Howdy, Unreality TV readers! We’re planning a night of X Factor fun and games to celebrate movie week!

Here on the blog, I’ll be liveblogging the whole show, giving you the low-down on what’s been happening, what the judges said, and most importantly what I think of each act!!! You’re invited to leave your insightful and very funny comments, as always.

But there’s more!

• Chat about each contestant’s performance tonight on the Unreality TV X Factor forum.
• If you fancy blogging tonight’s show yourself, sign up for a free account at Unreality Shout and join our X Factor blogging group.
• And don’t forget, send us your opinions via Twitter (@unrealitytv) we sometimes publish the best comments in our liveblog post!

We’ll be back here, live, at 8:00pm. Join me for gossip and chat right here – or go read St. Gordon’s posts over on Unreality Shout, beaming at you live from London!

Let’s get in started! Movie week, yeah!

Louis seems giddy as hell in the introductory VT. I hate it when he has something to smile about, it bodes badly! Dannii and Cheryl are feeling very maternal toward their acts as usual, but will Movie Week hit the spot? We hope so!

The judges walk out amid a hail of sparks and the ever-brilliant Star Wars theme tune. I’d love to hear somebody try to sing that one! But as always, there’s no messing about and Dannii introduces her first act…

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Gather round the googlebox tonight everybody, somebody’s going home and it might be Danyl “The Most Hated Man In Britain” Johnson. We don’t hate Danyl, by the way, and all this bad press has really gone a bit wrong for him, hasn’t it? Speaking for us at Unreality TV, we think Lightweight Lloyd has to go home tonight.

Right, let’s do the liveblog thing!

We start off with the ensemble performance of Aerosmith’s Walk This Way. Except, because this is X Factor, it’s actually the Girls Aloud/Sugababes version of the song which is nowhere near as cool as the original. Bah! Everybody seems to be on form tonight, even Devastated Danyl, and as schmaltzy as the whole thing is, it’s great fun. We love these ensemble performances, just to see the contestants performing together and having a bit of a lark.

And we get the obligatory recap of last night’s performances. Which would be a good time to remind you about our liveblog post and our chart rating the best and worst of last night. Then it’s time for…

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Welcome, welcome, welcome dear readers to our X Factor, week 3 results show live post. Sunday nights…just got bloggy! Follow us as we moan about having to watch Westlife and Michael Buble. Actually, that’s gonna be tougher to watch than John and Edward. Where’s the alcohol? We’re gonna need it.

The only lesson learned from tonight’s shitty group performance was that John and Edward do look like that other famous Irish duo, Zig and Zag – didn’t they have that crap tufty hair as well? And don’t get me started on the acne..

A couple of Irish muppets are causing mayhem on X Factor

Alphabeat’s Fascination never sounded cheesier, did it ladies and gentlemen? We can only assume that Louis was complaining to Simon that “it just wasn’t Big Band” as the contestants minced up on the stage.

After the inevitable 10 minutes of filler material from Dermot, we eventually get introduced to Westlife. Don’t expect me to say nice things, old lady Westlife fans, I can’t stand ‘em. Are the ‘life moving in a Take That direction? Just wondering ‘coz the song isn’t their usual fodder, and Shane is looking a little bit like Gaz Barlow with his haircut. Nevertheless, the only thing that would make this performance interesting is some fly on the wall footage of Brian McFadden weeping over the corpse of his ’solo’ career as Delta tries to prise the big loser off her shoulder.

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Evening everybody – it’s the third week of X Factor live shows and the abysmal swing week. Louis Walsh is back in the judges chair tonight as well. I’ll be liveblogging the entire show from the comfort of my sofa, while the fan under my laptop slowly cooks my leg, which’ll be good for a snack later. Tastes like chicken, I’m told by cannibalistic friends.

Anyhow, the Talk Talk lightshow has begun, the dramatic voiced voiceover dude is speaking. Let’s get this party started! And I don’t care what Lisa says, I’m glad to see Louis back this week!

As the O’Leary rightly points out, Swing Week can be the most difficult, especially for the younger contestants who think this kind of thing is straighforward crooning. Dannii is wearing a rather 30’s inspired number tonight, tasteful and elegant. Cheryl Cole is wearing something that looks like a wedding dress. Louis gets masive cheers upon his return to the judging panel!

Olly Murs

Without any messing around, Simon announces Olly Murs. We get to see Olly schmoozing with Michael Buble. Cheryl thinks Olly’s out of his comfort zone, while Simon thinks he’s completely safe. What gives? Let’s find out…

He’s looking dapper tonight, though the braces are a bit…well, not Olly. He’s singing the theme tune to Bewitched, flanked by two hot witchy girls. Nice work, Murs, very very smooth.

Louis: You are the dark horse in this competition. You’re getting better and better. You’re the boy next door, you can sing, you can dance and you’re very likeable. Dannii: That was one classy big band performance. Cheryl: It’s like you’re really coming into your own every week. I think you’re just gonna get better and better. Simon: Once again Olly, back in your comfort zone. Loved the dancing, I know what it’s like working with two witches. The whole point about making big band work is you’ve gotta have style, charisma and confidence.

Lloyd Daniels

Good bit of video from Cheryl saying that she won’t be making any more song choice mistakes with Lloyd. The bookies (Paddy Power) reckon he’s favourite to go this week. It won’t happen yet, he’s too good looking and there are too many teenage girls watching this show brandishing mobile phones. If the nation’s parents confiscated those phones, he’d be out in a heartbeat.

Anyway, Lloyd is singing Fly Me To The Moon and we’re wondering if it’s the song that’s dull or just Lloyd’s delivery. Unable to impress us with his vocals, Lloyd pulls off a nifty backflip which seems to make him a little more confident on stage. Still, he never moves away from that mic stand…

Louis: I’m a big supporter of yours and I know big band isn’t your thing. I think as a solo artist you’re a bit lost. Dannii: Totally disagree. I think that was good entertainment. There was a point halfway through the song where you started to feel comfortable, and I know it wasn’t your strength. Simon: I think your issue is that you’ve got to get some confidence. You were kind of looking over at Cheryl for guidance. There were tiny moments in the song where you were very good. Having said that, doing a backflip during Fly Me To The Moon is like eating a sandwich while swimming.

Miss Frank

After an abysmal showing last week, Miss Frank have a lot of making up to do. Louis admits he was disappointed with the girls last week, but hopes their song this week will put them in another league. Buble seems impressed from his masterclass.

They’re singing the old Sinatra number, That’s Life that they also sang at boot camp. I’m not impressed though. The vocals are drowned out by the music, and Graziella insists on doing a rap that doesn’t seem to have any place in the song. And don’t get me started on the styling. Hideous.Am I wrong? Tell me what you think!

Dannii: Girls!All I have to say is…back in the race! Cheryl: This is why we fell in love with you in the very beginning. Graziella, I loved the rap, girls you need to keep what makes you original. Simon: This is the first time since we started the live shows that I’ve started to believe in you as a group. I can now see some chemistry between you. (He makes a barbed point about some people not being able to take criticism – Jamie Afro perhaps?) Louis: We’ve got something special here – all we need is for people to vote for you.

Rachel Adedeji

Dannii throws Adedeji out to the wolves early tonight. Both ladies are wondering why she’s not making any headway with the general public. She’s singing a classic tune – Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Proud Mary, but in a swing style. Let’s hope this brings Rachel into the competition instead of sitting on the edges!

Mmmm, they’ve definitely softened up her appearance, she’s wearing her hair down tonight. After a subdued start to the song, Rachel bursts into a much livelier version of the song, a real belter version! You already know I love Rachel, but this is brilliant – the staging is brilliant. Could do with hearing her voice better, she’s a little low in the mix. Come on people – let’s see your votes for Rachel!!!

Louis: I can’t understand why people won’t vote for you. You’re an amazing singer and I’m glad you got your confidence back. Cheryl: You’ve got guts, you’ve got determination and you’ve got personality and most of all you can sing girl. Simon: This is not the same person I’ve been seeing for the past two weeks. You’ve been too serious, you’ve lost the silly haircut, it was a great vocal and a superb performance. Dannii: Rachel, that’s how its done!

Jamie Archer

Now, where’s the controversy? Jamie apparently refused to change his song choice last night at Simon’s suggestion and they had a stand-up row. They refer to this during the video part, and it looks like Jamie did change the song. How will he fare?

Well, Jamie skips onto the stage singing Angel Of Harlem by U2 (really good song, but not big band) He’s actually in his comfort zone, and it’s a good, confident performance. Cowell looks pleased. Jamie The Afro might actually be winning me around, but is he still a target for pub singer remarks?

Louis: Jamie, I’m a little bit confused because the theme this week is big band. I feel its cheating a little bit because you’re not using a big band song. Dannii: That was rich, that was real. I don’t think it had the magic of last week. Cheryl: It’s really tough to learn a song in 24 hours and come out and perform it. It didn’t excite me as much as last week, but well done. Simon: It wasn’t as good as last week, but we only had 24 hours.

Stacey Solomon

The Stacey Show begins with some video footage of her frantically babbling about her little boy, and even Buble is talking about her child too. Bizarre. We’re being told to watch out for emotion in the performance. She will be projecting emotions Derren Brown style to the nation.

Stacey gets all the good frocks on this show, doesn’t she? She’s wearing an extremely elegant little number. The song is When You Wish Upon A Star. It gets really good just past the middle, with Stacey giving a really powerful performance, then reverting back to a nice delicate tone for the ending. Sweet.

Louis: What a transformation! Everybody loves you Stacey! Cheryl: For me, it wasn’t the best I’ve heard you sing, but I still loved it. Simon: I agree with Cheryl, but I think you look better than you sounded tonight. I thought it was a little bit robotic, the performance. You’ve got to learn some performance skills. Dannii: I think I need to let everybody know that Stacey had her hardest week this week.

I do agree with Simon, she needs to up the ante with her performances. Also, I don’t get how she can sing so sweetly and then go back to talking in that voice. My biggest concern for Stacey is that if she doesn’t learn to talk properly, she’ll be no use as an artist. How else will she do interviews or introduce songs on stage? Sounds too much like a Catherine Tate comedy sketch for my taste.

Danyl Johnson

The hot favourite out of Simon’s group, Danyl is singing Feeling Good tonight, which should be the guarantee of a brilliant performance. Danyl professes to be a huge Michael Buble fan, which loses him 1,000 points in my esteem.

Danyl comes out on stage wearing that Rat-pack, undone bowtie look. He’s singing really well, putting in the cliched 110%. And though I’m watching him and thinking he might be my favourite contestant, something in the song is failing to gel for me. I think it’s a bit overdone.

Louis: Danyl, some people are born to sing, and you are absolutely one of them. You can sing, you own the stage and I think it was the most authentic performance of the night. Dannii: I have a lot of respect for you making that your own version. Cheryl: You looked the part, you sounded the part and that was another great performance from Danyl Johnson. Simon: We’re trying to find someone who can win this competition and go out and represent this country all around the world. I don’t think you’ve had enough credit in the competition so far. In my opinion, that was in a completely different league to anything else we’ve heard so far.

Joe McElderry

Joe is quietly impressing us each week, a great singer despite his youth. Cheryl tells us that she’s chosen a really big song for him tonight, but Buble says he doesn’t think Joe can pull off “sexy and sensual”. And Joe himself says that he’s worried about looking stupid.

Seriously viewers – just compare this kid to Lloyd – Joe has a certain charm that Lloyd is devoid of. He’s making an attempt at the choreography, which is wonderful. He seems to work well with the camera too. And of course, brilliantly sung despite a slightly weak opening.

Louis: I know you were so nervous backstage. You’re going to be in this competition to the very end! Dannii: You’re such a nice guy! You managed the snake hips very well. In all you performances, you’ve taken on mature songs and for a young guy, you come across as a man, but with the older dancers you looked like a boy tonight. Simon: I’ve gotta hand it to you, whatever’s thrown at you you just rise to the challenge, seriously. I didn’t think the performance was particularly authentic. You’ve got as much latin flair as a dolphin. The only thing with you is you’ve just gotta prove that you’re a recording artist and not a cutesy performer. Cheryl: You were sparkly, you were sexy.

Lucie Jones

Welsh singer Lucie is losing out due to lacklustre performances on stage – Cheryl said so last week. So hopefully Lucie will be a little more confident this week. She seems to realise the importance of raising her game, and judging by Dannii and Yvie’s comments, she might just pull it out of the bag tonight.

Singing My Funny Valentine, Lucie looks good in a long red dress. The song’s a more sultry number, but she’s performing it well, showing off a strong, very clear voice. Although she’s clearly a bit more confident in her performance, there’s still not much movement – a problem for her and Stacey. Beautifully done.

Louis: That was a very very amazing performance. A classic song and a great artist. It was just you and your voice. Brilliant arrangement. Cheryl: Tonight you absolutely proved me wrong. It was stunning, it was effortless, it gave me goosebumps. Simon: I thought it was a very good vocal, far far better than we’ve heard before. But you sang it like an actress so I didn’t quite get what I wanted out of it. Dannii: Can I just say that was just sensational. I want to thank Cheryl for her comments last week. You cannot fault that performance.

John and Edward

The abominations are about to hit the stage. We see their parents on the video. I was disappointed when they didn’t go “I’m Suzanne and I’m John. Together, we’re Suzanne and John!” Simon is rambling in some backroom about what’ll happen if they win the competition.

I’m not sure She Bangs counts as a Big Band song, Louis – since you’ve been throwing those accusations at Simon. Their performance is every kind of awful. Tuneless, garish and horrible, just horrible. They look like they’ve escaped from some kind of day-glo asylum. But like Simon says, what’s the point in complaining? Cheesy shites. (They actually get booed)

Dannii: That was some performance. You are the luckiest brothers…ever! I’m really torn here – the singing isn’t the standard that’s gonna follow Alexandra Burke to win the show. Cheryl: John and Edward…you are two of the nicest kids I’ve ever met. You’re fast becoming my guilty pleasure every week. Simon: Let me try and be constructive here. If you heard it on the radio, it would be one of the worst things you’d ever heard. I’ve got to give you some credit for putting on a show. But then I take it back to being a singing competition and this is appalling!

Well, there you go folks – tonight’s show is wrapped. All that remains is for you to cast your verdict in the comments box – let us know what you thought of the contestants tonight – who was your favourite and who did you hate?

Hi everybody! I’m liveblogging X Factor tonight – let’s make this post a commentfest. Please leave your opinions in the comments area!

Oh yeah! Sunday nights just got X-ey! Or something to that effect, right Dermot?

The Whitster and the Colester are both ready to sing for the audience. Robbie’s comeback effort last week was met with mostly praise, except for the odd cynical journalist who thought he was stoned off his wee face. I wonder if Whtney’s return to telly will be as smooth?

After a reminder from Dermot that the contestants’ dreams are in our hands, they burst onstage for their ensemble performance – Whitney’s Queen Of The Night. Funny how everybody performs so much better in a huge group. This is a feature that has been hijacked slightly from American Idol – although it sounds corny on Idol, and people hate it in the States. What do you guys think? Do we like it on X Factor?

We get the obligatory recap of last night’s performances. Lucky you for coming to Unreality TV, because you can catch up with our recap post and you can catch our views on the best and worst on our X Factor chart.

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Here we go folks – we’ve done the auditions round, the bootcamp round and we’ve visited the judges houses and groaned whenever Sinitta wore those palm leaves.

Tonight’s what the serious X Factor fans have been waiting for – the first live show. Will nationally reviled twins John and Edward Grimes get booted out straight away, or will they survive at the expense of another contestant?

The deep-voiced melodramatic fella is back doing voiceover. It’s time. To face. The music!

So, no messing around, we get some fighting talk from the judges. Dermot bounces onto the stage reminding us that winning the X is the “biggest prize in pop”. With that exciting revelation, the judges come on stage. What the frickin’ frick is Cheryl wearing? To call it an attention grabbing frock would be an understatement. Dannii’s sedate purple number barely compares.

Rachel Adedeji

First up is a Minogue contestant – Rachel Adedeji. We get a nice bit of VT showing Robbie Williams mentoring her. Fair play to him, Robbie looks like he’s enjoying it. So, what’s she singing? Robbie’s own Let Me Entertain You.

Starts off with sound problems – Rachel’s quite difficult to hear. Vocally she seems on the money, but it’s hard to judge. She does have the audience eating out of the palm of her hand as she struts the stage confidently. Not sure about her styling to be honest, it looked a bit meh.

Louis: It’s like Rihanna sings Robbie. Cheryl: You had the hardest job opening up the first series. Simon: (Causes us to ask if ‘misunderestimated’ is a word) That was a great performance…the choroegraphy was great, the makeup was repulsive. Dannii: What an opening to the show, thank you Rachel! Read more & comment »

To cut straight to the final 12 list click the link.

I felt a bit short-changed last night. After liveblogging the entire show, we flicked over to the Xtra Factor and discovered two things:

1. Holly Willoughby is a far more entertaining presenter than O’Leary. Not true – actually, Holly has far more freedom to be funny, and even Dermot on the Xtra Factor is a vast improvement to his ITV1 persona.
2. The auditionees all got to sing extra songs, and arguably their best performances were featured on ITV2 last night, leading me to this conclusion:

The Xtra Factor is actually better than the X Factor. Better quality singing + gorgeous host + entertaining banter = far better than X Factor.

The judges haven’t slept. They’ve been up all night working out whose dreams to shatter and whose will come true. It’s a lot of responsibility, and as my Uncle Ben says, “With great power comes great responsibility.” He’s so wise. Read more & comment »

After an exhausting boot camp round last week, we’re down to 24 desperate wannabes. Discounting the Grimes Brothers, that’s 22 desperate wannabes who should be there. Tonight we’re at the judge’s houses stage, where we get to know the contestants a little bit better, and gawp at the splendour of the houses that the judges may or may not actuallyt live in!

Join me from 8:00pm this evening to give your verdict on each act as they perform for their new mentors! And follow us on Twitter for the odd nugget and comment we may drop there too!

Louis decides to change the habits of a lifetime and brings his auditionees to Italy instead of Ireland. His contract with Bord Failte must have expired Anyway, he brings the wonderful Ronan Keating (famous in the 90’s, kiddies) to help him judge, since Westlife don’t have an album out this year.

Simon brings fashion disaster Sinitta along to his mansion in L.A. She attempts to upstage everyone there by wearing a barely there palm-tree ‘dress’. We let out a collective cry of “TWAT” in our living room. Why is she allowed to do stuff like this?

Cheryl takes her group to Morrocco while she wanders an oversized mansion in a pretty frock. The boys look glad to see her, especially the one trying to roll his tongue back into his mouth. She reveals Will Young as her co-mentor, and the boys smiles drop. Clearly they’d been hoping for a return of Kimberly Walsh from last year!

Dannii brings the girlies to Dubai and reveals her most powerful weapon – sister Kylie, who is looking far better than she did in the Leon Jackson year of the show. Everybody goes buck daft, and the two Minogue sisters look giggly and pleased with themselves. Actually the closest I’ve seen the two look on screen…ever. Read more & comment »

Virtually all hope lost, last night’s auditions show was a more successful effort than the previous four. Tonight is the sixth live audition show for X Factor, and we greet it with a familiar mixture of dread and just-get-on-with-it impatience.

First up is a slightly starey-eyed duo, pub act Tom and Paul, ahem…professionally known as Them Two. Not for the first time this series, Simon reaches for his buzzer and inwardly curses because he’s not on Britain’s Got Talent. It can only be described as ‘horrible’ and that’s the word Mr Cowell uses. Even the audience’s enthusiasm for the freaky acts is on the wane, and Them Two sort of shuffle off after their inevitable rejection.

Wide-eyed Faye Carford wanders onto the stage taking on an Amy Winehouse song. Louis Walsh has coined a new term this series – “I like you, I just don’t like your singing” – and he uses it to great effect here. Jarrod Morrison follows with a spasmodic version of Jacko’s Beat It after which he takes off his clothes, comfirming some lack of faculties as he misunderstands the audience’s chanting of “Off off off”. I wouldn’t want to be standing next to him on the Tube, let me tell you.

Former One True Voice-r Daniel Pearce returns to reality TV after spending the last seven years being referred to as a flopstar. Singing Seal’s Kiss From A Rose, he impresses everybody, getting a respectful standing ovation from former chart-rival Cheryl Cole. Louis gushes about him, Simon gushes about him, Cheryl gushes about him too. Seems like a nice guy, and we like the thought of him making a big comeback as a solo singer!

Despina Pilavakis does a decent version of a song we don’t actually recognise and gets through to the next round. She wants to be ‘everywhere’ which sounds vaguely slutty. But hey Nicole Jackson does a passable job, but I feel like I saw her on an earlier episode. Siren come along next looking like Leona Lewis’s long lost sistas. Bar manager Graziella “sails through” to the next round also at the end of a dizzying array of good acts.

Brother and sister duo Casyr (yes, a name that sounds a bit like a cough) manage to confuse the judges with their name. Some auditionees give it 110%, but it sounds like Casyr are really only investing 15% in this audition. Maybe they’re saving their energy for something more important? Resounding rejection, but they decide they’re going to come back next year to bore us all over again. Fab!

Steve Lee captivates the nation’s hearts with his out of tune version of When You Believe – recycling a hit for an X Factor flop like Leon Jackson isn’t a sound strategy anyway. Whoops. A singer called Melody comes on after and Louis aptly says to her “No, Melody” and we all go wild for that double meaning. And the girl judges trick another contestant into removing his top, but then they forget to listen to his singing.

Next up is much talked about contestant Scott James – an Aspbergers sufferer whose passion is for singing. Unfortunately, he opts for the dirge-fest of You Raise Me Up, which you kind of already guess will segue into the massive chorus of the original (does Simon’s crowd own the rights to that one?) Don’t get me wrong, he’s got a great voice, and his appearance is slightly deceptive, masking his abilities. I just hate that song. The judges are supportive and Scott is emotional on stage as he gets all four votes and the obligatory wink from Cowell.

I clocked a comment on Twitter that said “if he didn’t have autism, we’d be saying he was an average singer”. A good talking point, that. Not only for the obvious “can he be a star” question, but the Susan Boyle related “can he handle the pressure of the live shows”? I’d be interested in your comments, folks.

And old Eileen from last night comes back for a re-audition with a backing track this time. It’s every bit as bad as it was before, and the judges dispatch her quickly while Simon phones his legal team to arrange a restraining order…

Even the security guards from Harrods want to be famous, and unlike Eileen they score with the judges. Girl groups Trucolourz and Project A get through by singing Lady Gaga’s Just Dance. Daniel Fox brings the house down, and Rachel Adedeji returns after an unsuccessful audition last year. All of this batch get nothing but good vibes from the judges, and we’ll see them at boot camp.

We recognize the next auditionee from today’s papers – bubbly Aimee Buck is looking to follow in Cheryl’s footsteps. She sings Alicia Keys’s Falling. Cheryl gives her a bit of negative feedback, and Simon continues with the criticism by saying her voice isn’t good enough. Aimee breaks down, but shrewdly suggests she sings a Girls Aloud song. Conveniently, the CD for I’ll Stand By You is already in the CD player. Still, even with Cheryl helping her with the lyrics, she fluffs the lyrics (not a good sign) and Cheryl gets up on stage to give her a bit of support. Oh it warms our cockles, but doesn’t give much hope for Aimee’s singing career. Louis makes a bad joke that isn’t worth repeating, and the judges vote her through anyway.

But here’s a dire warning: forgetting lyrics doesn’t go down well in the live rounds. Can’t help thinking that Aimee’s heartwarming story has already ended badly.

Curtis Moore is the next auditionee, drawing his sob story from the poor background/difficult upbringing box. He’s distinctly average, but since we’re getting all this backstory and he’s not a freak, you can tell the judges are going to push him through. Simon tells him to “stop being such a smart arse”, but reveals that he really likes him despite his attitude. His emotional foster-family watch backstage, while I scratch my head wondering what makes this kid different to the other mid-level singers who got rejected.

Happily, the show descends into the post-audition merriment and a big video montage of the live auditions. We breathe a sigh of relief that the weirdness is over and we can focus on the boot camps now. And we get a sneak preview of the boot camp from next week, showing some tense scenes as people’s dreams really get smashed! Hooray!

Well here we are, liveblogging yet another X Factor auditions show. One thing’s for damned sure, it could not be worse than last week’s talent black hole. And since we’re moving toward the boot camp and judge’s houses part of the series, there have to be at least a couple of good singers, right? Right? [blog silence...tumbleweed]

Back in Londinuim for auditions again, and the first act to perform is average-looking security guard Richard. After what sounds more like a sound problem than the intro to a song, he bursts into an embarrassing version of Word Up. A good voice for radio jingles, possibly, but not for the pop charts, matey. Simon thinks he is the type of person who should be listening to music instead of making it. And Richard actually looks devastated and surprised when the string of “No” votes come.

Suddenly, the unexpected side-effect of Susan Boyle becomes clear: we have to take all the freaky acts seriously, just in case they turn out to be surprisingly good. This is evidenced by the inevitable line of oddballs and codgers who queue up to assault our earballs. Pink shirted Maurice was attrocious. Dayglo-wearing croaker Chelsea was also horrendously bad.

And then – ladies rejoice – Jeremy Edwards look-a-bit-a-like, Ethan Boroian appears on stage. He’s from the US of A and sings their new national anthem, Use Somebody by Kings Of Leon. And to quote Paramore, “Hallelujah” – a tuneful singer within the first 15 minute. Unheard of for this series. Dannii is drooling in a way that reminds us a little of Sharon Osbourne. Simon thinks Ethan likes music, which is always a good sign in a singer. And he’s through to the Hollywood…er Boot Camp round.

And after the break, the X Factor fun factory takes a trip to Brumland. And Cheryl’s brought little Ashley along with her. Simon gives her a cake with a (non-tetanus requiring) dog made out of icing. But the way to a stick-thin popstar’s heart might not be through her stomach, Simon.

Next up? Prison-teacher stroke poodle, Faye, comes on stage. Cowell definitely has a shot with this one. She wants to be a world-wide diva. Simon likes to create world-wide divas. It’s a match made in A&R heaven! The beauty of it is that she’s a frickin’ brilliant singer. Cue comparisons by Louis to Dusty Springfield. Simon thinks she’s interesting but doesn’t sound like a recording artist. She strides off the stage in her fetishtastic costume happy because she’s going to boot camp.

We’re then treated to a blurry montage of good acts that get processed as quickly as if this was the drive-thru version of X Factor auditions. Some good singers among their number – but did we really need that footage of the girl fake-phoning all her friends for the cameras?

Commercial break – oooh, Katie Price reveals all! I’d prefer her to wear a turtle-neck sweater until she’s 80, thanks very much. My eyes can’t handle her comedy boobage any more. Or her incredibly tabloid-friendly lifestyle. Yuck yuck yuck. End of commercial.

Short video tribute to Simon’s t-shirt collection, which is more interesting than the next act: Natricia Thompson. Has all the looks of a mentalist, but because of the aforementioned Susan Boyle rule, we have to give her a fair listen. Oh bollocks, you can judge a book by its cover, can’t you? Boyle was just the exception to the rule. Simon disses her Whitney-murdering screeching and kicks her off the stage promptly.

Freak gallery: some dude who looks like Lord Voldemort’s stunt double totally botches Vogue. Cheryl encourages wannabe Simone to take his top off so the audience can ogle while he destroys Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

Dermott wakes us up again with a story about an old lady’s dream. Gawd love her, that sunburn looked bad, didn’t it readers? She comes out, bingo-wings a-waving and before long, she’s declaring her lust for Simon – she wants him for her “joy-boy”. Kill me now. It’s hard not to like the woman though, but it’s harder to vote her through to boot camp. So they all say no. Bad judges! But Simon calls her back for an audition again tomorrow..while we all scratch our heads.

Kandy Rain looks awesome – finally something for the men to ogle, but they raise a laugh in our house when they say they did the provocative routine for Simon…and Louis. Whaddaya mean Louis?

Stacey McClean impresses us as well, then we get former auditionee Dominic Harris. He’s back for a second bite at the X Factor cherry, singing ‘alleged’ woman beater Chris Brown’s song, With You. Louis makes a ‘hmmm, good’ face, but I’m personally not feeling this performance. Chris Brown’s phrasing makes that song good, and Dominic’s rendition is slightly bland. Simon notes this, while Cheryl says the swagger’s not quite there yet. Nonetheless, he gets full votes from all the judges. Anyone else notice how everytime Simon says “Four yeses” he winks as well?

Nicole Lawrence gives a sound version of Little Piece Of My Heart, but gets stopped abruptly and told to forget about singing in “crummy clubs”. Instead, she performs an Alicia Keys song as a backup. We’re not sure what it is, but Nicole gives it a smoky, soulful vocal. And the audience reward her with a standing ovation. Simon rejects her in a very strange way, as if he knows the other will vote her through. And guess what? Louis, Dannii and Cheryl vote her through. SHOCKER!

Katie and Russell are the next auditionees to come along, performing as the badly spelled It Takez 2. Brilliantly, they met at Pontins, which is where they’ll end up after X Factor anyway. Katie is actually a brilliant singer – she gets some really surprised looks from the judges. Dannii notes this in the comments. Simon threatens to vote against them, but seems to change his mind at the last moment, making Dannii the only judge to vote against them, the Grinch! A cute end to the show, but slightly felt sorry for Russell!

All in all though, a better audition night than last week, with a few good possible contestants among them. Only one more night of auditions to endure (tomorrow, to save you checking the TV guide) and then we move to boot camp, getting to know the contestants a bit better and shortlisting closer to the final 12 contestants!

OK, starting this liveblog slightly inebriated and slightly behind the broadcast show (thanks to Sky+). After two weeks rather devoid of talent, we’re hoping that somehow X Factor will have attracted a decent singer.

The first stop on the tour is Glasgow, which is in danger of bringing on the mentalists, but also holds a chance of having some great singers.

Diana Watson – All That Jazz

Delusional Diana believes that her act will be brilliant. It’s a double act with her dog. Her ambition is to storm the charts with her pooch with a type of act never before seen in the pop charts. Maybe that should have been a clue for her.

She comes on the show to the bemusement of the judges – Dannii in particular looks slightly confused, Simon pours heaps of scorn on the poor woman. And as she gets into her version of I Will Survive, Cheryl looks horrified. This is no Susan Boyle! Louis says “No.” Diana says “Awww, Simon,” as if Cowll somehow hexed Louis into rejecting her.

And here’s the thing, when she came down the stairs, I half-expected Ant and Dec to meet her, not Dermot.

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Tonight’s the third night of audition footage, and I’m tired.

If the ‘talent’ is as dubious as it was last week, I’m not looking forward to a mixture of idiots in jumpers singing badly and humdrum singers being conspicuously overpraised by the judges.

Although, I should admit that the slightly candid intro shots of Simon and the rest of the judges is quite funny – Cowell is stroking a Chihuahua, which is hilarious. I always had him down as a cat person…

First Mancunian auditionee is Alan Busby. Are we starting with the weird auditions first? He reckons he’s better than all the other competition, then jumps right into the most hideous version of When The Going Gets Tough. This isn’t even funny, it’s wrong on every level. An unamused Simon Cowell raises a hand to stop him. They reject him, with Dannii telling him he looked like he was being electrocuted.

I don’t know how O’Leary can interview some of these people with a straight face…

An array of freakos passes by, and it’s more like they’re auditioning for the ensemble of losers who get to perform in the last show. Well, it’s one way to get to the finals of X Factor, I suppose.

OK, so off to Wales and a weird-but-fun looking bunch calling themselves 2 Gorgeous 4 Words comes on. Let’s Hear It For The Boys is the song, but sadly it’s a lackluster effort. Is Cardiff going to be another parade of oddballs?

Next up is Ashanti Webbe – who Simon is lukewarm about. She gets four votes, despite a tame performance. Is she going to be a dark horse at boot camp? Watch this space, readers.

Daniel Williams is on next singing Let It Be by The Beatles. Simon and Louis chew the fat on where they would market him, considering him as a ‘middle of the road Michael Ball’, which would make anybody want to abandon their music career. Unintentionally the cruelest put-down I’ve ever heard on X Factor!

Right readers, prick up your ears for Lucy Jones. Lisa tells me she’s a serious contender. A pretty brunette from a rural village, she’s clearly hungry for a shot at fame. Will she get it? She decides to leap off the deep end with a Whitney Houston classic. The voice is great, crystal clear with a few wobbly notes, but the audience are on their feet by the end.  Cheryl “loved the vulnerability in [her] voice”, Louis claims she “ticks all the boxes”. Simon praises her for not trying to impersonate Whitney on it. Yes, she’s through to boot camp.

After a few comedy auditions (I use the word ‘comedy’ loosely). perfect-haired Lloyd Daniels comes to the stage singing Jason Mraz, but kind of ballses it up. Dannii begs for him to get another chance, and he shines singing a different song. It’s a far better performance, good strong vocal and no-one’s prouder than Lloyd’s dad, who whoops it up backstage. Frontstage, the judges are crowing about his girl-friendly appearance and singing voice. Lloyd unanimously gets sent through to boot camp.

Funniest concept act of the night has to be “Combined Effort”, who are auditioning despite having recently split up as a couple. The guy looks like “give ‘em a song, Ella” from a few years ago. They do that crappy old Starship song, sung badly, but rehearsed in such a way that it looks like he’s breaking down in the first verse, but she ‘encourages’ him on with the chorus. Pure cheese. The show suddenly morphs into Blind Date 2009 with every judge dropping relationship advice on the 19 year olds. Brilliant!

A singer called Jade Fubara comes on next – no backing track needed for this big voice. Jade’s a mere 17 years old, but gets an amazing reaction from the audience. Cheryl describes her as “raw, amazing talent”, Louis tells her she “makes it all so worthwhile, what the X Factor is all about”. She gets a resounding seal of approval from the judging panel, with Simon Cowell predicting big things for her. Nice one!

The appearance by Fouad (that was not Vision Of Love by Mariah Carey) was remarkable only for the synchronized tea drinking by Cheryl and Simon. Actually, given the fact that he already had two backing tracks queued up, it also proves that the producers put these acts on for comic relief, which makes the audition process and the ‘reality factor’ look like a bit of a joke. Likewise with “Combined Effort” earlier in the show – a cleverly rehearsed routine to be sure, but it looked so planned.

Still, if we switch off the cynicism for a minute, it was actually quite an entertaining episode of X Factor, with a few serious contenders for the live shows in between far too many awful acts.

Last week’s auditions show took a lot of flack for changing the classic “laugh at the morons” formula. Not from us, we think the BGT-style live auditions rock and finally focus on finding great performers for the live shows.

Never mind, there are plenty of morons to laugh at tonight, but they still fly before you have time to point at the screen and sneer.

First to the stage is Brummie Alan Walton, who spends most of his audition giving Simon directions to his flat. He fluffs the beginning of the song as he tries to count himself in with his watch. Oh, he’s singing Boyzone, by the way. Total disaster. Even Louis didn’t put him through.

He’s followed by a girl who no-one can understand, either singing or talking. This is the tip of a montage of oddballs. Andrew Ellis was told by angels to audition tonight, but not coached by them on how to sing. Bad angels. Good Lord. Birmingham might get blacklisted next year!

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Good evening everybody! It’s only been a few months since Big Brother last graced our screens, but tonight it returns, and we’re liveblogging the whole thing!

Davina’s live on stage outside the house right now, and she’s showing us parts of the housemates’ bodies! And now she’s in the bathroom, showing us around the place. She’s at pains to reminds us how the celebs don’t want us looking at them in the showers or toilets! You don’t know how bizarre it is to see Davina traipsing around the house – because we were there just a few days ago!

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Here we go folks, the second-last live show of 2008’s X Factor. Tonight, the contestants are free to choose whatever they like to sing. Goodbye to theme weeks and all of that boring stuff that normally trips up the contestants!

First up, is…

Eoghan Quigg

We were talking about this in the house last night, and Lisa said how she thought Eoghan would suit a McFly-style song. And to be fair, he looks a lot more confident rocking out than he did on last week’s High School Musical stuff.

Despite a fairly weak start (on Busted’s Year 3000), he ended on a real high note. Perhaps not as strong as the judges might have you believe, but still a stronger effort than last week.

Diana Vickers

Diana takes to the stage with Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend. Finally, we get a good performance from Diana again. Looking good and sounding good. And did you notice she’s jettisoned the quirky vocals for a more conventional singing style. That worked well for her. Good comeback.

(Sorry guys, I’ve missed the first batch of Judge’s comments for Diana and Eoghan – I’ll go back and update them later)

Alexandra Burke

Here’s Alexandra with a version of Rihanna’s Don’t Stop The Music. I think we’re agreed that the vocals are suffering slightly due to the dance routine, but still this girl puts on a show!

Louis: Last week, you were incredible – this week you’re just as good. You’ve got everything, you must make the final. Dannii: A feirce performance, I loved everything about it. Simon: We may be seeing the birth of a star here. I said it last week – you want to find someone British who you can be proud of and who can represent this country all over the world. Cheryl: That was the best performance of an up tempo song you’ve done.

JLS

Oh, here’s another Rihanna song – Umbrella this time. Aston’s doing a good job singing solo, then he’s joined by the other guys in a Bee Gees stylee. Then it goes all hip-hop. Nice. Hell, they even worked in a backflip. Fair play lads, I always said you were better than people thought!

Dannii: The best performance we’ve had from a band on this show ever. Cheryl: You’ve smashed it, smashed it, smashed it. Loved the Chris Brown slant at the end and thought it was fantastic. Simon: This is arguably one of the most important performances of your lives. You’ve chosen one of the most recognizable songs of the last few years and it was amazing.

First part of the show’s over…

Some feedback from our forum devotees – the judges are being over-enthusiastic about some of the acts tonight. You know, where the compliments they’re bestowing are miles ahead of how good the performances actually were.

Still, everybody’s raised their game tonight, even Diana and Eoghan who were fading last week. Here’s comes the second part – will it be as good?

Eoghan Quigg

OK, Eoghan’s tackling an ABBA song tonight, Does Your Mama Know? He’s dancing on a piano. Tonight’s repositioning Eoghan as a rocker is working well, but we still can’t hear him as well in the mix as we’d like.

Louis: That was a fun performance. You’re only 16 and you’ve no fear. Dannii: I did not get that song choice at all. For me, it slants towards cheesy. I thought it was dangerous song choice. Cheryl: You know what – you bring the fun factor to this show. Well done son. Simon: It’s a great song, biggest band in the world, and it’s your favourite.

I wonder if he’s really an ABBA fan?

Diana Vickers

This second part of the show must be the ‘stand up on something high’ round, because Diana is standing on a stepped platform. She’s singing a Dido classic – White Flag. She looks angelic in a white dress, and the singing is really back on form (okay, until that note. gulp). Nice ending.

Louis: That was a perfect song for you, and I hope it’s enough to get you into the final. Dannii: You are having a strong night tonight. Simon: I preferred the first song to be honest. It’s not my favourite song in the world that. Having said that, you sang the second half of that song well. Cheryl: I believe that you’re a little star in the making.

Alexandra Burke

Aren’t these VT’s a total soap opera, folks? They set it up: massive song, don’t know how she’ll manage this, etc. Then the performance starts, and you know she’s going to walk her performance.

Alex takes the stage looking hella classy, and singing…well, the singing’s amazing. Wow. You know, this girl just blows me away. In exactly the same way Leona did a couple of years ago. Standing ovation.

Louis: You’re an incredible singer, you’re an incredible performer. Dannii: Alex, you are a star. You have to be in the final. Simon: It occurred to me that actually you could leave this competition tonight.  But that song may just have changed everything now. If it is a talent competition, you have to make it through to the final and I hope people vote for you. Cheryl: I want to take this opportunity to thank you for making my first experience here so good.

Cue lovefest between Cheryl and Alexandra, and a little bit of a blub about how people need to get out there and start living their dreams. Vote Alex people!

JLS

OK, the obligatory Westlife-alike part of the competition. JLS get dresses up in semi-casual suits, looking snazzy and Louis is pretending to cry. Seriously he’s pretending. This is ridiculous.

These guys have been turned into a black version of Westlife. I’m sorry, but it’s true. They are the natural successors to Westlife. I guarantee that they’ll pick up the mantle.

But it’s the semi-final, so expect a whitewash from the judges.

Dannii: That was so classy and beautiful, a great song choice, congratulations. Cheryl: That was my favourite ballad of your throughout the competition. Simon: Aston, this is the first time I’ve seen you emotional, but your three mates came in an supported you in the chorus. I’m going to make a prediction – you could actually win this show. The last two performances, you and Alex were in a different league. Louis: I want you in the final so much.

Right, I’ve been watching Cowell send coded messages to the public a lot over the years, and his comment about Alex and JLS is pretty much solid proof that the judges want a two-way final between those two. As I said during the week, they’re both highly marketable. And when you consider that last year’s final three all got signed, there’s every chance that you’ll be able to buy albums by JLS and Alexandra (and possibly Diana) this time next year.

Does this mean Simon has unofficially dropped his support for Eoghan?