We’re back, we’re severely hung over and we’re liveblogging X Factor! Yay! Thanks to our Primetime writer Lynn for her brilliant coverage of last night’s show – her comment about Dermot, “I would wreck that dude” has had me in stitches more than once today!

As always, follow us on this post and leave your critiques and comments below.

So, the beautiful thing about tonight is, we really don’t care who gets booted. I’m just here for the Susan Boyle performance and to see what Mariah Carey’s boobies are wearing.

And we start with the ensemble performance. Ah, campy pink and yellow colours and pure cheese performances. Do you remember the days of fluorescent colour schemes? Oh yeah, they were singing Wake Me Up Before You Go-go.

And then we get a few minutes of gloating over the various X Factor chart successes – Leona’s album, the charity single, etc. We segue directly into a recap of yesterday’s performances.

SuBo returns

Yes, the wonderful non-winner of Britain’s Got Talent returns in excellent style. She’s singing Wild Horses from her debut album. Although we weren’t ‘wild’ about the single when it first came out, it’s a great showcase for Susan’s voice. Simply a great, subdued performance. But still, absolutely no idea how to do an interview. “Bloody fantastic!” she says to Dermot, live on ITV1, and you can almost hear the groans from the control room as they quickly cut to commercials…

Mariah!

After a little bit of speculation about the best and worst acts, we get treated to an awesome video montage reminding us just how good Mariah can be. Look at those hits! *cough cough* She’s here to perform her new single, a cover of Foreigner’s I Want To Know What Love Is. She does these soft rock cover versions from time to time…

Refreshingly, she wearing a beautiful black dress instead of her usual next-to-nothing. I have to say, she was looking a little fuller figured (by which I mean chubby) tonight – I wonder if we’ll be treated to speculation about Mariah being pregnant in tomorrow’s papers? And wow, a vocal return to the glass-shattering high notes of yesteryear as well. What did you guys think of the Mariah performance?

Not very tense elimination bit

Indeed, Dermot, let’s welcome back the judges and the contestants to see who the public didn’t support this week. Wonder if the phone revenue has taken a hit this week as the nation used up all their phone credit voting for Katie Price to eat balls?

First contestant returned is Stacey Solomon, followed by Joe McElderry. The third act returning is…Danyl Johnson. So the conspiracy theories might be wrong? The last safe act is Lloyd Daniels – the boos from the audience are brilliant. That leaves Jedward squaring up against Olly Murs. It’s a massive “Oh shit!” moment. I’d be seriously worried that Lloyd is going to keep slipping through right up to the finals.

The Sing-off

OK, John and Edward are up first. They walk on stage to heavy booing, then break into a Boyzone classic – No Matter What. Meanwhile, Louis is probably giving a plethora of rude gestures to the members of the audience. It’s bad move to give Jedward a song that relies on singing ability – this is how they go out – even Louis introduced them in a defeatist way. Usually, he’s brimming with confidence for his act, but he seemed resigned to the fact that they were leaving this evening.

Simon – seemingly stunned that Olly’s dubious charms have worn off introduces Mr Murs. He’s doing a boybandified version of Eric Clapton’s Wonderful Tonight. Go and listen to Clapton’s understated original to see exactly how bad this is, readers. Utter shite. I know he’s technically better than Jedward, but this guy is not the future of the British music industry.

Judgey Judgey

Simon tells Jedward he will miss them but sides with Olly. Likewise, Cheryl saves Olly. Louis chooses Jedward. Will Dannii save Olly, since he’s technically the best singer? She makes her big point about it being a singing competition. And finally, praise to Dannii, she drives the final nail into the Jedward coffin. Ahhhhhhhhhh, satisfaction! Cheerio, oddballs!

Interviewing Louis, he says “they made me feel young again”, and we all have a dirty laugh under our breath! Adding to the innuendo, John (or Edward) says he “hope Stacey and Olly go all the way”. Does he mean in the competition or in the romantic sense?

Friday night, and the relentless blogging of I’m A Celebrity continues apace. Your comments, as always, are appreciated.

Thankfully, after a false start over the last few days, Celebrity actually started to get interesting last night with some bitchy moments between Kim and Justin and some full-on craziness from Joe Bugner, who is fast becoming the ‘legend’ of the 2009 series. George Hamilton is still excused from being interesting on medical grounds.

And so we join the camp(s). The luxury camp are waking up blissfully rested, while the exiles are looking groggy and rough. SamFox has got a tic, and it’s not a nervous one. Stuart Manning has a little rummage in his nether regions for bugs. It’s important to check that regularly anyway, readers.

Celebrity Rat Eating

Stuart has the brainwave that he’s going to eat rat for dinner tonight. Lucy Benjamin has a wonderful freak-out about the very notion of eating rats. Gino seems to be happy about the challenge of cooking the vermin. Wonder if he can see the prospect of a cookery show focussed around rodents?

Five minutes later, Lucy can suddenly confidently declare that she’d rather have rat than crocodile feet. Funny how your perspective changes, innit?

Persecuted Price

The brave glamour model cum business magnate is whinging about her unbroken string of nasty tasks. She’s not amused, which means that we are amused. The nation is voting in the Name Of Andre. Yes, Katie, Britain is officially Team Andre, so please go to another country or at least somewhere that papparazzi or ITV don’t exist.

Her task is a relatively mild ’scale a wall and stick your arm into some holes’ thing. The pathetic whimpering and shivering is becoming so thoroughly annoying now – I was initially sympathetic toward her two days ago, but now I just want to vote her out of there. Yes, I may actually break my infamous no-vote rule to get rid of Katie Price. I suggest you do too.

Until they open up voting to eliminate people, I suggest we keep voting Katie Price in for the tasks and then vote her out at the first opportunity.

Brilliant task though – a variety of ways that the stars had to be removed – screwing them and taking them off laces, etc. She eventually came out with 9 stars – 6 of which go to her team in base camp and 3 which go to the exiles. Ant & Dec give her the now-obligatory chance to tell the public that she’s really really a nice person and they should stop torturing her now. This is so horribly blatant – I don’t see people telling us that Joe Bugner’s a lovely guy, or that Colin and Justin are just the sweetest couple ever. In. Fur. Ia. Ting.

Kim’s Paranoia & Bush Battles

Kim thinks that most of the base camp people are willing to stab her in the back. I can guess about three – who do you think she was talking about?

Joe and Sabrina have a squabble about whether Stuart can make a career in Los Angeles. Bugner is fast becoming the snarky old bitch of the camp, isn’t he? I think I like that – at least he’s mixing it up.

Meanwhile, the Bush Battle between the members of Exile Camp is kicking off – they have to hold water in tubes with their fingers. George has a moment of brilliance when he convinces the girls – Sam and Lucy – to take their fingers away. Of course, he double crosses them – he doesn’t take his fingers off and their tubes empty out. Showing a sharp ol’ sense of humour, he takes a swipe at Katie’s mid-task moaning: “Oh, I can’t take this another second. I’m just thinking of Junior…”

Ultimately, Stuart ‘takes one for the team’ and loses, going to the luxury camp and becoming exempt from being voted out.

Ding, Ding, Round 2

Yes, the Bugner v Washington title match is well underway, with Sabrina being the rebellious teenager to Bugner’s whingy old lady. He has a good old moan to Justin, who disagrees. Jimmy White takes the role of mediator – telling Joe that he was welcome to make a meal someday himself if he has a problem with Sabrina’s cooking.

Fair play to wee Justin, he stands his ground with Joe, defending Sabrina (Jimmy sticks up for her as well) – and Sabrina rounds on his criticism saying he had no problem with the food she cooked the previous day. Hah! Up yours, Bugner!

Bushtucker Cop-out

Ant & Dec come straight out and tell Katie that she’s up for the task tonight. But…she’ll be doing it alongside the person from Exile who had the most votes. Not fair! We weren’t voting for two people to do the task – is this just about making it easier for Jordan? Up to you, readers. Let me know what you think…

Woot! Another day, another I’m A Celebrity liveblog.

Before we begin, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I’ve never really watched I’m A Celebrity before. So, this is my first time paying attention to the series. Having liveblogged the show for five days now, my initial impressions are:

• There’s a lot of filler. I understand that without the tasks, etc, it would be pretty dull, but they show previews before every commercial break of stuff coming up. You could watch this show on fast-forward and it would last five minutes.
• Er…don’t the insect and gunk-related tasks get a little bit old after a while? I know it’s the wrong country for it, but it’s be class to have a bear attack the camp. Like, a real threat. Jordan swimming with pirhannas? Yes please.
• Ant & Dec could be called Hit & Miss. In that order. Some of the jokes encite groans in our living room.
• Kim’s verbal onslaught against Katie Price last night was brilliant – some real depth for once and not just an easy ride for the highest paid celeb in camp. We’ll have some more real relationships between our celebs please…

Anyway, let’s hope that’s all because it’s early days. Tonight, evil Big Brother the I’m A Celebrity producers have decided to split up the camp and put them in competition against each other.

Joe’s Insomnia drives him Insania

Joe’s having trouble adjusting to the jungle. He didn’t sleep due to the heat. And he seems comitted to acting father figure and laying down ground rules for the campers. Another lecture about the dangers of the jungle puts the celebs on edge. Justin Ryan in particular seems to have a chip on his shoulder about the whole thing. And Kim’s not pleased about the prospect of iinsects invading her nether regions.

Price’s Live Task: The Aftermath

Colin and Jimmy get drafted in to reassure us that Price wasn’t quivering like a freak just for the cameras. They’re certain that the whole episode was genuine. “Dear public, it would be thoroughly boring if Katie has to do every task, every day. And it also hurts her little feelings. You buy celeb magazines to read about her latest melodrama, so she thinks you love her. Then you repeatedly vote to smother her in cock(roaches). Tut, tut. Love, the folks at ITV”

Aw, f**k, she’s already threatening to leave. That’ll be her drama of the night. “I don’t need this, this show needs me.” Then “voice of reason” Gino tells us off for voting Price for all the tasks. Shame on us, public. Shame on us. No, shame on ITV for allowing her to go in there in the first place. They totally misunderstand her public image if they thought the public wouldn’t vote her for all the tasks.

Sorry, I know I’m moaning about this, but it’s total crap to put someone in there, then manipulate the public not to vote for them. I could see she was bricking it last night.

Moley moley moley

The ever-outspoken Kim plays on Justin’s insecurity about his facial moles. She unsubtly suggests that he should have them sawn off. Understandably, he’s upset about this and bitches about her to the other campers. She overhears and confronts him about it. On the face of it, she seems calm and polite, but you can almost see a murderous Kim ready to surface.

If I were Justin, I’d watch my back.

Gino’s horny

Totally ignoring the Jordan propaganda show, Justin asks Gino if he’s missing the wife. Gino doesn’t quite answer straight – he says he’s missing the rumpy pumpy. He didn’t actually say he missed rumpy pumpy with his wife.

Better still, he’s keen for some kind of sexual floor show, so he encourages Colin and Justin to become the first celebrity couple to shag in the jungle. Brilliant, Gino, you big pimp. Colin dodges that bullet by suggesting that the audience isn’t quite ready for that. “It might be more pay per view.” Which means if the price is right…

Celebrity Splits…

And finally, we get to watch the camp split in two. Bush Battles FTW! The opposing teams really take to the idea of competing against each other. Their first battle is for the right to stay in base camp. The losing team get exiled while the winners are exempt from being voted off.

It’s an endurance task, requiring the contestants to prop up buckets. If they let go, they get covered in stinking fluid. Brilliantly, Justin starts to work the remaining contestants, especially Joe Bugner. Then they go to work on Sam Fox, singing her hits hit single back to her.

Sabrina wins for the orange team after Stuart gets a spot of cramp in his arm. Poor baby. And beaten by a girl, too! The winning team return to camp to discover pillows and seat covers and dressing gowns. And beer!

Exile

By contrast, Exile is an utter hell hole. There’s only one bed, and there are rats and spiders crawling everywhere. Kim freaks out. You can’t clean this one up, Kimmie! Later on though, Lucy admits that the squalor wasn’t as bad as it looked.

And finally, the next task…

Gino is in the frame for this one. Will the pro-Price propaganda pay off? Aparently not – it might be Katie Price. In fact, it is Katie Price. Will this push her over the edge? Will she walk out of the camp?

Did she actually ask “Why are people picking me?” Well readers, why do you think people are voting for her?

Welcome back for another evening of bitching about Katie Price. Sorry, I mean live coverage of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, the longest titled show on TV at the moment.

First off, Camilla Dallerup has walked out of camp. Hopefully ITV get a return of a portion of her fee, since she completely failed to entertain us. Just getting that off my chest.

Kim’s snoring

George complains about Kim’s hog-like snoring. Actually, he calls her a water buffalo. Even Gino can hear the snorting sound from outside the caravan Kim and George are sharing.

Jut noticed – George looks a little bit like Archie Mitchell on Botox. Doesn’t he?

But the salacious Hamilton revelations continue – he tells us, sensationally, that Elizabet Taylor doesn’t snore. Fantastic. I’m sure that just radically altered the public perception of the serial divorcee. Wonderful George – have a word with Katie Price about what works as tabloid fodder these days.

Katie Price hits the bottle

Well, despite its cramped conditions, at least the ginormous bottle they’re about to lock Katie Price in is airy and bright. Unlike the hole she got stuck in last night. They load it up with literally thousands of ‘orrible insects and bung her inside.

Oh, and this is the brilliant part – whenever she gets a question wrong, they rotate the bottle. Like a cement mixer, it dumps the bugs all over her. She’s literally crawling in bugs. Aw, sick, they’re literally falling into her mouth. Worse still, they’re bombarding her with obscure Australian trivia questions which she has no hope of getting right.

People on Twitter are gleefully loving this torture. Anyone else feel itchy watching those bugs crawling all over her? And in a dramatic break with tradition,  I actually felt a little sorry for her there. She got six stars in the end, which she felt was good because of how little she knew about Australia (the country her ex-husband came from).

Ant makes an uncharacteristically good quip about a cockroach that was on Price’s body – “If he stayed there long enough, he’d have got his own ITV2 show!”

Shockingly, more Jordan

Kim Woodburn speaks for the nation when she accuses Price of being a complete attention seeker. She says, don’t pretend you don’t love the publicty, you’re posing in the shower for the cameras, knowing full well you’re on the front page of all the papers. Brilliant. Kim rises about 1,000 points in my estimation. Don’t pretend you came in here for peace and quiet. Inside the hut, Kim says “To be honest, I can’t take another two weeks of this bull!”

The one thing that didn’t happen was: we didn’t get much of a straight answer from Miss Price. Sure, she was flippant about Kim’s on-the-money critique, but she had no comeback for those accusations.

Celebrity Chest: Stuart and Sabrina

Stuart Manning and Sabrina Washington take the next celebrity chest task, which is a piddling little exercise – find some rocks underwater and line them up to do some maths. For a moment, Stuart frowns himself a monobrow and looks like a caveman, which does nothing for our confidence in his arithmetic abilities.

Eventually they retrieve the chest and return to camp. The question is about which track was the seventh on Mis-Teeq’s Greatest Hits album. Gino – fresh from knowing Sam Fox’s back catalogue, admits to knowing the running order of the album. Then he pretends it’s actually his wife’s. Macho. So macho. (Sinitta, 1985)

Camilla wimps out

Only a few days into camp, Camilla lets the team down. Of course, they all chirp in unison “Och, you’re not letting the team down.” But as Colin admits, the vultures circled quite quickly and they were (secretly) glad to get rid of her. Echoes of Nicole Appleton in that girl.

Anyway, as Lisa reported earlier, Camilla is being replaced by sporting personality Joe Bugner. At least Jimmy White knows who he is. We don’t ‘do’ sports personalities here on Unreality TV. But we love his hair.

Brilliantly, Joe has great local knowledge of the jungle, and around the campfire he frightens the delicate celebrities about deadly spiders and the dangers they need to be aware of. Looking at George Hamilton, he says “This is not Beverly Hills”. He warns Colin and Justin about getting sucked dry. By leeches!

Live trial

This is the first live trial of the series. Joe is apparently exempt from this task. Shockingly, Katie Price is the first possibility to do the task. Justin is the second. Hmmm, wonder if that’s because he’s been saying nice things about her? But no, Price gets to do the trial. This is getting boring. And she’s crying on screen. And shaking.

Ant & Dec look uncomfortable talking to her, don’t they? As with everything Katie Price, we’re left wondering whether she’s faking nerves or if it’s real. So they take a break (presumably to pump a couple of Valium into her). They’ve done everything here to make the public feel guilty for voting for Price, even a “If you’re watching kids, Mummy loves you…” Shameful programming. Did she think the public loved her?

First up, she has to plunge her face into a vat of slime and retrieve a star with her mouth. It’s gagtastic! Next she has to probe a facefull of mealworms in search of the next one. This is rancid. The third part of the task is to remove words from a globe filled with snakes then match the word to the quote on a nearby blackboard. She finishes this one quickly and brings her total up to five stars.

It’s a much more humble Katie Price we’re seeing here tonight, folks. Being made to do three tasks in a row, at the whim of the public, must be taking its toll on her. It’s not pleasant to watch though. I’d rather they sent her home than go through this humiliation every night.

After flaking out on drinking a glass of beatle juice (not Paul McCartney’s hopefully), the tasks get easier from there. Nothing more disgusting, except a relatively fun task at the end – answering a maths question by providing the correct number of eels as the answer. Although she worked the answer out, the eels eel-luded her.

The final task is to stand in plastic coat and boots, which they fill with insects. It’s not pretty, but nothing she hasn’t endured before. Ant & Dec unashamedly continue the pro-Pricey movement when they turn to the other celebs and ask if they’d have done that task. Anyone else get the feeling they’re being manipulated? Ah hell, vote her up for one more task and we’ll see how real or fake tonight’s display was.

Before we start our I’m A Celebrity liveblog post, let me get this whinge out of the way. I love boobs. I’m a boob man. The bigger the better is my rule of thumb. But I generally draw the line when said boobs can be seen from space.

And I do appreciate that it’s Pricey’s (self-inflicted) handicap that her cleavage cannot be contained. But if I never lay eyes on that silicone canyon again, it’ll be too soon.

Anyway, on to tonight’s show and doddery screen legend George Hamilton is rapturous about his fellow campers. And in return, his companions are rallying around him, washing his clothes and everything. Does he do anything by himself? He’s yet again exempt from tasks on medical grounds. He’s no George Takei, is he?

Katie rummages around in a hole

Boobzilla is up for her task tonight. She moans to the camera that the public must hate her if they put her up for a task. And they say she’s stupid…

Greeting Ant and Dec with a delightful “I’m not interested”, the ever-charming ‘model and business woman’ is told about her task: She has to burrow into an underground tunnel and retrieve the usual series of starswhile being set upon by various beasties. A regular night out for this girl. If last night’s watchword was ‘closure’, tonight’s phrase is ‘I’m not as ballsy as I was 6 years ago’.

Here’s the strange thing, before they cut to the adverts, they show Price freaking out in the tunnel and being dragged out. Then, knowing how it all ends, we have to watch the whole thing. That’s grossly unfair, ITV. Any chance we could see one of the other celebrities? I’d settle for Sam Fox, even.

Love it! Ant advises her it’d be “easier if you got on your back”. I bet you he was sniggering when he said that Shortly afterward, they flood the tunnel with water and she’s reduced to a shivering, gibbering wreck. On a “sympathy for Katie” scale of 1 to 10, I walked off and made a cup of tea. Although – in fairness – when she discovers how badly she did, she offers to go without her own dinner.

A quick epiphany

A couple of people have referred to this year’s series of I’m A Celebrity as The Katie Price Show. I can kind of see why. So far, the other celebrities aren’t doing anything of note – we may need to give them some trials instead of Price.

I can’t help wondering if the camp dynamic would have been better without Katie or if the producers realised it was going to be a dull crew and drafted her in to liven things up. Tell me what you guys think…

Camp romances

Sabrina Washington makes a brilliant faux pas when she tells Katie that she’s a private person and would never play out a relationship on TV. Whoopsie, love, don’t you know what Katie Price is famous for?

Camp Knockers

Gino(to be fair, everybody) is talking about the amount of boobage in the camp. To be honest, Kim and Katie should be excluded on the grounds of “far too much”, while Camilla is suffering the exact opposite problem. For my money, Lucy Benjamin and Sam Fox are the acceptable middle ground. Gentlemen? Care to pass comment?

The conversation moves back to flatulance and general bodily functions.  How much do you show your partner? Gino doesn’t allow his wife to fart, burp or anything in front of him. Colin and Justin agree – no watching each other on the toilet. Sabrina inexplicably tries to rationalise ramping up the farts for people she’s really intimite with. Say it with farts?

Benjamin and White do a celebrity chest

Our former EastEnder and former snooker champ find themselves somewhat lacking in the intelligence department. They have to lower a bucket with a key attached by filling it with water. It was a real genius task, and took the duo a good 45 minutes to get the key down. According to Dec though, they got the question wrong and didn’t actually win anything.

But soon enough, it’s back to the Katie Show, and Katie and Gino are talking about her breakup with Peter Andre. At the same time, Kim is being deliciously bitchy about her as she brings George Hamilton up to speed. When Hamilton asks her why the couple broke up, Kim says “Well, you’ve met Jordan, haven’t you?” Yes, readers, Kim Woodburn is definitely Team Andre.

But as Price is lined up for yet another awful task, I can’t help but notice how she’s using the show as a platform – she’s constantly repeating the same phrases each night. All this wittering on about closure and not being as ballsy as she was last time, it sounds like she’s desperately trying to get a message out there. I can’t help wondering if Katie’s just playing out the narrative of her ’story’ through this medium. And ITV seem to be allowing it. They’re letting her repeat these little soundbytes ad nauseum and giving very little screen time to the other contestants.

I understand how newsworthy Price is, and that the producers have a desire to put bums on sofas around the country watching this. But it kind of feels like I tuned in to watch a reality show and have found myself held captive while ITV allow Katie Price to read excerpts from her forthcoming 53rd autobiography*.

* And by autobiography, I mean she makes the story up as she goes along, collects the press clippings and passes them to her ghost writer who was probably fired by Mills & Boon for writing unbelievably cliched claptrap.

G’day all! It’s our second day of I’m A Celebrity, and we’re aghast that Katie Price is the focal point of this episode.

But first, a comedy montage of celebrity flatulence as the gassy Z-listers snore, fart and grunt their way through the night. Well, except for delicate Camilla, who has a problem with the insects. Annoying Kim clucks her way through the morning, alternating between mother hen and stern headmistress. She wants everybody to smile through the experience, despite being the #1 source of the celebrity frowns.

Anyway, later on Kim tells they Great British Public that “they can all toss off”. Meaning that she called the viewers wankers. There’s some concern about how she’ll accomplish the task with her flyaway boobies, and some thoughtful celebs ask if she has a sports bra. Of course, they stop short of offering their own sports bras, but that’s because non of them have a bra that large and reinforced. Well, except Price and she hasn’t arrived yet.

Kim’s watery grave

Kim gets locked in a glass coffin and submerged underwater like a Snow White no-one really wants to save. Then they start to dump in the yabbies. And insects. Still, you’ve got to hand it to Kim, she bears being covered in insects with amazing good grace, even if she does sound like a second rate Carry On movie “oooh, something just bit my bum” and “somebody’s nipping my bosoms”. Ooooh, matron!

It suddenly strikes me that it would be so much funnier if they threw in a few flesh-eating minibeasts. Watch out for Kim Woodburn-inspired drinking games…every time she says “Luvvie”… She manages to retrieve all eleven stars for the task though.

We love to hate her…

Yep, next up celebrity troll beast Jordan re-enters the jungle, still calling herself “The Pricey” which makes us shudder every single time we hear it. Ever tabloid aware, she pretends that it’s a relief to be away from the papparazzi flashblubs. But we all know that this move is calculated to give her more exposure in the papers.

Lucy Benjamin tries to see the bright side of Katie Price rejoining the jungle group. Unfortunately she thinks they’ll be able to pick her brains. Justin refers to her as a “heatseeking missile in slingbacks”. We’re wondering whether this will be Price’s Jade Goody moment, where she destroys her career by taking a backward step…

There’s much discussion about Price in the camp, with many other celebs cringing and others claiming they’ll give her a fair crack of the whip. But really, given her ability to absorb tabloid front pages, how will these fading stars react to someone like Price stealing their limelight (and possibly getting paid 4 times their appearance fees)? Kim warns Stuart that he’s not sleeping with Jordan, while Gino proudly proclaims that he’s Team Andre. This much I love!

Katie’s entry (into the jungle)

A hefty cleavage pushes its way into the thick jungle undergrowth. But before la Jordan can join the camp, she’s given a task to put balls in a bag. A simple task for a seasoned pro, you might think, but she recoils in disgust at the water. Fortunately, she wins seven gifts to bring into camp with her. Unfortunately, there’s a catch – she’ll have to sacrifice the camp’s luxury items. What a great first impression.

Elsewhere, Colin and Justin burble about how much they’re enjoying the camp thus far. Unfortunately, a comedy-sized pair of boobs on a skinny shapeless pair of legs chooses that moment to wander into the camp. Instead of killing it and eating it, they welcome it into the camp. Classy guy Gino says he’d prefer to have Pamela Anderson. But he’s already got his favourite pop star Sam Fox, what more does he need?

The campers reluctantly hand over their luxury items, seeming a tiny bit miffed. However, reporting back, Price says she felt quite welcome. Yeah, until they booby-trap her bed, that is…(I hope they do, did I mention I’m Team Andre too?)

Closure

Katie Price seems to be on a mission to drop the word ‘closure’ into every conversation she has. Just in case you haven’t read about it, Price met her former husband, Peter Andre on this show six years ago. And although the relationship was played out in front of television cameras, and was gushed about in her bazillion biographies, it ended sadly amid rumours of infidelity and drunken sluttery. Needless to say, the divorce played out in front of the cameras as well which has not been as harmful for either of their careers as you might think.

Justin Ryan tellingly tells the camera that he might be reevaluating his preconceptions of Price. He didn’t like her before she went into the jungle, but that’s (apparently) changing. It almost feels scripted…

Thankfully, just to pretend that the entire episode isn’t about Katie Price and her closure, they show Camilla Dallerup having a minor meltdown about something.

Next Bushtucker Trial

Before we leave for the evening, the candidates for the next bushtucker trial are revealed. Justin might be in for it. And it might be “The Pricey”. Hilariously, Price says that she’s not eligible, because she had a day off (despite having just gone in!). But guess what? It’s Price for the next bushtucker trial!

See you tomorrow for more I’m A Celebrity liveblogging!

Ah jaysus is there no let-up this evening? Welcome to our live coverage of the I’m A Celebrity 2009 launch night!

Yes Anthony and Declan are BACK! The kangaroo balls are in the frying pan. My favourite gay interior designers are in a helicopter and that rancid attention-seeking freakbag is returning to the jungle. Yes, Miss Price, I’m talking about you.

OK, things kick off with the celebs meeting up on a yacht. First we see Sam Fox, then Colin and Justin. Then awful Kim from Kim and Aggie the famous scrubbers. She’s followed by Gino Unpronouncable, a TV chef I’ve never heard of. Then Lucy Benjamin (I quite fancy her, though she looks more grey than blonde tonight), then Stuart Manning off Hollyoaks and Mis Teeq singer Sabrina Washington. She’s pretty. Then 80’s snooker ace Jimmy White.

Some dancer, Camilla Dallerup, who’s defected from Strictly to the ITV. And then the biggest name of the night so far George Hamilton, who we’ve all heard of, but don’t know what he’s actually done in his career. Anyone? Here’s our full list of celebs for this year, plus bios for each one.

Ant and Dec join the celebs on the boat and gleefully tell them that camp life is going to be hell. I love Ant and Dec, they manage to laugh behind the celebrities backs and to their faces. Masterful.

Sam and Gino go swimming…

Sam Fox and Gino (I promise I’ll learn how to spell his name) are tasked with swimming to dry land. Ah well, at least we’ll get a wet dress shot of Sam Fox. Shame it’s not 20 years ago… When they reach land, they realise they’re spending the night on an island.

The remaining contestants talk about their expectations of the series before getting into a few helicopters. I like the A Team style stripe down the black helicopter. They fly past Sam and Gino stranded on their island and into the wilderness.

…while the others go skydiving

They’re met at an airfield by Bald Dave, who’s going to drop them in the jungle. Classy lady Sabrina threatens to “pee on someone on the way down”, while Lucy Benjamin talks bowel movements. Well, we’ve started out disgusting, why not continue?

Brilliant! You can literally see the terror in the celebrity faces. First celebrity, the dark-haired one out of Colin and Justin gets pitched out of the plane with a man on his back. Well, at least one part of the experience will be new to him Yes, he says at the bottom he felt like he just had “the best sex ever”.

And the rest go horseriding

(And no, that’s not another uncomplimentary reference to Katie Price) Can’t help thinking that the horseriding squad got off lightly. Well, until the water starts getting deep and the horses look like they’re swimming. If we’re lucky, they’ll take the horses to camp and Gino will have to cook them!

Stuart Manning falls off his horse, so does Jimmy White. They all end up wading up the river.

Anyway, back to the skydiving crowd, and Lucy Benjamin gets pitched out of a plane with a man on her back. Yes, I totally reused my joke from before Cue much self-congratulating among the parachute posse. Fair enough, I suppose.

An aside…

You know one problem I find? I don’t actually hate any of the celebrities enough to give them a bushtucker trial. Well, until Price appears in the jungle. Then we can have some fun!

Sam Fox fails to entertain with a rendition of her ‘hit single’ Touch Me. Gino loses credibility by pretending to know the song in the first place, then by suggesting it’s his favourite Sam Fox song!!! Idiot.

Sam and Gino are given a task to retrieve stars from the wreckage of a ship. Sam goes first and says “I think I just felt a crab”. We resist the urge to say “Bet it wasn’t the first time she’s ever said that!” Ant tells Sam that she has to smuggle something in her mouth (awesome chat-up line right there!), and she has to keep it there for 30 seconds. The purile jokes keep rolling as Sam tells them she’s “only got a little mouth”. Perhaps the most unintentionally funny TV moment I’ve seen in ages!

Now it’s time for Gino to repeat Sam’s trick. Seasoned veteran that she is, she tells him to think of his wife and kids. He manages the feat, but Ant and Dec raise the game by making Sam pick up a star from a tank of Yabbies with her mouth. Anyone else think Sam looks like a missing Mitchell sister from EastEnders? Next they make her fish around in some tanks for a star, but she runs out of time.

Gino has to put on a helmet which is filled with spiders. Sam tells the little Italian man to “think of England”. Fair play to Gino, he’s clearly got arachnophobia, but he toughs out the 90 seconds, but he looks traumatised. Sam, despite all the bad press she’s had over the years, is actually very encouraging and sweet to him.

Geriatric corner

Now, we switch over to Kim and George. Kim warns George to keep his hands to himself. Yes, I can see how he’ll be struggling with his sexual urges around Kim. They have a terribly dull discussion about how to start a fire, until the rest of the contestants arrive. Colin and Justin have a heartwarming reunion.

Kim Woodburn looks like she might be quite a forceful personality and an enormous pain in the ass. There’s always a matriarch in the camp each year, and Kim’s clearly playing that role. She scares us a little bit though.

Finally though, everybody is together. Not to be the curmudgeonly old git, but it felt like the contestants were made to do a ton of different things (skydiving, beach tasks, horseriding, etc) and then bussed to the camp. Not terribly convinced by that part.

Caravans and bedding

George and Kim end up sharing the caravan that’s been put in the camp. Surprised though, did nobody suggest that it might have been a stipulation of Hamilton’s to have a seperate space to sleep in. I’m not sure I approve of the caravan though, because it seems like a bit of a cop-out. Gino promises to save George if he hears Kim jumping on him. In fairness, if that happens, the caravan is likely to shake down and slide into camp.

Kim lectures Colin and Justin about how her whole career is built upon shovelling shit. Otherwise though, the camp seems to be a place of harmony and contentment. Ant & Dec are hinting like cray about someone else entering the camp. We’re praying to a whole host of gods that Katie Price won’t be the person going in. Peh, why fight it?

Anyhoo, Ant & Dec go into the camp to address the celebs. This is the first bushtucker trial. It ends up being between Kim and Justin, but Kim wins it. I knew it wasn’t just me she annoyed! And oh bollocks, Price really is going into the jungle. Damnit! I can’t say how much I hate hate hate that she’s going back in. Didn’t we vote her out a few years ago?

Well folks, first impressions?

Everybody ready for what promises to be a controversial results show? Cheryl and Dannii are rocking the outlandish frocks, Louis and Simon aren’t. Dermot’s giving us the run-down of tonight’s episode, and the ensemble performance is about to begin…

They’re doing Bohemian Rhapsody tonight. Ambitious! Because Rhapsody is such a long song, they’ve picked out highlights from it, which sounds a little bit like fast-forwarding through the song somewhat. It only gets really good when Brian May and Roger Taylor make their appearance. What? The guitar solo continues while Brian May’s hand is in the air. Seems the contestants aren’t the only ones miming tonight!

Still, nice to see the old dogs rocking the stage. Even if they couldn’t remember Stacey’s name…

Recap time!

Yeah, we get the usual mix of last night’s footage and backstage commentary. Makes me stand by my comments about the contestants – Olly was cheesy while Lloyd was unconvincing. Jedward were utterly surreal. Danyl seems to have turned public opinion around after his performance too.

I love the fact that they totally whitewashed the Calvin Harris thing, calling him “some idiot looking for publicity”. Why not just have a laugh about it?

Shakira, baby!

So good they named her twice, here’s Shakira Shakira with her new single Did It Again. And as always, she looks delectable in a naval baring outfit doing her rather bizarre dance moves. The jury’s still out on the actual song – it’s definitely not as catchy as first single She Wolf. Things get a little bit odder when she starts drumming with those Oriental chicks in the background, but I guess that’s par for the course with this lady

She tells the contestants to put in “hard work and intelligent effort” and to “not be afraid of Simon”. We wonder if guests are contractually obliged to namedrop Mr Cowell during their interviews…

And this year’s charity single is…

You Are Not Alone by the lately departed Michael Jackson, experiencing a career high at the moment. Did you hear Michael McIntyre’s Jacko joke on Jonathan Ross this week? He was saying that it was a shame Jackson died before the swine flu epidemic reall took off, because his facemask look really came into fashion after he died… Hey, blame McIntyre, not me…

The X Factor finalists are performing this in aid of Great Ormond Street hospital. McElderry’s first up to the mic, followed by Murs. Here’s Lucie. Damn, she looks good. Johnson is next, then Adedeji and Lloyd Daniels. Rachel’s got the hair piled high and a very severe shave down the sides – cool! Jedward were missable, as were Miss Frank. Archer and Solomon take center stage for their bit, then Kandy Rain get their moment in the spotlight. Looking good, ladies

The audience mess the whole thing up with their out of time glowstick waving. Then comes the glitter rain! I love the glitter! Oh, did I mention that the song itself is rather tepid? But who cares, it’s for charidee folks…

Elimination time!

Don’t know about you, but the last few weeks of eliminations have been so shocking, I’m automatically clenching my teeth! I have literally no idea who is going to be bottom two this weekend!

Here we go: Joe McElderry is the first act returning, followed by Danyl Johnson and Stacey Solomon (that’s the BIG THREE, viewers). Olly Murs is fourth. Will Jedward escape the bottom two? YES! Unbelievable! That leaves Jamie Archer and Lloyd Daniels in the bottom two, singing for their supper survival. As Holly Willoughby said on Xtra Factor last night, people love Jedward on Saturday night, but hate them on Sunday when another legitimate act gets booted off!

The Sing-off

Jamie’s up first with Queen’s The Show Must Go On. I’m rooting for Jamie tonight – this is a great version – why didn’t he do this last night? I’m not sure Jamie can win the competition tonight, but he’s better than Lloyd, and that’s all that matters.

Wee Lloyd is next. Don’t give us the puppy dog eyes, Daniels!!! He’s clearly suffering with the nerves, and singing Paolo Nuttini’s Last Request. Sorry, but this guy needs to go home tonight. He’s just not good enough for X Factor. Sorry, but I speak the truth folks…

Simon opts to save Jamie, Cheryl naturally saves Lloyd. Louis grinds his axe against Jamie and saves Lloyd. No-one can hear Dannii Minogue’s comments. Dannii is making this very much about the singing, especially after last week, and opts to send Lloyd home. This defaults us to deadlock yet again. Tonight’s eliminee (if that’s a word) is…

Jamie Archer

Awww, dude. We’re devastated about this. Of course, we’re blaming Louis Walsh for copping out. Damn you, Walsh.I wonder if this’ll introduce tension between Louis and Simon, since Jamie is Simon’s act. Cowell admits that he may have let Jamie down with his song choices, but says he has a great future ahead of him.

In other news…Mariah Carey and Susan Boyle are performing on next week’s elimination show.

Highlights of last night? Lucie Jones overtaking Stacey Solomon as best female, and Jedward’s Ghostbusters malarky. Other than that, a fairly nondescript evening of nondescript songs.

Tonight is going to provide true star quality though, as Leona Lewis (hot new video just out!) and the Black Eyed Peas (hot new video just out!) are due to entertain us. Expect Leona to be wearing a big frock, and Fergie to be wearing exactly the opposite!

Here we go, blogging live for your pleasure…

The ensemble number tonight is Katy Perry’s Hot N Cold sung in the style of the end song in your school play. These things are cheesy, but such good fun! And I can’t believe Jamie Afro managed to say ‘bitch’ on Sunday night TV! Luverly!

Next up – the obligatory montage of last night’s show, with extra backstage footage. I think everybody loved seeing Cheryl and Louis bitching at each other in the corridor! But here comes the hotness…

Black Eyed Peas

Possibly my favourite pop act of the last 5 years, Black Eyed Peas tick just about every box for me – sexy, musically inventive, sexy, fun, sexy and funky. Fergie gets lowered onto the stage on a giant moon, and they launch into Meet Me Halfway. Did I mention I love Fergie? She looks kind of demure in that full length dress (does that mean that Leona will be performing in bra and hotpants? Fingers crossed ) Will.I.Am flies past on wires, a move I’d been hoping to see from Bon Jovi last week!

Third single from their The E.N.D album, and showing no signs of becoming boring or stale. BEP rock! In the absence of a mentoring session, that performance should have taught our erstwhile wannabes a thing or two.

Fergie exclusively reveals that she had a wardrobe malfunction and had to borrow Cheryl Cole’s shoes. Foot fetishists across the country break into goofy grins!

Predictions

The female judges refuse to say who they think will be in the bottom two tonight. But Louis and Simon have no such honour – they both point the finger at Lloyd Daniels. So, we’re in agreement then. Now…

The goregeous Leona Lewis

Yes, she’s wearing the obligatory elaborate frock. Technically she’s wearing two elaborate frocks – one on stage and another in the dreamy video footage behind her. I’m not a fan of this Ryan Tedder number, but she looks gorgeous in the video – go and check it out. But on stage here, she’s brought the effortless vocals we’ve come to expect. Eye makeup begs some comment – she looks a little crazed.

For me, this is a fitting reminder of how good X Factor can be. I’m just not seeing anyone as good as Leona this year. She’s got a new album coming out at the moment (Echoes). I’ve heard a little bit of it, and it’s every bit as good as her debut.  Go Leona!

Elimination Time!

Rar! The contestants and judges take to the stage for elimination. Joe is the first act returning next week. Olly is next. The third act returning is Stacey Solomon. Then @!!#@??? Lloyd is back again! Damnit! Danyl is safe for another week as well. Who’s the final safe act? Jamie Archer!

So unfair! Lucie Jones is in the sing-off, despite being universally praised for her performance last night. She’s up against John and Edward, which might actually force Simon and Louis to be real about the Irish Horrors. This is going to be uncomfortable, and both acts first time in the bottom two.

The Sing-off

Lucie is up first, and Dannii gives a touching endorsement of her artist, thanking everybody who’s supported her so far. Lucie gets a reassuring round of applause from the audience as she starts singing (One Moment In Time). I’m noticing she’s barefoot on the stage. Though she starts out a little weak, she regains beautifully and hits the big notes like a pro. She’s really starting to come into her own, it would be so unfair to vote her off tonight!

Next up, the Jedward, announced to some ugly booing from the X Factor audience. Damn. They’re singing Rock DJ in their Ghostbusters costumes! Louis is grinning like a fool at his uncoordinated, tuneless duo. Cheryl’s laughing – not sure if it’s at the twins’ antics on stage or that Louis might lose them!

Now…decisions, decisions. Let me remind the judges that this (apparently) is a singing competition…

Louis (should do the brave thing and vote to eliminate the twins) votes to eliminate Lucie. Dannii naturally chooses to eliminate the twins. Cheryl gives the boot to Jedward. Simon. Will he man up and boot out Jedward? Simon opts to be a complete arse about Lucie, saying he’d rather see the twins again. Then he wusses out and sends it to the public vote. Really, Simon, that was spineless and low. Lucie is in tears.

Lucie is eliminated

The atmosphere is really ugly in the studio as the crowd roundly boo either Spineless Simon or John and Edward, we’re not sure which. Dannii makes a very pointed comment about wishing all the good singers luck in this competition.

What gets me is that Simon could’ve avoided this. He went on Xtra Factor last night and denied that he’d set up the whole John and Edward thing. Then he shafts Lucie by sending the vote to deadlock? He could’ve saved her. There’s no point in having the judges having a vote at the end and not using it.

We’re watching Xtra Factor now, and even Jedward seem upset that Lucie got eliminated. Holly Willoughby asks Dermot if it’s a cop-out going to deadlock, and the audience interrupt to answer “yes”. Someone makes the key point: do the judges even know what the show’s about anymore? Simon gets some very harsh words from the callers on the Xtra Factor panel. But he seems completely fine with the fact that the public failed to vote for Lucie and put her in that position in the first place.

Simon had two potential problems though: if he’d taken out Jedward, Louis would have no acts left, and if Lucie had progressed to the later stages, she might have been competition for one of Simon’s acts. My feeling is that he made a tactical decision, but he’s the person we expect to be straight with the public and the contestants. He should’ve used his vote to save Lucie, but just didn’t.

John and Edward should walk

This is my personal opinion, but I think that John and Edward should quit X Factor now. Whatever their own ambitions, they are not singers, and they’re skewing this contest for the talented people.

I accept that the judges placed them in the final 12, but they’re weakening the position of the real talent. Also, they’re being exploited themselves. With the exception of the mentally deranged Jedward fans, nobody normal can see a musical career for the twins. Seriously, they’ve had the exposure they need for a career as a comedy duo, they should do the dignified thing and walk away.

That’s all I have to say tonight.

Howdy, Unreality TV readers! We’re planning a night of X Factor fun and games to celebrate movie week!

Here on the blog, I’ll be liveblogging the whole show, giving you the low-down on what’s been happening, what the judges said, and most importantly what I think of each act!!! You’re invited to leave your insightful and very funny comments, as always.

But there’s more!

• Chat about each contestant’s performance tonight on the Unreality TV X Factor forum.
• If you fancy blogging tonight’s show yourself, sign up for a free account at Unreality Shout and join our X Factor blogging group.
• And don’t forget, send us your opinions via Twitter (@unrealitytv) we sometimes publish the best comments in our liveblog post!

We’ll be back here, live, at 8:00pm. Join me for gossip and chat right here – or go read St. Gordon’s posts over on Unreality Shout, beaming at you live from London!

Let’s get in started! Movie week, yeah!

Louis seems giddy as hell in the introductory VT. I hate it when he has something to smile about, it bodes badly! Dannii and Cheryl are feeling very maternal toward their acts as usual, but will Movie Week hit the spot? We hope so!

The judges walk out amid a hail of sparks and the ever-brilliant Star Wars theme tune. I’d love to hear somebody try to sing that one! But as always, there’s no messing about and Dannii introduces her first act…

Stacey Solomon

Stacey is blethering like a mad thing, as always. We see a bit of footage of her at the Jim Carrey premiere, but the focus is on her sexy song (Son Of A Preacher Man? Yep.) and her hopefully sexy dance moves.

Oh, Stacey looks hot in a figure-hugging all-black ensemble. And she’s moving this week, but not just walking, she’s got a real groove to her performance tonight! Nice ass, if you don’t mind me saying. She’s got a slightly lisp when she sings. I mention it because it’s slightly irksome during the dramatic bit toward the end, but otherwise a great vocal.

Louis: I love your new sexy look. You’ve definitely got the personality for this competition. Cheryl: It’s lovely to see you looking so young and sexy and cool. That was your most confident performance so far. Simon: I would call that a typical talent show competition. It’s like when you eat Chinese food, you still feel hungry afterward. I just don’t think that was a particularly good performance, and that was a lazy song choice. Dannii: That just goes to show how out of touch Simon Cowell is. You’re flirty, you’re fun, you’re young. It’s everything the song should be. You’ve got the authentic tone of Dusty Springfield.

Olly Murs

Olly gets to sing Twist And Shout inspired by Ferris Bueller. It’ll be a great, uptempo tune for Olly, and I reckon it’ll suit him pretty well.

Oh, it’s an unexpectedly elaborate stage routine. Olly descends the staircase to meet a troupe of shapely backing dancers and…oh yes, he really gets into the routine! That was unexpected. Vocally, it’s not an earth-shattering performance, because most of the energy is going into the dancing. A tad cheesy, more Jedward than Shayne Ward.

Louis: I loved your performance last week. I wasn’t crazy about the silly dancing, but I think Simon picked a silly song for a great singer. Dannii: There’s something that looks like you didn’t believe in the song, and why did it go into the Thriller routine. Cheryl: If you hadn’t seen that movie, the dance might seem random. That went down a storm. You are singing a lot of retro songs, I’d like to see you singing something contemporary. Simon: [gets totally drowned out by the audience] All of you are being quite mean tonight – he put on a great show!

Lloyd Daniels

Ah petal, poor Lloyd took a knock last week, having to sing with a sore throat. Losing his voice might have been an improvement. Lloyd gets to pretend that he’s seen the old movie Stand By Me. Despite the movie being set decades ago, Cheryl claims they’ve made it contemporary. What are the bets that they blend it into Sean Kingston’s Beautiful Girls?

Oh Lloyd, you’re so pretty, but oh so boring. And predictable. I knew they’d do the Kingston thing. I have no useful comment to make other than a paragraph of yawns. Yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn. Tepid.

Louis: The good news is it was better than last week. At this stage of the competition, you’re out of your depth. There are four better guy singers. Dannii: Vocally that was well-chosen for you. It was a nice performance. Simon: Nice like having tea with your mum. The point is, I think right now, you’re out of your depth. You’re competing against some big singers and it kinda feels like you’re giving up at the minute. Cheryl: That’s completely unfair. He’s down on his confidence, but I thought it was your vocally your most comfortable performance so far.

Jamie Archer

If rumours are to be believed, Jamie and mentor Simon are still sparking off each other. It seems like a tempestuous relationship. We see Simon changing Jamie’s song, from Unchained Melody to Crying from a little-known movie called Gumbo(?)

It’s a far more stripped down song, and a sensitive vocal from Jamie, which he seems to excel at. He knows just when to push the performance and when to drop back, I’ll give him that. Good vocal, but the end was somewhat inexplicable.

Louis: I’m so glad you dropped all the silly rock stuff. That was a great song and a very emotional performance. Dannii: Y’know what? It was an emotional performance and it was heartfelt. That’s what we want to see. Cheryl: I think Simon did you well changing the song. I think that song suited you beautifully and you sang it from the heart. Simon: I have to say, this is all about you. You chose that song, this performance was all about you. It was your best performance by a mile.

Lucie Jones

I’m getting bad vibes from my tribe of followers on Twitter. The most repeated word tonight is ‘boring’. I mention that because I really really hope that Lucie can pull this off. The awesome Yvie Burnett advises Lucie to come out and show her true colours. And?

The song is from Camp Rock, a movie I’m not familiar with. A bit wobbly on the vocals. Yo, dawg, that was a bit pitchy. At the same time, Lucie beats Stacey for animated performances. Not quite as good a voice, but she’s young fresh and fun. If they keep giving her the right songs.

Louis: Fantastic song choice. Not an obvious song, but very cool. You remind me of American girls like Taylor Swift. You’ve got star quality. Cheryl: It could have been your song. You just need to loosen up now and enjoy it a bit more! Simon: This is the first time, for me, you have made yourself relevant as a pop artist. Now the song and you are working. It’s not a well known song, but it’s a good song. Dannii: I’m not the only person who loves Lucie! Beautiful performance.

Danyl Johnson

The most controversial contestant this year. More even than the dreaded Jedward. I think he’s definitely the best performer of the series this year, but the hype around him has got everybody riled. They say he’s got a new look, but it’s actually Shayne Ward’s look. Hey Danyl, 2006 called, they want their haircut back.

His song tonight is Purple Rain, the Ruth Lorenzo, sorry, Prince, classic. No, sorry, it isn’t working Danyl. Prince did this with flair and style. This is a bland, tepid version utterly devoid of soul. Yes, it’s note perfect, but passionless. Bring back Ruth Lorenzo!

Louis: Very few people can pick a great song and do it justice. I loved the falsetto. Danyl, you deserve to be in the competition. Dannii: Love the new look. It was a really really good performance. I loved the falsetto, but I don’t love it when you scream. It doesn’t do you justice. Cheryl: I like your demeanour tonight Danyl. It’s kinda like you lost that cocky attitude you began with, but you’re not that broken man we saw last week. Simon: That was an outstanding vocal. I really mean this. I think this show has found a great great singer, who was almost broken, who now has his confidence back up.

John and Edward (aka Jedward)

I’m not in the mood for these morons tonight. Seriously. After some quite dull performances from the contestants, I’m not interested in the comic relief. But at least Louis Walsh is practising what he preaches and giving them a strictly movie song.

I’m fighting to hate it to be honest. The song itself begs to be loved, and in contrast with the other acts, at least this is a bit dumb. Even Simon is smiling. Total rubbish, but more fun than anything else this evening.

Dannii: I’ve got no idea of anything constructive to say. You either talk or you rap, so I’m wondering what you’ll release if you get a deal. Cheryl: You bring fun to this show. Whether people like you or not, it’s fun to watch. Kids from 3 to 10 absolutely adore you. Simon: I think we’ve established that you can’t sing. But, this was actually a good song for you because based on some of the horrors we’ve seen before, this was…sort of good. It was more entertaining than some of the more karaoke stuff I’ve seen before.

Joe McElderry

Now that Rachel’s gone, Joe is one of my favourites to win the show. Just a down to earth, sweet, unassuming guy and a good performer and vocalist too. He’ll be singing Circle Of Life tonight. The only thing I worry about with Joe is the tiny Gareth Gates vibe I get from him.

I’m seeing a little of that tonight. The vocal was a little dissatisfying for me at the start, but improves as the song goes on. Still, not much performance from Joe tonight.

Louis: You tick all the boxes. I do think you’re more musical theatre than pop star. I think the song was predictable and safe. Dannii: Coming from the mentor of John and Edward, you’re looking for a pop star? You are the best male vocalist in the competition hands down. You’re the most likable. Your voice is strong, but I didn’t like the production on this song, I didn’t really get it. Simon: I thought it was a perfect song for you. I liked the production, but what I didn’t like is the fact that you’ve gotta stop this stage-school swaying. You’ve got to take the mic, believe in yourself. I think you’re commercial, I think you know who you are, and you should enjoy this moment. Cheryl: I’m just so proud to watch you up there singing.

A little bit of a hissy fit from Louis as Dermot challenges him on stage “I’M A JUDGE DERMOT, YOU’RE ONLY A PRESENTER!!!” Ouch, get back on your box Dermot? No, Louis has made a joke of this show this year. What an ugly little display from Walsh.