Journalist and loud mouth, Janet Street Porter is due to take over on E4’s Celebrity Hijack TV show.

She will take over from the worlds most offensive man, John McCririck, tomorrow.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Janet Street-Porter on the latest issue of Deadline out today: “I think it gives Closer a run for its money.”

Imogen cracks up – again

“Why am I here? I can’t take photographs, I’ve run out of contacts, they should have fired me,” said an emotional Imogen.

“What have I set up? Nothing because none of my contacts are talking to me any more because they all hate me.”

Darryn said he thought Imogen should have been sacked last week and not Abi. Joe agreed. “She doesn’t want to be here and she’s given up. She knows it and we know it.”

Darryn said later: “There’s no space in journalism for sensitive people. She should have been fired as far as I’m concerned.”

Janet called Ingrid and Imogen into her office for a pep talk. She told them both she thought they were looking fragile and that it was time to show the boys that they were as good as them.

Dom’s ego takes a pounding

Dom was gutted when he found out how much his autograph would sell for.

He started work on a feature about how autograph hunters are paid by organised businessmen who sell their autographs on eBay.

He asked a genuine autograph hunter how much his own autograph would be worth: “About 10 or 15 quid,” he was told.

A dejected looking Dom replied: “Jesus Christ!”

He was even more upset when told that movie star Jude Law’s signature would fetch five times more.

“Jude law is five times better than me!”

Victoria Beckham slammed in Ingrid’s interview

Ingrid interviewed ‘hairdresser to the stars’ Michael Rasser who had a few choice words to say about Victoria Beckham.

Yvette: “Are there any modern celebrities that make you think ‘I could have done a much better job myself’?”

“I hate to be bitchy sounding,” said Rasser, before adding: “I think Mrs Beckham has to find her roots – literally.”

When asked what he thought of her cropped hairstyle, he sniped: “I don’t know what she is doing to herself. She is trying to alter her image. I don’t know if she knows where she is going – and I can’t stand that pout.”

He also let slip that he would not like to cut ZhaZha Gabor’s hair again. “What a nightmare. She is the celebrity from hell,” he said.

Yvette bumps into Paul

Yvette spotted Paul McCartney in the street and asked the former Beatle if he would pose for a snap, which he duly did. Afterwards she admitted: “We had a little chat about Heather – nothing for the magazine as I’m not getting into trouble.”

Janet may have something to say about that.

Yvette’s turning into potty mouth

Former Blue Peter presenter Yvette Fielding admitted that hanging around with the male paparazzo is rubbing off on her.

“I am turning into a bloke saying things like nice tush and nice bum. Something happens to me when I come here with the other photographers. I turn into this leery bloke and if I have to do a scrum I am in there and the language comes out – I say things like get yer tits out and show us yer bum.”

Dom winds up Iwan

His new found fame seems to be going to Dom Jolly’s head. After winding up just about everyone at the launch of Piers Morgan’s new book, including mother and daughter Eve Pollard and Claudia Winkleman who he asked to ‘snog’, Dom’s set his sights on Iwan.

The practical joker wrote a card from ‘Darryn’ which he placed on Iwan’s desk. A chuffed Iwan ripped open the envelope and read out the card. “Iwan, second place isn’t good enough for you, pack your bags.”

Unaware it was a wind up, Iwan said: “That’s made my day that has. I’ve sent the work experience boy off to get it framed for me, that’s how much it means to me.”

When the penny dropped and he realised he’d been had, Iwan was fuming. He suspected Dom was behind the plot and began planning his revenge. Watch this space…

Janet reveals the celebs up for the chop

Editor Janet Street-Porter discussed who should clear their desk with copy editor Joe Mott and Picture Editor Darryn Lyons. In the end she decided that Ingrid, Imogen and Dom would face the sack – which will be shown tomorrow night.

Referring to Imogen and Ingrid’s recent waterworks she said: “I took the job on this magazine to be an editor not a f**king psychologist. I’ve had it with the couch and the Kleenex.”

Deadline, Weds and Thurs ITV2

Abi’s told ‘clear your desk’

Abi Titmuss burst into tears after being sensationally sacked by Janet Street-Porter.

The emotional scene will be shown in tomorrow’s episode of ITV’s TV show, Deadline at 10pm on ITV2.

Copy editor Joe Mott pointed out to Janet that Abi hadn’t written a single word for issue three of the magazine and Janet admitted: “I can’t believe I didn’t notice.”

She sacked Abi in front of everyone else at the conference table.

According to onlookers, Abi, who was up against Ingrid Tarrant and Imogen Lloyd Webber in the three way sack off, was desperate to stay.

Abi’s photography skills had been criticised relentlessly by Darryn and Joe wasn’t impressed with her writing.

Deadline, Weds and Thurs ITV2

Tears at the conference table

The waterworks came on when Imogen was asked to dress up as a schoolgirl for the filming of St Trinian’s.

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s daughter welled up when Janet suggested she would be perfect for the magazine feature.

When she saw Imogen start to break down, Janet said she would discuss it with her after conference.

Imogen admitted: “I have just had a bad experience with the whole school uniform thing. It’s not something I want to talk about. I don’t want to go there I am sorry.”

A puzzled Janet then agreed she would ask Yvette to dress up, which seemed to please Yvette when she heard the news.

Dom turns Deadline into Trigger Happy TV

Desperate to get a pic of Daniel Radcliffe, Dom Jolly dressed up as a chef to try to infiltrate the rehearsals of his play Equus. Jolly admitted that the disguise got him into the theatre but fell down when he walked up to the stage and the actors wondered what a chef was doing there!

In other developments, Iwan got upset because Darryn’s never pleased with his shots, Abi managed to annoy just about everyone by failing to take a decent photograph. She was bailed out by Yvette after spending 11 hours trying to snap Madonna and Justin Timberlake. Yvette got the shot, Abi got a cold.

There was a definite mood of doom in the Deadline office this week, with everyone seeming to struggle. Janet summed up the mood: “I am not there to wipe their arses and tell them their great if they haven’t delivered.”

Deadline, Weds and Thurs ITV2

The bosses discuss who will face the sack and Janet is sick of them acting like school kids.

After Lisa’s sacking in yesterday’s show the three celebs facing the boot was reduced to two and it became a toss up between Ingrid and Blair.

Janet said of Ingrid: “As far as I’m concerned I gave her a bollocking about the shopping and buying a handbag, but she can’t write to save her life.”

Darryn said: “She talks a good situation about all her celeb contacts but just can’t deliver.”

Blair hasn’t impressed anyone this week and again Darryn had a moan at his inability to pap celebs, despite getting an excellent spread this week.

“About 80% of the pics were of Abi Titmuss with celebs, again,” said Darryn.

But the real grievance from the editors this week concerned the celebrities’ inability to take the sackings seriously. The Deadline team were summoned to the boardroom to learn who would be sacked, but they were given a dressing down first.

“One of you is getting sacked today and you’re all laughing about it,” said Joe, before Janet finally let rip.

“Well I feel an increasing sense of frustration,” said Janet. “Darryn, Joe and I are people who have reputations as people who have made a living in journalism. Now if you lot wanna f**k about and be like St Trinian’s in the office then go ahead and we’ll sack the whole f**king lot of you.

“Believe me it’d be just as easy to bring this magazine out between the three of us and it’d be a lot less f**king hassle,” she said.

Blair gets the boot

After Chris was sacked last week for finding papping celebs difficult, the same problem worked against Blair. When asked to defend himself he had little to say.

“You’re right, I only delivered one set of pictures and I knew I could do that as it was a situation I could control. When I’m out in the street papping I really struggle with this industry,” said Blair.

Janet said: “Ok Blair, I’m sorry I’ve got to say this, you can’t hack it so clear your desk. You are out of here. Say your goodbyes to everyone and then you’re out of here.”

As he cleared his desk Blair said: “I actually backed myself this week because I felt like I hadn’t done enough.”

Janet and co were keen to show there were no hard feelings and Janet said it was a decision made more difficult after she’d had to sack Lisa.

“At least you’re going out without a strop!” she remarked.

Tune into Deadline Wednesdays and Thursdays 10pm ITV2.

Iwan gets caught short

While staking out Kylie’s flat with Yvette Fielding, Iwan got caught short and confessed to the former Blue Peter presenter: “I am gonna wet myself.” She had the perfect solution – a plastic drinks bottle!

Iwan took the bottle into their car and filled it up while Yvette piled on the pressure by taking pictures of him in action through the car window. Iwan proudly showed Yvette the half full bottle.

Later, Iwan met Kylie…

Ingrid splashes out

Ingrid Tarrant was supposed to be out shooting pictures for a feature on where celebrities shop.

Unfortunately the allure of the shops proved too much and she ended up spending £1400 on a handbag she had seen in a shop window.

Afterwards she said: “I bought the handbag but I swear on my life I have never ever spent so much on anything other than a car and a house. Now I am feeling really guilty because I have bought the handbag but I haven’t got the maintenance and I haven’t got the settlement either and I was twitchy about whether my card would go through…but you only live once!”

Iwan can’t get Kylie out of his head

When Kylie arrived after six hours a refreshed Iwan rushed up to bag a chat and photo. Love struck Iwan told her: “You are very, very beautiful in the flesh.”

After getting a photo with the pint sized Aussie star Iwan told Yvette: “She said I was cute, I can’t believe it.” He called the office and told an underwhelmed Darryn about his encounter.

Iwan still can’t get Kylie out of his head

After his brush with Kylie, Iwan couldn’t resist going back for more. Like a hardcore Kylie fan, he headed to her flat a second time – this time with a large bunch of flowers and a ‘love note’.

He handed them to the pop star, though later admitted to being a little disappointed with her reaction this time around, claming she was probably ‘tired’.

When Yvette teased him about wanting to get together with Kylie he said: “I should be so lucky” before adding: “I’ve got a girlfriend anyway.”

Imogen bags an exclusive chat with Myleene Klass

When Imogen Lloyd Webber asked Myleene Klass for an exclusive chat at a media event, the singer obliged and told her about how her pregnancy was going.

Myleene said that although she hadn’t been suffering from morning sickness, she was sick “in a very public place.”

She went on to say that the baby was due in September and that she was expecting a boy.

“Everyone is saying that because I want anything with salt in it, then it will be a boy.”

“I am craving anything really salty and really stodgy.

“It should be due around September time but no one in my family has had a baby on time,” she added.

Tune into Deadline Wednesdays and Thursdays 10pm ITV2.

When her editor Janet Street Porter asked Ingid Tarrant if she was preparing to sell the exclusive story of their marriage break up, Ingrid said she would stop short of a warts and all account, but would be prepared to slam Chris for the damage she claims the break up has done to their kids in an explosive account for the magazine.

“Nobody’s going to get the story because that’s terribly, terribly private but there are aspects…I mean there is almost a funny side – it’s like a tragic-comedy in a funny kind of way. There is a story about the effect it is having on the children. This is between him and me, that’s it. I’ve dealt with it, it’s over and the ‘I prefer other women to you’ thing, that’s dealt with. But it’s the ongoing thing with the children – it’s the effect that it’s had on them.

“Behind every story there is the real story. We haven’t got divorced, point one, and everybody thinks we have this settlement and I haven’t said that he is hiding £15 million and if he is I’d like to know about it.”

Watch this space…

Is Chris cut out for it?

Chris Parker can’t bear to snap the celebs without asking their permission and when he had to take pictures of Jamelia arriving at a party he forgot to use his flash and had to ask her to pose for more pics on the way out. Darryn Lyons ran out of patience and said he thought the former Eastender wasn’t tough enough for life as a pap.

Lyons added: “I don’t know whether it’s his effeminate side or what but he just seems like everything’s too hard.”

And Chris wound up Abi and Imogen later when the three of them were out papping. He hooked up with his pal Fearne Cotton and instead of helping Abi and Imogen get some great shots, he acted the star and almost tried to shield his mate from the girls before joining her out on the town.

Abi gets a dirty bum

The furious girls carried on without Chris and there were hilarious scenes later when, trying to pap Noel Fielding from The Mighty Boosh, Abi stumbled backwards over a pile of rubbish in the street, much to the amusement of her fellow photographers. The gallant Fielding picked her up off the floor and gave her a big kiss.

Lisa winds up Darryn some more

When Lisa failed to get the shots for picture boss Darryn it all kicked off. When Darryn appeared not to be listening to Lisa’s excuse for not having the shots she stormed off and said: “I’m not in the mood.”

Furious Darryn replied: “You’re never in the f**king mood.”

Lisa replied: “I can’t deal with your rudeness.”

Darryn: “Sit there and do nothing all day. That’s fine by me. Lazy f**ker.”

Minutes later, Lisa confided to the camera: “I am not interested. I have come in here and done the job to the best of my ability. The way to get the best out of your team is to be civil.”

Darryn said: “I’ve got a job to so. She hasn’t done her job. It’s absolute rubbish. I can’t get anything out of her.”

Lisa said: “He’s got issues and it’s nothing to do with me.”

Darryn: “I have issues with her, not anyone else. She has been made to look like an idiot, not me.”

*Which celebrity will get the boot? Tune in tonight (Thursday) ITV2 at 10pm to find out.

Day one – Meet and Greet

The celebrities gathered waiting to meet their new bosses, Janet Street Porter (Editor), Darren Lyons (Picture Editor) and Joe Mott (Copy Editor).

Two of the celebrities got off to a bad start by not arriving on time. Ingrid Tarrant turned up 15 minutes late and Lisa I’ Anson eventually rocked up 45 minutes late.

When Darren asked Lisa what she was she playing at she blames her cab for turning up late and sarcastically snapped: “Good morning to you!”

Darren later tells Joe: “We are going to have trouble with her. She is Miss Big Attitude. It’s going to be confrontation for the sake of confrontation.”

First conference – the good, the bad and the ugly

Janet called a meeting straight away and asked the celebrities what ideas they had up their sleeves.

Yvette suggested a feature based on celebrities and their cars which Janet seems to like, especially if they can get chauffeurs to dish the dirt. Picture Editor Darren winds Janet up by suggesting that their mainly female readership won’t be interested in cars – which she doesn’t take kindly to.

Lisa I’Anson did little to redeem herself for being late when by suggesting a feature on slavery to mark the 200 year anniversary of its abolition. Darren pointed out that the story would be old news by the time the magazine went to press and Janet said: “We’re a celeb mag, not the Guardian G2.”

Lisa then suggested: “We can dumb it down without patronising our readers.” This really riled Janet who replied: “We are not dumbing down, we are not patronising out readers!”

But Lisa wouldn’t budge:

“I found an ex-slave and thought it would be relevant for a real life,” she added.

Dom then suggested a slave going on a blind date with a celebrity, much to everyone’s amusement.

Lisa drew gasps when she suggested she could call up Naomi Campbell to get her on the cover. “She might talk to me – she is a friend,” she boasted.

Abi brought things down a level by pitching a feature on the antics of a friend of hers who also happens to be a male escort, prompting much laughter from her fellow celebs.

She then broke the cardinal rule of working on a magazine by insulting her editor, telling Janet: “People like you who make up most of his clients.”

A clearly taken aback Janet shouted: “I am sorry Abi I have never had to pay for a shag in my life!”

Janet called Joe and Darren into the office to assign roles for the day. They decided on the male escort story, five places to find a prince and both admitted they hated the slavery story.

They agreed that if Lisa claims to know Naomi they should throw down the gauntlet and see if she could actually get a chat with her.

Janet gave Abi the task of interviewing Meg Matthews. Lisa piped in: “If you want any help with that she is an old friend.”

Janet told Lisa: “Get on the phone to Naomi Campbell.”

Dom got the chance to realise his live long dream to be a ‘pap’ when he was given the task of doing a star spotter’s guide to London.

They all got a word of warning from Janet before setting off: “My name is on this f***ing mag so we’ve got to make it look professional!”

Out on the job

Dom began his first job as a London pap with what he thought was a clever trick – hanging out at The Toucan – a famous celebrity drinking haunt with a pint in hand and the ‘sniper rifle’, Dom’s name for his camera. He thought he had it all sussed and was half way through his second pint when P Diddy went past in a blacked out limo.

Dom chased the car but was too late.

Next up he enlisted the help of old friend Harry Enfield who poses for him outside the bar before Dom realised he had no memory card in the camera!

All was not lost and after pushing his luck with mate Harry and getting another snap once he has sorted the camera he spotted Catherine Tate who happily posed while getting into the car.

Delighted with his first day’s pickings Dom returned to Deadline HQ to show off his work – and Darren was impressed.

Used to being the one snapped and interviewed it was a real role reversal for Abi Titmuss when she attended an exclusive VIP party hosted by P Diddy.

Dressed to the nines she arrived ready to snap arrivals and get quotes from celebrities, but admitted she felt like a ‘duck out of water’.

“I don’t know what the hell I am doing” she yelled.

She even fell for the age old dirty trick of letting her camera get knocked out of her hand and broken by a rival meaning she was left with just her phone to try to get a snap of P Diddy.

Abi got a chat with P.Diddy and was delighted – but having forgotten her Dictaphone she had real trouble remembering exactly what he said.

Yvette and Blair get a frosty reception

It was a cold front for Blair and Yvette as they arrived at an exhibition in Covent Garden to photograph celebrity arrivals. Hoping they might be welcomed by other paps on the job and perhaps helped out a bit the response was quite the opposite – they were snubbed.

On his assignment to try to pap Kate Moss Dom Jolly admitted: “You’ve got to be subtle, you’ve got to lie and you’ve got to be devious and I f**king love it.”

When he got a tip off that Madonna was in a gym nearby he raced into position with Blair and made the other paps laugh by yelling to Madge: “Madonna, it’s my first day papparazi’ing, any hints?”

Lisa’s late – again

Lisa was late for a second day running and then admitted reveals she didn’t exactly love her new job “God forbid I ever turn into a hack. For me it’s on a par with being a traffic warden or car clamper.”

Darren sent her to a hotel to pap the stars but she couldn’t bear to go in and decided to go shopping in Bond Street instead.

Yvette gives Ramsay a taste of his own – and then ends up in tears

Yvette Fielding was given a camera and asked to pap the stars at the Book Awards. Poor Yvette didn’t have a clue who most of the celebs were. She did recognise Gordon Ramsay but he wasn’t playing ball which prompted some pretty ripe language from the former Blue Peter presenter who called him a wanker as he went through the door.

Ingrid got interviews with Tim Allen, Ray Liota and John Travolta at the premier of Wild Hogs – and also kissed them all! Imogen’s not done so well on the pictures front as her batteries ran out.

When he later saw her pics Darren said: “This is my worst nightmare. This is appalling – I am getting up at six in the morning to come in and look at this crap!”

He also managed to reduce Yvette to tears by slamming her pictures.

His sensitive response was: “I upset her. Big Deal. S**t happens.”

Lisa is challenged by a furious Janet

Lisa was summoned to Janet’s office where she admitted she was struggling with foraging for gossip: “It’s a fine line between doing the job and keeping my integrity,” she said

A furious Janet replied: “Lisa, you weren’t asked to come on a programme that was making the book of knowledge!”

“I feel uncomfortable about it and I have to take the consequences of that,” said Lisa.

Janet also blasted Lisa for going shopping. “You can give me all the shit you want, you went shopping!

“If she didn’t want to do it she shouldn’t do the job,” she said later.

When the three bosses got together to deliver their verdicts on the celebs’ progress, Janet said she thought Chris was too nervous. “I have found that Chris was very scared,” she said.

Joe chipped in: “I think he is work shy as well.”

Joe also blasts Abi: “It’s taken Abi 5 hours to write 250 words!”

Tune in tomorrow to find out who will be first get the sack.

Deadline: Wednesday 4th April on ITV2