Welcome to the second night of X Factor bootcamp, readers. This is the place where dreams of being a popstar are made and broken, as the judges mercilessly whittle down wannabe entertainers left, right and center.

First up is Behrouz, who secures his place in the X Factor final – leading all the godawful acts in the novelty performance. His performance showed an unprecedented level of suckage. I love him for daring to be different, but he was the wrong ‘kind’ of different this evening, confirming all my worst fears about him.

Curly-mopped hopeful, Treyc Cohen, comes along and does a good job with a twee song – Michael Jackson’s Ben. Despina picks up on Purple Rain from where Behrouz left off, and it suddenly clicks that this is all because Ruth Lorenzo sang it so well last year.

Lloyd Daniels gives a husky-voiced, but underwhelming version of You Are Not Alone. Jacko is so cashing it in from beyond the grave this year. Do Sony own the rights to his back catalog or something (wink wink)? Now that we’re in the middle of the shortlisting, it’s much easier to spot the really talented singers.

Like Dominic Harris and his version of Last Request – a solid, confident performance. He could still pick up his act by showing a little more charisma though, and there’s a bit of work to be done in the vocals. But the potential is there, as they say…

After the commercial break, the newly formed Miss Frank get their first audition as a proper band. It’s not as tight as we’d have liked – but the source material is pretty dull to be honest. But Graziella lifts it up to another level when she breaks into a rap, driving the audience wild and making Mr Moneybags grin in delight. They still looked a little bit shaky though. Cheryl defends them for having very little preparation time…what will happen?

The disaster round is next: cue a selection of acts who fluff things on stage.

OK, after all that, Scottish singer Rikki Loney is next, but…he’s got a sore throat. Aw, diddums He’s barely audible doing Chasing Pavements and the voice falters a few times. Louis screws up his face, he’s not convinced… Simon tells him he probably shouldn’t have bothered, and Rikki cries backstage. But Dermott is saving consolation hugs for the girls! Anyway, it looks like the judges are going to give him a chance.

And here’s an X Factor favourite, Olly Murs – cheeky chappie, everyday geezer, serial shagger? – perhaps more Lee Ryan than Robbie Williams though? He sings Your Song by Sir Elton of John. Sorry to the official Olly fanclub, but I think he’s a tad overrated. Simon thinks he took the safe option.

Two dudes known as De-Tour perform. Harmony Hood next. Oh, we’re doing groups? Nope, Curtis Moore is next. Girl group Project A look like the proverbial rabbits in headlights. Stacey McClean – a former S Clubber (juniors) – gives a passable rendition of With Or Without You.

Finally, professional hairball and sometime singer, Jamie Afro is still bleating about being 34 and this being his last chance. God, the Lou Ferrigno comparisons are cruel but accurate, aren’t they? Sorry to bitch about this, but I love rock music, and Jamie’s ‘rock voice’ is only going to appeal to bland mainstreamers who wouldn’t know the difference. After an X Factor make-over, they’ll turn him into a third-rate Lenny Kravitz. Louis calls him a crowd-pleaser, Simon called him a bit corny.

The much awaited Stacey Soloman is our next stop – we actually got emails last night asking why she wasn’t on last night’s show! Anyone else think she looks like a pre-drugs Amy Winehouse? Not even a little? Just me then. She’s singing Faith Hill’s There You’ll Be and we love her voice. She’s a bit uncontrolled too, but lovely Yvie will work that out with her. Really bubbly girl too, we like her.

We’re getting all the hot favourites now – Danyl Johnson is next. Like Stacey, he hasn’t been seen since his original audition. I’m surprised that Simply Red songs aren’t banned by Cowell. Mick Hucknall will be spinning in his career’s grave tonight. Press release will be issued in the morning. Expect that to be headlines by Tuesday. Oh, right…Danyl. He beatboxes. Oh dear. Simon looks like he’s being held hostage by a madman with a microphone. I’d give him full marks for an original version, but I didn’t like it. Louis thinks he’s overconfident. Simon hated the song choice (naturally, after Mick Hucknall’s usual comments about X Factor). Are we willing to give Danyl a by-ball on that last song, readers? Good job it wasn’t a phone-vote night, eh?

After watching the auditionees wake up in some decidedly average hotel rooms, we get to hear them talk about how hungry they are. Trot out the cliches – “this could change my entire life”, “it’s make or break time”, and blah blah blah. Then we get to watch the judges poring over a big touchscreen table that looks like an overgrown iPhone. (Aside: if Stacey Soloman gets through, they need to work with her speaking voice more than her singing)

Also, I’m wondering how many dead relatives have ever led to a successful X Factor audition? It might make for a great story and tease out a few more phone votes if you squeeze through to the live shows. Seriously, auditionees, if someone’s pointing a camera at you asking you to talk about your relative, do not expect to go far in this show.

Kind of fell asleep through that bit where they tell people who’s through and who’s not. Not that I don’t care, but it’s soooo drawn-out I decided to pontificate on dead relatives for a while. Forgetting that for a minute, there are some funny moments – like when Simon tells Louis that he won’t let the Grimes brothers on the plane for judges houses. Behrouz tries to stare out the judges after being rejected and Simon tells them “don’t make eye contact”. Behrouz is genuinely surprised that he didn’t get through! Cowell pulls a double-bluff with the last lot of contestants – “For you it’s the end… of the bad news”

After the break, we get a full run-down of all the groupings and who’s through to the next stage. Don’t worry folks, Lisa’s got all the details of the final 24 contestants right here if you didn’t catch it. And now, the final piece of the puzzle is which judges are allocated to each group?

• Over 25′s: Simon Cowell – they run to him like he was Jesus, but by the end of the series, he still won’t know their names.
• Under 25 Boys: Cheryl Cole – lots of gushing about how wonderful Cheryl is. But she doles out hugs like they were Smarties, so no wonder the boys are ecstatic.
• Groups: Louis Walsh – hilariously, boy band mastermind Louis has never won the show with a group. The groups pretend to be excited, but start secretly filling in application forms for Top Shop.
• Under 25 Girls: Dannii Minogue – the girls are ecstatic – if they play their cards right, they get to meet Kylie!!! But Dannii’s won it once before with chart wunderkind Leon Jackson, so the girls are all in good hands! Yay!