So, everybody, what’d you make of Britney Spears’ performance on X Factor? I reckon she was outclassed by Miley Cyrus to be honest.

Don’t get me wrong, she looked hella sexy. But it was like watching a performance with the fast forward button turned on. She buzzed about the stage with her posse of clowns like she was trying to do a 3 minute tour of the studio and then get the hell out of there again.

I was trying to draw a few comparisons to her VMAs appearance last year. It wasn’t confidence this year, but the dance routine was pants, other than her skittering around the stage at lightning speed. I’m sure the cleaning crew are regretting not strapping a couple of cloths to her feet to polish the stage.

The best bit was when Dermot tried to interview her onstage:

Dermott: You’ve been watching from the sidelines tonight. Do you have a message for our contestants?

Britney [though gleaming teeth]: Yeah. Keep on doing it.

She never looked more like a fembot than she did in that moment. Preprogrammed response, not particularly relevant to the question. She might as well have said “Dermot, I honestly don’t give a toss.”

But didn’t she look good everybody? Despite the slightly frantic performance, I hope she’s as healed on the inside as she is on the outside.

Update: James Corden on Xtra Factor reminded me that Britney was miming – ooops I forgot to mention that. But he also said that “she came on here and gave a half-arsed performance, then drove off for a midnight appearance at Heaven.” Brilliant. Couldn’t have said it better myself.