I think we’ll all remember Big Brother’s final moments when it completed its 10 year run on Channel 4 last year. After all, it brought a lot of good to the world, and society, and God and Jesus and all of that. I think this was signified solely in Davina McCall’s despairing, teary eyes and Brian Dowling’s extra 10% of face. The image was positively apocalyptic. A bit like when The Mint ended on ITV. Actually a lot like that, but with slightly more of Brian Dowling’s face. It was also a bit like that time when Brian’s Boyfriends ended on ITV2, but with slightly more of Brian Dowling’s face.
And like my dad once said to me post-job interview at a milkshake shop “Now, remember. It’s not the failure that matters; it’s how you react to failure that counts.” Which as you can imagine, was more than comforting.

So what exactly is the correct way to react to the end of anything? DEMAND FOR IT’S IMMINENT RETURN OF COURSE. This theory works on pretty much everything. The Spice Girls, dead goldfish, even WARS. Except those two really bad ones. People could take or leave those. Mostly though, this is true of our more beloved films and TV, sometimes it is hard to say goodbye. But when you can genuinely walk into a cinema theatre and voluntarily ask to watch ‘One ticket for Too Fast Too Furious FIVE’ you must wonder when to draw the line. Over the already drawn line. Over the metaphor of the line. With lighter fluid.

But despite years and years of Bottle masturbation, racism, genuinely diagnosed mental illness, someone aspiring to be ‘a bit indie’, ‘FIGHT NIGHT’ (A use of rhyme that is so fun that it hardly matters that someone got smashed on the head with a plate in the scope of things, does it?) and a woman ACTUALLY CALLED SUNSHINE – Channel 5 still thinks there is so much more to come. Five years more, to be precise. The first rumours to surface about what the reboot will entail are that Amy Childs will be making an appearance on Celebrity Big Brother (Plausible), aswell as Charlie Sheen, (so plausible he probably signed Endemol’s contract for the reboot himself) and that Cheryl Cole will be HOSTING. (Plausi-bullshit.)

Considering I can’t actually name ONE show that is currently airing on Channel 5 at the moment – (Aside from the glory days of Fort Boyard, a show where Leslie Grantham was genuinely, contractually obliged to ‘be evil in a castle.’)perhaps they do have enough money to be this stupid. Especially to air the programme in September instead of the summer, like in the good old days. (And by ‘good’, I don’t mean good.) This, on top of all the other glaringly obvious problems – is in itself a glaringly obvious problem; seeing as a little show called THE X FACTOR will be being broadcast on the other side at the same time. So not so much the ultimate battle of reality shows Channel 5 were hoping for. Still, if this all fails dramatically and it ends up being an incredible waste of time, money, and vital organs – at LEAST, DESPITE. IT. ALL – they STILL have Natasha Kaplinksy. Right?

THIS ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN BY OUR NEW GUEST BLOGGER SOPHIE HALL.

Sophie Hall is a 21 year old freeloading student from Manchester who gets angry. When eating hula hoops doesn’t facilitate this anger – she writes words down, so that we can all be mildly exasperated at the universe together. You can catch her on Twitter and share the Unreality love!

View the original post A Constructive look on why a Big Brother reboot is a little bit silly. on Unreality TV

Broadcast magazine have reported today that talks between Channel Five executives and Endelmol UK have progressed so far that a deal for airing Big Brother is just “weeks away.”

Big Brother has of course traditionally been aired on Channel 4, but 2010 saw the end of the show on that channel.

Since then, it’s understood that Richard Desmond, the owner of Five, has been negotiating a deal to reprise the show on Channel Five.

However, talks reportedly broke down in September after Desmond apparently refused to match the £70 million Channel 4 paid for a 3-year contract with Endemol back in 2006.

But Broadcast now reports that negotiations have reopened and the new deal could be for five years.

Desmond is also rumoured to be interested in re-launching Celebrity Big Brother as well as extending the main Big Brother show to run for longer than the usual 13 weeks.

Will you watch Big Brother again if Five do secure a deal to air it this year?

View the original post Channel Five “weeks away” from closing Big Brother deal! on Unreality TV

Ex-EastEnders star Tamzin Outhwaite has stated that she thinks the X Factor is “too much about the judges.”

Tamzin, who’s a judge on Channel Five’s star search show, Don’t Stop Believin’ told The Sun, “I love The X Factor, but I don’t want our show to be all about us four.

“It has to be about the talent. This is a very different programme.”

The new show, which begins on Sunday at 7pm, will also feature Blue singer Duncan James, pop star Anastacia and choreographer Chucky Klapow on the judging panel.

The show will search for “Britain’s top music group.”

View the original post Tamzin Outhwaite “blasts” X Factor on Unreality TV

She told the paper,: “The main thing that I worry about is falling over, or tripping over the dress.

“I’m such a klutz – and I always wear very high heels.

“If something goes wrong, I want to be comfortable enough that I can go with it and laugh it off. It’s always good to have nerves, it gives you adrenaline…

“I’m going to have a ball. It’s going to be like a night out for me – I’ll have my gladrags on and watch some great performances. It’ll be fantastic.”

Don’t Stop Believin’ will hunt for Britain’s best song and dance group, and each week, viewers will vote for their favourite acts.

Emma will be joined on the show by a judging panel comprising ex-EastEnders actress Tamzin Outhwaite, Blue star Duncan James, singer Anastacia and Emmy-winning choreographer Charles “Chucky” Klapow.

View the original post Emma Bunton worries about falling during Don’t Stop Believin’ on Unreality TV

It seems that channel Five are set to cash in on Glee mania – while adding a dash of X Factor – for a new show that’s to be entitled, Don’t Stop Believing.

Handily for the show’s makers, Don’t Stop Believing – originally by Journey – was a hit for both E4’s Glee and Joe McElderry on X Factor.

The show will feature groups who will perform for the show’s judges and the TV audience of course, and will be voted off by viewers until one group wins.

Press reports state that Strictly Come Dancing presenter Tess Daly is tipped as being a serious contender to host the show, but the Press Association states that Corrie actress Kym Marsh and ex-EastEnders star Martin McCutcheon are also “in the running.”

Five’s controller Richard Woolfe is quoted by the PA as saying, “There’s an explosion in musical performance groups and Don’t Stop Believing will tap into that.”

And furthermore, the best performers will be invited to combine to create a “super-group” who will go on to represent the UK on the international Glee Club circuit in America.

So if you think you’ve got what it takes, you can apply to be on the show at www.five.tv/dontstop

Good luck!

View the original post “Glee meets The X Factor” in new Five show on Unreality TV

This week Paul arrives in Shanghai, China’s most dynamic and moneyed city. He has dinner with powerful socialites and visits a park where hundreds of parents gather to find a match for their sons or daughters. Being a wealthy westerner, it’s not long before Paul attracts quite a lot of interest.

Monday 11th June, Channel Five

View the original post Paul Merton In China: Paul Goes To Shanghai on Unreality TV

This week Paul travels through rural China to the famed Shaolin Temple, where he endures the physical demands of Kung Fu training. He then moves onto the Tibetan Monastery of Labrang, and finds some spiritual peace in the sight and sounds of Buddhist monks. He switches pace when he visits Chongqing, the largest municipality in the world.

Monday 28th May Channel Five

View the original post Paul Merton In China: Paul Goes Rural on Unreality TV

In the taxi from Beijing airport, Paul explains his long-standing desire to visit the world’s next superpower: “With the Olympic Games coming up, this is a really good, exciting time to come,” he says. A challenge soon presents itself, however, when Paul realises that his driver has no idea as to the location of his hotel. “I have a sneaking suspicion my driver only arrived in Beijing ten minutes before I did,” he says.

After eventually finding his hotel, Paul kicks off his trip with a visit to a night market – where he is confronted with an array of unidentifiable food. Later, in a speciality restaurant, he is called upon to sample a particular part of a male donkey that he would rather leave alone.

Having survived a few days by himself, Paul meets his translator Emma in Tiananmen Square, before encountering a group of hip-hop singers who rap about food. “In China we cannot do aggressive, radical lyrics,” one of them explains. Afterwards, Paul visits a farmer who makes robots out of scrap. Mr Wu’s creations vary in size from tiny dog robots to a man-sized android that can pull a rickshaw. “I feel privileged to have met Mr Wu, one of life’s true eccentrics,” says Paul.

Back in the city centre, Paul reflects on Beijing’s massive redevelopment. Most of these new skyscrapers, he explains, will stand empty because they are unaffordable for the average person. “Effectively, they’re being built solely to ensure Beijing looks shiny and modern when the world’s cameras arrive in 2008,” he says.

By way of a contrast, Paul then visits one of the remaining ‘Hutong’ districts – a labyrinth of tiny streets, courtyards and dilapidated houses – where he meets Mike Myer, an American teacher and the area’s only western resident. Mike says that the culture and social networks of the area will be lost if the district is demolished. Paul is grateful to visit a part of Beijing that tourists do not usually see, and is dismayed that the “beating heart of the city” is being replaced with empty steel and glass.

Leaving the capital behind, Paul’s next stop is a “jaw-droppingly bizarre” $50 million hotel replica of a 17th-century French chateau, seemingly devoid of guests. Paul is faced with a dilemma when he meets the prominent Communist Party official behind the project: “What do you say to a man who’s just wasted $50 million?” he wonders.

From the height of conspicuous wealth, Paul travels to the opposite extreme of China, to one of the few remaining Communist communes. This “last bastion of Communism”, the Nanje commune, is still proud to display giant pictures of Marx, Lenin and Stalin. In this regimented world, locals enjoy free food, healthcare and education, but women must consent to being sterilised after their first child, and everybody must attend compulsory self-criticism classes.

To bolster its economy, the commune has resorted to ‘Red Tourism’, attracting visitors from all over China. Paul accompanies one group of tourists on their visit, but his questions soon needle: “We’re clearly annoying them!” he declares, shortly before being thrown off the tour. Having satisfied his curiosity about the commune, it is time for Paul to move on, with a trip to a Buddhist temple ahead of him.

Monday 21 May, 21.00–22.00 On Channel Five

View the original post Paul Merton In China on Unreality TV

Pete and Tracy from Bournemouth have been married for 23 years and have 13 children. Although they wouldn’t change their situation for the world, Pete admits that it is “a total financial nightmare” involving relentless forward planning. It is also hard to grab a peaceful moment, says Charles, the couple’s only son. “It does get really loud,” he says cheerfully. To keep the household running smoothly, Tracy spends at least 40 hours a week doing housework. “We’re like the manager and manageress of a hotel,” she grins.

Forty-eight-year-old Aubrey and his 25-year-old partner Kelly live in Orpington, Kent, with their six children and Aubrey’s seven other children from his previous marriage. “I never wanted a large family,” says Kelly, who claims that she fell pregnant despite the use of contraceptives. Because neither Kelly nor Aubrey work, their 15-member family lives on benefits. The council initially placed them in a three-bedroom house but, after five years, paid their next-door neighbours to move away so the two houses could be knocked into one seven-bedroom home. But with Kelly dishing up more than 100 dinners every week, it is still quite a feat managing this household, and the couple are not taking any chances: they sleep in separate beds, and Kelly is hoping to be sterilised soon.

By contrast, the Wilsons from Lincoln are keen to add to their 13 children. “I can’t imagine not having little ones running around,” says mum Shirley, whose family gets through around 20 pints of milk a day and 500 bags of crisps a week. “Getting up and knowing that you’re needed… that’s my life.” Shirley recalls how it took four years of trying before she fell pregnant with her first child. A combination of an operation and hormone treatment did the trick back then. Now 44, will she be able to conceive the 14th child she so desperately desires?

Greg and Aggie from South-East London, who have ten children, believe that the calm atmosphere in their household is due in no small part to the family’s strong Catholic faith. “Religion is the most important part of our lives,” says Greg. In line with the Church’s teachings, the couple do not agree with widely used forms of contraception. Instead, they have successfully planned their family using a method that involves avoiding intercourse during the most fertile time in Aggie’s menstrual cycle.

Forty-five-year-old mother of ten Dawna from Derby no longer has a partner to help her with the rigours of family life. Since her husband Gary died of cancer a year ago, she has had to continue running her home while dealing with a great deal of emotional trauma. “It’s hard when you’ve got ten constant reminders,” she says tearfully of her much-loved children. Serious financial hardship only adds to the pressure: without Gary’s salary there is a very real danger of the family home being repossessed. But despite her difficult circumstances, there is one thing that brings a smile to Dawna’s face: the prospect that she might have more children – “at least another ten!” – with a future partner. “I love children, and the more I have the more I love it.” But with so much recent heartache and her biological clock ticking, can Dawna find new happiness in time?

Monday 19 March 9pm on five

View the original post Ten Kids And Counting on Unreality TV

Young Kyle’s condition, CD40 ligand deficiency, is found in only one in a million male births. It makes him highly susceptible to infection, and his lungs and liver have already been damaged. But Great Ormond Street now offers the hope of a cure, in the form of a bone-marrow transplant. A matching volunteer donor has been found and hopes are high, but there is no getting away from the fact that this will be a risky procedure. “We’ve given him a 50% chance of success, which is not good,” admits consultant Paul Veys.

Before the transplant, Kyle must undergo chemotherapy to prepare his body. A new therapy using two relatively gentle drugs will mean chemo can be kept to a minimum, but Kyle’s immune defences will be weakened to prevent the rejection of the new cells. This means he will be extravulnerable to potentially life-threatening infections. “Even though you know it needs to be done, you can’t say you’re ever ready for it,” says distraught mum Gloria as she sees Kyle in pain and throwing up.

After 24 hours, Kyle is moved to a specialist isolation ward where he and his mother will live for a month, keeping a video diary to chart their feelings and experiences. Gloria says that she and her husband are always very honest with Kyle about what his treatment will entail. “We couldn’t put him through all this without him knowing what was involved,” she insists.

Finally, it’s the big day when the bone marrow is introduced into Kyle’s blood via a drip. “It’s a very big fight for me,” Kyle realises. He is right, since this stage of the treatment brings new risks: the donor cells could fight Kyle’s own cells and attack his weak liver and lungs It will be two weeks before tests reveal whether the new cells have taken. Meanwhile, there is the constant risk of infections, so Kyle is confined to the isolation ward.

Despite the family’s optimism, the results of the lab tests are disappointing. “We are not seeing any donor cells at the moment,” admits Paul Veys. It’s left to a tearful Gloria to tell Kyle that they are back to square one. She is wary of giving the gruelling procedure another go, so all that remains at the moment is for her and her husband to help their spirited son live life to the full.

Tonight’s programme also follows 17-year-old Leanne, who suffers from pulmonary hypertension. This rare condition affects her lungs and puts pressure on her heart. Left untreated, it would probably have killed her within three years. Now, she is fighting a daily battle to stay alive.

Up until the age of 13, Leanne was the picture of health. “I was such an active, super-fit person,” she says. “To wake up one morning not being able to breathe or climb the stairs… Wow, it was a shock.”

There is no cure for Leanne’s condition, although a range of treatments help her manage it. She may need a lung transplant in the future, but this is a high-risk operation. For now, she follows a strict regime of tablets. In addition, the medication needed to open up the blood vessels in her lungs must be administered to her system directly throughout the day. A small pump pushes the medication through a tube that enters Leanne’s body via a needle stuck into her stomach tissue. Every ten days, Leanne must reposition the needle to keep the drug diffused throughout her body – a painful procedure.

But administering drugs this way seems to be getting less effective for Leanne, and her health is declining. Luckily, another visit to Great Ormond Street throws up a whole new procedure that promises to improve the quality of Leanne’s life…

Channel Five, Wednesday 7th March, 8PM

View the original post Child In A Million: Stories Of Kyle And Leanne on Unreality TV