Well here we are, liveblogging yet another X Factor auditions show. One thing’s for damned sure, it could not be worse than last week’s talent black hole. And since we’re moving toward the boot camp and judge’s houses part of the series, there have to be at least a couple of good singers, right? Right? [blog silence...tumbleweed]

Back in Londinuim for auditions again, and the first act to perform is average-looking security guard Richard. After what sounds more like a sound problem than the intro to a song, he bursts into an embarrassing version of Word Up. A good voice for radio jingles, possibly, but not for the pop charts, matey. Simon thinks he is the type of person who should be listening to music instead of making it. And Richard actually looks devastated and surprised when the string of “No” votes come.

Suddenly, the unexpected side-effect of Susan Boyle becomes clear: we have to take all the freaky acts seriously, just in case they turn out to be surprisingly good. This is evidenced by the inevitable line of oddballs and codgers who queue up to assault our earballs. Pink shirted Maurice was attrocious. Dayglo-wearing croaker Chelsea was also horrendously bad.

And then – ladies rejoice – Jeremy Edwards look-a-bit-a-like, Ethan Boroian appears on stage. He’s from the US of A and sings their new national anthem, Use Somebody by Kings Of Leon. And to quote Paramore, “Hallelujah” – a tuneful singer within the first 15 minute. Unheard of for this series. Dannii is drooling in a way that reminds us a little of Sharon Osbourne. Simon thinks Ethan likes music, which is always a good sign in a singer. And he’s through to the Hollywood…er Boot Camp round.

And after the break, the X Factor fun factory takes a trip to Brumland. And Cheryl’s brought little Ashley along with her. Simon gives her a cake with a (non-tetanus requiring) dog made out of icing. But the way to a stick-thin popstar’s heart might not be through her stomach, Simon.

Next up? Prison-teacher stroke poodle, Faye, comes on stage. Cowell definitely has a shot with this one. She wants to be a world-wide diva. Simon likes to create world-wide divas. It’s a match made in A&R heaven! The beauty of it is that she’s a frickin’ brilliant singer. Cue comparisons by Louis to Dusty Springfield. Simon thinks she’s interesting but doesn’t sound like a recording artist. She strides off the stage in her fetishtastic costume happy because she’s going to boot camp.

We’re then treated to a blurry montage of good acts that get processed as quickly as if this was the drive-thru version of X Factor auditions. Some good singers among their number – but did we really need that footage of the girl fake-phoning all her friends for the cameras?

Commercial break – oooh, Katie Price reveals all! I’d prefer her to wear a turtle-neck sweater until she’s 80, thanks very much. My eyes can’t handle her comedy boobage any more. Or her incredibly tabloid-friendly lifestyle. Yuck yuck yuck. End of commercial.

Short video tribute to Simon’s t-shirt collection, which is more interesting than the next act: Natricia Thompson. Has all the looks of a mentalist, but because of the aforementioned Susan Boyle rule, we have to give her a fair listen. Oh bollocks, you can judge a book by its cover, can’t you? Boyle was just the exception to the rule. Simon disses her Whitney-murdering screeching and kicks her off the stage promptly.

Freak gallery: some dude who looks like Lord Voldemort’s stunt double totally botches Vogue. Cheryl encourages wannabe Simone to take his top off so the audience can ogle while he destroys Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

Dermott wakes us up again with a story about an old lady’s dream. Gawd love her, that sunburn looked bad, didn’t it readers? She comes out, bingo-wings a-waving and before long, she’s declaring her lust for Simon – she wants him for her “joy-boy”. Kill me now. It’s hard not to like the woman though, but it’s harder to vote her through to boot camp. So they all say no. Bad judges! But Simon calls her back for an audition again tomorrow..while we all scratch our heads.

Kandy Rain looks awesome – finally something for the men to ogle, but they raise a laugh in our house when they say they did the provocative routine for Simon…and Louis. Whaddaya mean Louis?

Stacey McClean impresses us as well, then we get former auditionee Dominic Harris. He’s back for a second bite at the X Factor cherry, singing ‘alleged’ woman beater Chris Brown’s song, With You. Louis makes a ‘hmmm, good’ face, but I’m personally not feeling this performance. Chris Brown’s phrasing makes that song good, and Dominic’s rendition is slightly bland. Simon notes this, while Cheryl says the swagger’s not quite there yet. Nonetheless, he gets full votes from all the judges. Anyone else notice how everytime Simon says “Four yeses” he winks as well?

Nicole Lawrence gives a sound version of Little Piece Of My Heart, but gets stopped abruptly and told to forget about singing in “crummy clubs”. Instead, she performs an Alicia Keys song as a backup. We’re not sure what it is, but Nicole gives it a smoky, soulful vocal. And the audience reward her with a standing ovation. Simon rejects her in a very strange way, as if he knows the other will vote her through. And guess what? Louis, Dannii and Cheryl vote her through. SHOCKER!

Katie and Russell are the next auditionees to come along, performing as the badly spelled It Takez 2. Brilliantly, they met at Pontins, which is where they’ll end up after X Factor anyway. Katie is actually a brilliant singer – she gets some really surprised looks from the judges. Dannii notes this in the comments. Simon threatens to vote against them, but seems to change his mind at the last moment, making Dannii the only judge to vote against them, the Grinch! A cute end to the show, but slightly felt sorry for Russell!

All in all though, a better audition night than last week, with a few good possible contestants among them. Only one more night of auditions to endure (tomorrow, to save you checking the TV guide) and then we move to boot camp, getting to know the contestants a bit better and shortlisting closer to the final 12 contestants!