Whoa, here we go again, and unlike last week, we’re liveblogging the whole event right from the start, and our chums on the forum are wielding their mighty hammer of justice already.

Are you ready? Let’s go!

Alexandra Burke

My personal favourite, Alexandra is first to the stage this week, and she’s had throat problems. Suddenly we remember it’s Michael Jackson week, and Alex gets to rip into I’ll Be There’. I know the skirt last week was short, but she’s gone in totally the opposite direction with a long purple affair.

To be honest, this isn’t my favourite Jackson song, but she puts in a solid performance anyway.

Louis: A fantastic opening to the show – you are world class. I can’t believe someone with your talent is so humble. Dannii: It was a faultless performance. Simon: It’s all a little bit copycat – you’ve got to make you original. Cheryl: It’s a big song to sing. With that performance, you’re staying in.

Scott Bruton

The video before has Louis talking about Scott sacking Simon. What? Surely if he sacks Simon, he’s out of the competition? Anyway, Herr Cowell professes that he’s going to get it right this week. And he’d better.

And the song is She’s Out Of My Life. Damn the guys can take risks with weak songs thanks to the tweenie voters. If you ask me, he’s been shafted on song choice tonight again, it’s such a deadly dull number. Yawn…where’s my pillow?

Louis: You came back fighting, that puts you back in the race. Dannii: That was a winning performance, brilliant. Cheryl: You definitely redeemed yourself, which is something that song needed. Simon: That took a lot of guts…you didn’t try to oversing it…bloody good, well done.

Ruth Lorenzo

We immediately get the assurance that Ruth won’t sing in Spanish this week. And the tune is I Just Can’t Stop Loving You, one of Jacko’s better songs.

This is infinitely better than last week – Ruth looks as good in an off-the-shoulder t-shirt as she did in a dress. The voice is good – not the best in the competition, but don’t underestimate Ruth – she’s hot!

Louis: It was passionate and dramatic…I loved it. Cheryl: You’re a natural performer…you pulled it off. Simon: By keeping the Spanish thing it makes you different…now you’re blending in with the pack. Dannii: You did a fantastic performance.

GirlBand

Tales of doom and gloom from the other judges as they predict yet another Louis Walsh train wreck. Are we being set up for a fall?

So, GirlBand draw Heal The World, yet another ballad! Does anyone at ITV know of MJ’s more up-tempo songs? The singing is lacklustre, Simon looks smug – always a good sign!

Dannii: You’re great, but there’s something not connecting for me, I don’t know if it’s the best song for you guys. Cheryl: I know from experience – when you’ve been in the bottom. Simon: It was so gimmicky, I wouldn’t have been surprised if polar bears had come out. Louis, you’re playing on sympathy. Louis: They’ve come out fighting this week.

Laura White

Laura gets the uproariously downbeat You Are Not Alone, and is bravely singing it in the style of someone who’s just come out of the dentists. Way to schlurr your words…

She recovers well in the second half of the song, but even with the sparks flying from the roof and the tremendous bit of warbling at the end, the song is ruined.

Louis: It was a bit of a shaky start, but a very good performance. You are an amazing singer. Dannii: I think you’ve got the potential to be absolutely brilliant. Simon: The fact that you managed to make that song good is a miracle. Was it as good as last week? No. Are you one of the best singers? Yes. Cheryl: It’s a hard week, totally outside your comfort zone, but the second half was absolutely incredible.

Austin Drage

Probably the favourite male act, we’re getting signals that Austin’s got a lot of talent to share. Oh my good lord – they claimed that Austin was doing an original interpretation of an MJ classic –LIARS! LIARS! Chris Cornell (from Soundgarden) was the first person to do this storming slowed down version a few years ago.

Compare Austin with this…

Still, it was a fantastic performance from the fella, he’s ahead of his arch-rival in this competition – Scott Bruton.

Louis calls him out because David Cook did the same performance. Dannii: Fantastic performance, but I still don’t think you’ve hit your peak. Cheryl: Performing is in your blood, but I hated that arrangement. Your vocals were outstanding. Simon: That performance was in a completely different league to what we’ve heard tonight. This is the first time tonight where I’ve thought the artist was actually trying.

Daniel Evans

After this show, I will be writing to complain to whoever chose the songs for tonight. Jackson must be better known for his upbeat disco classics than this turgid crap they’re trotting out tonight. Daniel gets One Day In Your Life. It’s – in a word – atrocious.

Louis: The problem is, you are totally out of your comfort zone – you’re a really nice guy but that was ‘Bad’. Cheryl: I thought this week was far improved. Simon: The fact that the audience kept you in last week – anyone not over the age of 60 will not like you. Dannii: People at home love love you.

JLS

Finally! JLS take the first reasonably good Jacko song – The Way You Make Me Feel. Maybe the choreography is too complex, because I think it’s affecting the vocal. Some of the singing is a little weak.

Dannii: Fantastic production…I’m not sure if it was the best vocal song for you, because there were some tuning issues. Cheryl: I think there’s a niche in the market for you lot to just grab. Simon: This week, you were 9 out of 10. Tuning issues aside, you actually had fun, you stood out, it showed your personality. I really liked you guys. Louis: I liked you far better than Simon. (What was he talking about?)

Diana Vickers

Oooh, a staircase performance of Man In The Mirror. She’s giving me chills already – I love this girl’s voice, but you guys already know that, don’t you?

She’s performing barefoot, working it for the cameras and just looks like she’s loving it!

Louis: I loved you last week – you’re different to all the girls in the competition, more contemporary. Dannii: You have absolutely found your comfort zone. You made that your own. Simon: You did even better than last week. This is you doing your interpretation of a song, and it’s working – you may be the one to beat. Cheryl: It was the best I;ve ever heard you sing that.

Rachel Hylton

Yay! Dirty Diana! Oooh, and being easily pleased* we’re impressed by the microphone coming from the sky! Damn, those Marshall amps are rugged, I wonder if there’s a product placement deal…

We’re torn here at Unreality HQ – we want to love it, but the teenager to the left of me actually decided to voluntarily make tea rather than listen to this. It could have been a performance piece, but she didn’t really move.

Louis: It was a brave song – I hope the public gets it because you’ve got more to give. Cheryl: I think there’s a lot of soul inside you and I can’t wait to see that. Simon: [Fluffs Rachels name – calls her Diana!] Once again you got it completely and utterly wrong. It was like a circus up there – you’re one heck of a soul singer, but tonight it was ghastly. I’m saying this because I like you.

Eoghan Quigg

Damn, Ben had to rear its ugly head at some point tonight, and our fellow Northern Irelander, Eoghan – being the youngest – has the dirty job to do.

OK, he’s out of the gate with an a cappella intro showing off quite a rich vocal tone for his age. Unfortunately, it’s just a simpering song and I hate it – the song, that is, not Eoghan. Good effort.

Louis: You’ve got Irish charm, you can’t buy that. You’re going to be in the final. Dannii: That was an amazing performance, your purity will challenge all the other voices in this competition put together. Cheryl: Nothing fazes you. A cappella is so hard to do and you nailed it. Simon: It wasn’t as good as last week, but I think you’re going to sail through.