Woohoo – 2009′s X Factor series finally heats up tonight as the nation’s hopefuls descend upon London to be shortlisted. We get a lot of optimistic blurb from Simon, Louis and the others. Yes, it’s time for the unrealistic claims “This may be the most talented bunch we’ve EVER had at boot camp!” Bullshit! From the auditions we’ve seen so far, the auditionees are distinctly average.

Anyway, the challenge for our hard-working talent spotters this weekend is reducing 200 wannabes down to just 50. And from there, down to 24 and from there, down to 12. Shortlisting never sounded so much fun, huh?

First up, we get a fivesome slaughtering that Script song. Some wag of a producer intercuts footage of Cowell claiming that “there’s lots of potential this year”. Meanwhile, Simon 118ing the number for The Samaritans. And somewhat brutally, there are no second chances. The bad acts get chucked abruptly.

Amie Buck fulfils our prophecy from last week that people who forget the lyrics don’t get far in this competition. She has a memory lapse in the middle of her audition and Cheryl tilts her head in sisterly disappointment. We don’t feel bad for her, people who forget lyrics don’t want fame badly enough to actually try. Either that or she’s got some serious memory problems.

Wanna bet that Simon angrily addresses the contestants that are left about how utterly shite they are? It happens virtually every year, so regularly it must be in his contract. “Clause 1(a)32(b): After a montage of bad auditions, Simon will walk into a room of young, wide-eyed contestants and read the riot act about their dedication. Then he’ll stop talking, glare around the room, turn on his expensive heels and stalk out of the room.”

Back to the bootcamp: Graziella gets a moment to convince us she’s had “the tough life”. Along with her partners Shanice and Shar, they take on an old Sinatra song. It’s not perfect, but hey – it looks like the gals are having fun, they’ve got decent voices and a good chemistry onstage. Can you guess what’s coming? Cheryl does a stampy-foot thingy when Simon looks dubious about one of the girls, but they all get through anyway.

And yes, like the reality TV equivalent of a raindance, the girls mark the start of some good auditions. Except Irish duo John and Edward Grimes who are the bookies favourites for being the tossers of the competition. Louis Walsh looks ridiculously excited when they come on stage. They draw the irritation of the audience (and Simon Cowell) when they sing over the top of another person in the group.  Louis (always in favour of the Irish acts) talks Simon into putting them through. Simon brilliantly calls them “vile little creatures who’d spit on their mother’s heads”. The nation nods sagely in agreement.

So we get the usual footage of the judges picking the creme de la crap of the auditionees, and a camp-voiced assistant arranges the singers into various groups. I wonder if they slip drugs into the drinks of the people who get through. You know, just so they’ll be extra mental when they get the news. Tonight’s little sub-plot becomes clearer as Graziella, Shar and Shanice get booted. But…what if we could let them come back, y’know, as a group? Hmmm.

The judges call the girls in and make them a little offer. It’s one of dem der offers that’s hard to refuse – feck off or form a group. Naturally, they form a trio on the spot.

In other news, Simon releases two groups of successful auditionees into the same room and they run at each other like two stampeding herds of singing buffalo. It’s amazing there weren’t casualties. In fairness, Jamie Afro would have been well-protected with his comedy haircut. Fancy dress shops will be reporting a huge increase in comedy afro sales this autumn…but I still don’t rate him as a singer.

There’s quite a bit of criticism of Louis Walsh for putting the Grimes brothers through – everybody knows it’s only because they’re Irish. A commenter on Twitter says “Louis would put the Real IRA through just because they were Irish.”

And just when you think it’s all over, the show suddenly devotes time to showing some people – shock, horror – singing well. This is the half hour that’ll redeem the series: we’re getting to see the serious acts, but so far we’ve not seen Danyl Johnson again since that first audition in Week 1. Other acts manage some flawless, confident performances though – Lucie Jones, that American guy Ethan, Rozelle, Daniel Fox doing his operatic versions of pop songs you might have heard of. Rachel Adedeji owns the stage with her soulful vocals. O’Leary is getting plenty of ladyhugging in backstage, it’s like he’s trying to break a world record.

The brightly coloured Trucolorz do a great job too, but are maybe a bit too kooky for the series. Daryl Markham trots out the “this means absolutely everything to me” line. He’s got a good voice, but Simon doesn’t seem keen. Daniel Pearce comes on and rocks an understated version of Purple Rain. Oh, this is the One True Voice guy. He’s confident, I’ll say that for him, but having been down this route before, I have to wonder why he wants to be a pop puppet a second time round?

Nicole Lawrence comes on and makes a big mistake by showing she’s actually far too good for this competition. I wonder if the judges will have the balls to say it. She’s amazing, the crowd goes literally apeshit and Cowell gives her a respectful nod of the head. Wow, somebody sign this girl up for a West End role, quick!

And that’s all folks. We get a sneak of tomorrow’s show, and a look at the Minority Report-style screen the judges use to sort out the auditionees. Betcha it’s a Microsoft prototype and they get the Blue Screen of Death just before they finish and lose all of their work. It’ll be an exciting show as one of their IT gophers has to come along and fix it, ultimately discovering that Simon’s impatient drumming his fingers on the table has caused it to crash. And if you’ve just watched the end of the show, you’ll be as keen as we are to know who let that blood-curdling scream right at the end! See ya tomorrow!