’re a real trooper. Now you walk like one.”

Rufus Hound

Tonight’s winner (is there really any question?) Rufus Hound is the last act. It would have been far better if they’re let Rufus go head to head with Robert Webb from last year in a Nevins versus Run DMC style dance-off. An amazing routine, this guy is the clear winner this evening. Like Cheryl Cole with facial hair. A true professional. When Webb claims he’s more compelling and watchable than Cheryl Cole, Claudia Winkleman doubles up with laughter.

Beginning half an hour of filler until the results, we get N-Dubz Playing With Fire and Tulisa sporting deep brown locks tonight. I love the way she sings “Uh-oh” in all their songs. It’s a real skill that needs to be recognized.