Dom Joly has taken a swing at the ITV reality show, Deadline in which he and a crew of other ‘celebs’ had to run a magazine. On The Independent website, he claims that the show was completely fake and about as detatched from reality as it could possibly be.

He acknowledges that reality TV is staged to some extent (something I think most of us accept), but that Deadline took the biscuit:

The “editorial team” of judges had clearly been told to act as though they’d just taken control of a classroom of window lickers and boy, did they love it. It was big-swinging-dick time from day one. The fact that no one with an ounce of grey matter nor a shred of dignity would remain in any “real” magazine that functioned in this sub-soap-opera manner didn’t deter our troika of “experts”. For instance, it was somewhat odd to be scolded for the quality of a one-line caption for a photograph of troubled glamour-bint Jasmine Lennard, on the same day that I had a five-page spread in The Independent.

For me though, his recounting of a conversation with a location director is particularly interesting:

“Reality TV is basically seduce and betray,” he said as I bought him another double brandy. “We give you celebs limos and fancy hotels, stylists, food and alcohol and then we stitch you up to look like morons for telly.”

Joly’s account of working on Deadline is an excellent insight into the world of reality telly from the perspective of a contestant. Definitely worth a look.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“All of the captions are crap because the blokes don’t understand how to sign off on something. Thank God they’re not working in f**king casualty ‘cos if you went in with a foot that was bleeding you’d bleed to death before they’d finally notice.” – Janet Street-Porter

Dom hooks Melanie Slade

Dom scored a big fashion shoot with England star Theo Woolcott’s girlfriend Melanie Slade but before he got a chance to organise his shoot Darryn started to take over.

In the accompanying interview Melanie admitted she had over a hundred bags and about 30 pairs of shoes.

Dom advised her: “I really would see a doctor about the handbags.”

Mel also declared that her love for Theo was “real love” and that some day she would like to get married and have kids.

Charitygate

Yvette said that if she won Deadline she would give the £50,000 prize to charity.

Dom said: “I’ll be giving all mine to charity” but when asked which charity he admitted: “home”.

Yvette said: “I am going to split it between three different charities.”

Darryn asked: “Which, save our spooks?”

A bemused Dom yelled: “You are going to split it between three charities? Oh my God. If we are going to start going down the charity line that’s it. I am telling you right now I will never give it to charity.”

When asked why, he blurted: “Because I want the f**king money. I have been through this s**t for six weeks. If some f**king dolphin comes in and does this show it can have the f**king money. Until then I am having it. Yvette, we got on really well last night and you just ruined it. I can’t believe you have played the charity card so blatantly. I think it’s a devious ploy because it’s in the classic reality show script.”

Yvette: “I resent the fact that you are saying that’s devious. What the hell is wrong in giving some away to charity? I am a firm believer in that.”

Dom: “I am a firm believer in if you are going to do that, keep it to yourself.”

Yvette: “You just asked me.”

Dom: “No, you just announced you were going to give it to charity.”

Yvette: “You obviously don’t give enough.”

Dom: “Well if I do, I certainly won’t be shouting about it so you wouldn’t know.”

Former Blue Peter presenter Yvette yelled back: “F**k off Dom. I haven’t been shouting about it. You’re getting on my tits now.”

Yvette went out to calm down and said: “He hasn’t a clue about the things that have gone on in my life or the people I want to help – who the hell does he think he is? He has really pissed me off. Stupid man.”

Later Dom said: “I am sure I’ll look an utter b******d but I stand by what I say. It’s a real showbiz no no to talk about charity. To tell people you are giving money to charity is an awful thing.”

Janet’s on the warpath

When Janet saw the pictures of Melanie directed by Darryn she yelled: “Why is she doing that horrible Lolita pose? I wanted her to look normal.

“We’re not doing a lads’ magazine. I don’t want her to look like f**king Lolita, I want her to look like a normal schoolgirl.

“That’s disgusting, absolutely f**king disgusting. Just delete it. I don’t want them. We want Melanie to look like she is happy wearing the clothes – not like she is trying to be the wet dream of some middle aged man.

“I don’t know why Darryn had to interfere. By going along he takes the authority away from the person taking the photographs.”

She did settle on some of the shots, just not the ones Darryn had anything to do with.

Who’s up for the chop?

It’s the last sacking before four celebrities are left with a chance to claim the £50,000 prize. After a bit of deliberation, Janet sets on Dean, Ingrid and Iwan. Viewers will find out who gets the boot on Thursday’s show.

Deadline, Weds and Thurs ITV2

Peaches Geldof has blasted Ingrid Tarrant and accused her of losing all dignity in a row outside a London club.

Ingrid was attempting to capture a photograph of Peaches as part of her new role in the ITV2 reality TV show, Deadline.

In a desperate bid to get Peaches to allow her a shot, Ingrid shouted

“I knew your mum”.

Geldof replied: “That’s really rude of you to say that. You’ve lost all of your dignity Ingrid.”

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Janet Street-Porter on the latest issue of Deadline out today: “I think it gives Closer a run for its money.”

Imogen cracks up – again

“Why am I here? I can’t take photographs, I’ve run out of contacts, they should have fired me,” said an emotional Imogen.

“What have I set up? Nothing because none of my contacts are talking to me any more because they all hate me.”

Darryn said he thought Imogen should have been sacked last week and not Abi. Joe agreed. “She doesn’t want to be here and she’s given up. She knows it and we know it.”

Darryn said later: “There’s no space in journalism for sensitive people. She should have been fired as far as I’m concerned.”

Janet called Ingrid and Imogen into her office for a pep talk. She told them both she thought they were looking fragile and that it was time to show the boys that they were as good as them.

Dom’s ego takes a pounding

Dom was gutted when he found out how much his autograph would sell for.

He started work on a feature about how autograph hunters are paid by organised businessmen who sell their autographs on eBay.

He asked a genuine autograph hunter how much his own autograph would be worth: “About 10 or 15 quid,” he was told.

A dejected looking Dom replied: “Jesus Christ!”

He was even more upset when told that movie star Jude Law’s signature would fetch five times more.

“Jude law is five times better than me!”

Victoria Beckham slammed in Ingrid’s interview

Ingrid interviewed ‘hairdresser to the stars’ Michael Rasser who had a few choice words to say about Victoria Beckham.

Yvette: “Are there any modern celebrities that make you think ‘I could have done a much better job myself’?”

“I hate to be bitchy sounding,” said Rasser, before adding: “I think Mrs Beckham has to find her roots – literally.”

When asked what he thought of her cropped hairstyle, he sniped: “I don’t know what she is doing to herself. She is trying to alter her image. I don’t know if she knows where she is going – and I can’t stand that pout.”

He also let slip that he would not like to cut ZhaZha Gabor’s hair again. “What a nightmare. She is the celebrity from hell,” he said.

Yvette bumps into Paul

Yvette spotted Paul McCartney in the street and asked the former Beatle if he would pose for a snap, which he duly did. Afterwards she admitted: “We had a little chat about Heather – nothing for the magazine as I’m not getting into trouble.”

Janet may have something to say about that.

Yvette’s turning into potty mouth

Former Blue Peter presenter Yvette Fielding admitted that hanging around with the male paparazzo is rubbing off on her.

“I am turning into a bloke saying things like nice tush and nice bum. Something happens to me when I come here with the other photographers. I turn into this leery bloke and if I have to do a scrum I am in there and the language comes out – I say things like get yer tits out and show us yer bum.”

Dom winds up Iwan

His new found fame seems to be going to Dom Jolly’s head. After winding up just about everyone at the launch of Piers Morgan’s new book, including mother and daughter Eve Pollard and Claudia Winkleman who he asked to ‘snog’, Dom’s set his sights on Iwan.

The practical joker wrote a card from ‘Darryn’ which he placed on Iwan’s desk. A chuffed Iwan ripped open the envelope and read out the card. “Iwan, second place isn’t good enough for you, pack your bags.”

Unaware it was a wind up, Iwan said: “That’s made my day that has. I’ve sent the work experience boy off to get it framed for me, that’s how much it means to me.”

When the penny dropped and he realised he’d been had, Iwan was fuming. He suspected Dom was behind the plot and began planning his revenge. Watch this space…

Janet reveals the celebs up for the chop

Editor Janet Street-Porter discussed who should clear their desk with copy editor Joe Mott and Picture Editor Darryn Lyons. In the end she decided that Ingrid, Imogen and Dom would face the sack – which will be shown tomorrow night.

Referring to Imogen and Ingrid’s recent waterworks she said: “I took the job on this magazine to be an editor not a f**king psychologist. I’ve had it with the couch and the Kleenex.”

Deadline, Weds and Thurs ITV2

Abi’s told ‘clear your desk’

Abi Titmuss burst into tears after being sensationally sacked by Janet Street-Porter.

The emotional scene will be shown in tomorrow’s episode of ITV’s TV show, Deadline at 10pm on ITV2.

Copy editor Joe Mott pointed out to Janet that Abi hadn’t written a single word for issue three of the magazine and Janet admitted: “I can’t believe I didn’t notice.”

She sacked Abi in front of everyone else at the conference table.

According to onlookers, Abi, who was up against Ingrid Tarrant and Imogen Lloyd Webber in the three way sack off, was desperate to stay.

Abi’s photography skills had been criticised relentlessly by Darryn and Joe wasn’t impressed with her writing.

Deadline, Weds and Thurs ITV2

Tears at the conference table

The waterworks came on when Imogen was asked to dress up as a schoolgirl for the filming of St Trinian’s.

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s daughter welled up when Janet suggested she would be perfect for the magazine feature.

When she saw Imogen start to break down, Janet said she would discuss it with her after conference.

Imogen admitted: “I have just had a bad experience with the whole school uniform thing. It’s not something I want to talk about. I don’t want to go there I am sorry.”

A puzzled Janet then agreed she would ask Yvette to dress up, which seemed to please Yvette when she heard the news.

Dom turns Deadline into Trigger Happy TV

Desperate to get a pic of Daniel Radcliffe, Dom Jolly dressed up as a chef to try to infiltrate the rehearsals of his play Equus. Jolly admitted that the disguise got him into the theatre but fell down when he walked up to the stage and the actors wondered what a chef was doing there!

In other developments, Iwan got upset because Darryn’s never pleased with his shots, Abi managed to annoy just about everyone by failing to take a decent photograph. She was bailed out by Yvette after spending 11 hours trying to snap Madonna and Justin Timberlake. Yvette got the shot, Abi got a cold.

There was a definite mood of doom in the Deadline office this week, with everyone seeming to struggle. Janet summed up the mood: “I am not there to wipe their arses and tell them their great if they haven’t delivered.”

Deadline, Weds and Thurs ITV2

The bosses discuss who will face the sack and Janet is sick of them acting like school kids.

After Lisa’s sacking in yesterday’s show the three celebs facing the boot was reduced to two and it became a toss up between Ingrid and Blair.

Janet said of Ingrid: “As far as I’m concerned I gave her a bollocking about the shopping and buying a handbag, but she can’t write to save her life.”

Darryn said: “She talks a good situation about all her celeb contacts but just can’t deliver.”

Blair hasn’t impressed anyone this week and again Darryn had a moan at his inability to pap celebs, despite getting an excellent spread this week.

“About 80% of the pics were of Abi Titmuss with celebs, again,” said Darryn.

But the real grievance from the editors this week concerned the celebrities’ inability to take the sackings seriously. The Deadline team were summoned to the boardroom to learn who would be sacked, but they were given a dressing down first.

“One of you is getting sacked today and you’re all laughing about it,” said Joe, before Janet finally let rip.

“Well I feel an increasing sense of frustration,” said Janet. “Darryn, Joe and I are people who have reputations as people who have made a living in journalism. Now if you lot wanna f**k about and be like St Trinian’s in the office then go ahead and we’ll sack the whole f**king lot of you.

“Believe me it’d be just as easy to bring this magazine out between the three of us and it’d be a lot less f**king hassle,” she said.

Blair gets the boot

After Chris was sacked last week for finding papping celebs difficult, the same problem worked against Blair. When asked to defend himself he had little to say.

“You’re right, I only delivered one set of pictures and I knew I could do that as it was a situation I could control. When I’m out in the street papping I really struggle with this industry,” said Blair.

Janet said: “Ok Blair, I’m sorry I’ve got to say this, you can’t hack it so clear your desk. You are out of here. Say your goodbyes to everyone and then you’re out of here.”

As he cleared his desk Blair said: “I actually backed myself this week because I felt like I hadn’t done enough.”

Janet and co were keen to show there were no hard feelings and Janet said it was a decision made more difficult after she’d had to sack Lisa.

“At least you’re going out without a strop!” she remarked.

Tune into Deadline Wednesdays and Thursdays 10pm ITV2.

Dom and Ingrid interview Alex James

Dom and Ingrid headed off to the country house of former Blur bassist Alex James. He gave them an exclusive first glimpse of his new cheese making operation and declared: “cheese is the new rock and roll.”

Jolly admitted after leaving that he didn’t bother to do an interview with James. “Blur bassist makes cheese – that’s the piece,” he said confidently.

Abi has ‘moral issues’ with papping

Abi risked the wrath of picture editor Darryn Lyons by refusing to take any ‘pap’ pictures of celebs arriving at an event in Soho. Titmuss, who has made money from being photographed, declared that she had issues with taking pap pictures of Jodie March, Pixie Geldof and her former Love Islander Calum Best. Imogen snapped away and later Abi heard she missed a great shot when Pixie was thrown out of the venue for being underage.

Later she said: “I don’t think I am going to cross my personal line of ethics. That’s maybe a conversation I will need to have with Darryn at some point.”

Later Darryn questioned Abi: “I want to know why you didn’t want to take pictures. All of a sudden you have a moral issue with it!”

Abi explained that she didn’t want to take pictures of certain people and said that Calum in particular was forever hiding from the press.

“Calum courts the press for f**k’s sake,” yelled Darryn.

Lisa gets the hairdryer treatment – and the boot

Lisa was sent to top London restaurant Cipriani to take pictures of celebrities arriving. Bored with hanging around on the street (too ‘random’), Lisa opted to pop into the Toni and Guy hairdressers over the road to get her hair done. “I figured I could kill two birds with one stone,” said a pleased Lisa.

When Joe called from the office she told him where she was – and he told Janet and Darryn.

A furious Darryn despatched Dean to the salon to pap his colleague. “You don’t fuck around with me, f**king cow,” he muttered.

When Lisa got back to the office she got it with both barrels from a furious Darryn.

“You made me look like a f**king prick. You don’t pull anything out of the bag for me and you go and get your f**king hair done and do your f**king shopping. That’s all you’re interested in – shopping and f**king hair. We’re slaving our guts out to make a f**king magazine.”

Lisa was then called in to Janet’s office where the editor told her: “Darryn said quite clearly to go and stand outside the restaurant. He didn’t say go and get your hair done. I told you last week to improve your attitude….I’ve decided to let you go.”

With a burst of expletives, Janet ordered Lisa to clear her desk and leave the office, which Lisa did, but not before sarcastically telling Darryn with a hard slap on the back: “Well done, you’re a man” and then giving half of the office a flick of the middle finger.

Tune into Deadline Wednesdays and Thursdays 10pm ITV2.

Iwan gets caught short

While staking out Kylie’s flat with Yvette Fielding, Iwan got caught short and confessed to the former Blue Peter presenter: “I am gonna wet myself.” She had the perfect solution – a plastic drinks bottle!

Iwan took the bottle into their car and filled it up while Yvette piled on the pressure by taking pictures of him in action through the car window. Iwan proudly showed Yvette the half full bottle.

Later, Iwan met Kylie…

Ingrid splashes out

Ingrid Tarrant was supposed to be out shooting pictures for a feature on where celebrities shop.

Unfortunately the allure of the shops proved too much and she ended up spending £1400 on a handbag she had seen in a shop window.

Afterwards she said: “I bought the handbag but I swear on my life I have never ever spent so much on anything other than a car and a house. Now I am feeling really guilty because I have bought the handbag but I haven’t got the maintenance and I haven’t got the settlement either and I was twitchy about whether my card would go through…but you only live once!”

Iwan can’t get Kylie out of his head

When Kylie arrived after six hours a refreshed Iwan rushed up to bag a chat and photo. Love struck Iwan told her: “You are very, very beautiful in the flesh.”

After getting a photo with the pint sized Aussie star Iwan told Yvette: “She said I was cute, I can’t believe it.” He called the office and told an underwhelmed Darryn about his encounter.

Iwan still can’t get Kylie out of his head

After his brush with Kylie, Iwan couldn’t resist going back for more. Like a hardcore Kylie fan, he headed to her flat a second time – this time with a large bunch of flowers and a ‘love note’.

He handed them to the pop star, though later admitted to being a little disappointed with her reaction this time around, claming she was probably ‘tired’.

When Yvette teased him about wanting to get together with Kylie he said: “I should be so lucky” before adding: “I’ve got a girlfriend anyway.”

Imogen bags an exclusive chat with Myleene Klass

When Imogen Lloyd Webber asked Myleene Klass for an exclusive chat at a media event, the singer obliged and told her about how her pregnancy was going.

Myleene said that although she hadn’t been suffering from morning sickness, she was sick “in a very public place.”

She went on to say that the baby was due in September and that she was expecting a boy.

“Everyone is saying that because I want anything with salt in it, then it will be a boy.”

“I am craving anything really salty and really stodgy.

“It should be due around September time but no one in my family has had a baby on time,” she added.

Tune into Deadline Wednesdays and Thursdays 10pm ITV2.

The bosses discuss who can’t hack it will face the sack

Chris Parker was in the frame because he couldn’t bear to snap the celebs without asking their permission. Plus, when he had to take pictures of Jamelia arriving at a party he forgot to use his flash and had to ask her to pose for more pics on the way out. Darryn Lyons ran out of patience and said he thought the former Eastender wasn’t tough enough for life as a pap.

Janet said of Chris: “He is still totally and utterly terrified.”

Referring to Chris’s attempt to shield his pal Fearne Cotton from the lenses of his Deadline colleagues Abi Titmuss and Imogen Lloyd Webber, Darryn added: “We had an awful performance from him last night.”

Darryn also told Janet that Chris didn’t bother to take a camera to the 18th birthday party of Peaches Geldof.

“So he went to a party that we wanted to cover and deliberately didn’t even take his camera, just went in and had a good time?” yelled an astonished Janet.

Joe added: “Well that’s his fate signed and sealed as far as I’m concerned.”

Janet said she wasn’t impressed with Lisa either: “She’s had the most horrible attitude problem. I don’t know what her problem is, I think she does it just to wind everybody up.”

Darryn chipped in: “She is incredibly unsettling in the office.”

Joe stuck up for Lisa: “I like her and if we can get her to work for us we can get good stuff out of her.”

Blair was the other celeb facing the sack. While Janet was unimpressed, Darryn stuck up for him and said he’d had back luck and was actually a “good photographer”.

Chris gets the boot

The Deadline team were summoned to the boardroom to learn who would be sacked.

“Chris, you have really perplexed me during the week,” said Janet.

Chris tried to explain himself: “I have found taking the photos hard. I feel like a bit of a stalker.”

Janet said: “Chris, because you can’t hack it, clear your desk. You are out of here. Say goodbye to everyone, don’t hang about though. We have got another magazine to make.”

“He’s a nice boy but he’s just not right for the job,” concluded Darryn later.

Deadline, Weds and Thurs ITV2