Last week’s auditions show took a lot of flack for changing the classic “laugh at the morons” formula. Not from us, we think the BGT-style live auditions rock and finally focus on finding great performers for the live shows.

Never mind, there are plenty of morons to laugh at tonight, but they still fly before you have time to point at the screen and sneer.

First to the stage is Brummie Alan Walton, who spends most of his audition giving Simon directions to his flat. He fluffs the beginning of the song as he tries to count himself in with his watch. Oh, he’s singing Boyzone, by the way. Total disaster. Even Louis didn’t put him through.

He’s followed by a girl who no-one can understand, either singing or talking. This is the tip of a montage of oddballs. Andrew Ellis was told by angels to audition tonight, but not coached by them on how to sing. Bad angels. Good Lord. Birmingham might get blacklisted next year!

The auditions move back to London now with Louis exuberantly lauding the city as the ‘home of pop music’.

Next up is Behrouz Ghaemi, who looks like a dark version of Chico, dressed in ill-advised leather. His song? Take Your Mama Out by Scissor Sisters…in the style of Elvis. A mixture of horror, boredom and revulsion on the judges faces says it all. And suddenly, they love it. Cheryl claims it was ‘entertaining’, and Dannii talks to him like he was a Chihuahua, “You’re a cheeky little thing, aren’t you?” But the judges put him through. Chico…I mean Behrouz…is in for boot camp.

A couple of blandities manage to make it through, probably because of some bizarre blood pact by Louis, Dannii and Cheryl to piss off Simon. It’ll be reported in the paper tomorrow, mark my words. There’s no other reason those singers got through.

Rozelle Phillips is our next contestant, and the backing music suggests she’ll be good. She gets plenty of screen time to talk about her dreams, sacrifices and her granny. The song? One Night Only by Jennifer Hudson. Excellent voice, not perfect, but better than the last three auditions. Simon Cowell has that ‘how can I make this work?’ look on his face as his fellow judges fall over themselves in praise. Four yeses from the panel and a wink from Cowell.

After a break, we find ourselves dry heaving at The Stunners. Cameraman makes sure to focus on the er… larger girl’s squinty eye, which always makes an auditionee look slightly crazed. They sing. Whitney Houston. Awfulness ensues. The Stunners don’t live up to their own hype, quelle surprise.

Cue a montage of stellar idiots that take this particular episode of X Factor into a talent deficit. Yes, I’ve been balancing the books, and the forces of tunelessness are winning.

Miss Fitz are a girlband, which includes a former contestant from 2006. They start off with a Britney song, doing a jazzy version of Toxic that’s pretty funky, but might show an independent spirit that the clonemasters at Sony BMG might not appreciate. Cheryl loved it, Dannii calls it “sensational”. They get the expected four yeses though…through to boot camp. Dermot avails himself of a group with the hot ladies.

Daryl Markham’s audition is one I’ve secretly been dreading – one of the tabloids was heralding a “family tragedy” story tonight. But Daryl seems like a lovely guy, very genuine. He does a very good performance and is met with emotional responses from the judges – Louis has tears in his eyes and Cheryl is choked up. He gets through, but can I warn the producers not to make his bereavement the basis of his story? He’s talented enough not to have his sadness exploited, OK?

Jamie Archer – of the crazy afro haircut – is playing the ‘my last shot at fame’ card. After all, he is 33. This could sooo go either way as he prepares to sing Sex On Fire by Kings Of Leon. I keep coming back to the hair though. Is that real? His biggest problem – he’s chosen a song by one of the most distinctive singers in the business, and singing it in quite a pedestrian way. But what do I know, the crowd goes muzzerfuzzin’ mental anyway. Idiots.

On the plus side, he does have good stage presence and a unique look. While the judges fawn over him – Simon calls him ‘fearless’ – I wonder if he can pull it off in the live shows. 2,500 yeses gets him through to boot camp anyway.