Tonight’s the third night of audition footage, and I’m tired.

If the ‘talent’ is as dubious as it was last week, I’m not looking forward to a mixture of idiots in jumpers singing badly and humdrum singers being conspicuously overpraised by the judges.

Although, I should admit that the slightly candid intro shots of Simon and the rest of the judges is quite funny – Cowell is stroking a Chihuahua, which is hilarious. I always had him down as a cat person…

First Mancunian auditionee is Alan Busby. Are we starting with the weird auditions first? He reckons he’s better than all the other competition, then jumps right into the most hideous version of When The Going Gets Tough. This isn’t even funny, it’s wrong on every level. An unamused Simon Cowell raises a hand to stop him. They reject him, with Dannii telling him he looked like he was being electrocuted.

I don’t know how O’Leary can interview some of these people with a straight face…

An array of freakos passes by, and it’s more like they’re auditioning for the ensemble of losers who get to perform in the last show. Well, it’s one way to get to the finals of X Factor, I suppose.

OK, so off to Wales and a weird-but-fun looking bunch calling themselves 2 Gorgeous 4 Words comes on. Let’s Hear It For The Boys is the song, but sadly it’s a lackluster effort. Is Cardiff going to be another parade of oddballs?

Next up is Ashanti Webbe – who Simon is lukewarm about. She gets four votes, despite a tame performance. Is she going to be a dark horse at boot camp? Watch this space, readers.

Daniel Williams is on next singing Let It Be by The Beatles. Simon and Louis chew the fat on where they would market him, considering him as a ‘middle of the road Michael Ball’, which would make anybody want to abandon their music career. Unintentionally the cruelest put-down I’ve ever heard on X Factor!

Right readers, prick up your ears for Lucy Jones. Lisa tells me she’s a serious contender. A pretty brunette from a rural village, she’s clearly hungry for a shot at fame. Will she get it? She decides to leap off the deep end with a Whitney Houston classic. The voice is great, crystal clear with a few wobbly notes, but the audience are on their feet by the end.  Cheryl “loved the vulnerability in [her] voice”, Louis claims she “ticks all the boxes”. Simon praises her for not trying to impersonate Whitney on it. Yes, she’s through to boot camp.

After a few comedy auditions (I use the word ‘comedy’ loosely). perfect-haired Lloyd Daniels comes to the stage singing Jason Mraz, but kind of ballses it up. Dannii begs for him to get another chance, and he shines singing a different song. It’s a far better performance, good strong vocal and no-one’s prouder than Lloyd’s dad, who whoops it up backstage. Frontstage, the judges are crowing about his girl-friendly appearance and singing voice. Lloyd unanimously gets sent through to boot camp.

Funniest concept act of the night has to be “Combined Effort”, who are auditioning despite having recently split up as a couple. The guy looks like “give ‘em a song, Ella” from a few years ago. They do that crappy old Starship song, sung badly, but rehearsed in such a way that it looks like he’s breaking down in the first verse, but she ‘encourages’ him on with the chorus. Pure cheese. The show suddenly morphs into Blind Date 2009 with every judge dropping relationship advice on the 19 year olds. Brilliant!

A singer called Jade Fubara comes on next – no backing track needed for this big voice. Jade’s a mere 17 years old, but gets an amazing reaction from the audience. Cheryl describes her as “raw, amazing talent”, Louis tells her she “makes it all so worthwhile, what the X Factor is all about”. She gets a resounding seal of approval from the judging panel, with Simon Cowell predicting big things for her. Nice one!

The appearance by Fouad (that was not Vision Of Love by Mariah Carey) was remarkable only for the synchronized tea drinking by Cheryl and Simon. Actually, given the fact that he already had two backing tracks queued up, it also proves that the producers put these acts on for comic relief, which makes the audition process and the ‘reality factor’ look like a bit of a joke. Likewise with “Combined Effort” earlier in the show – a cleverly rehearsed routine to be sure, but it looked so planned.

Still, if we switch off the cynicism for a minute, it was actually quite an entertaining episode of X Factor, with a few serious contenders for the live shows in between far too many awful acts.