We’re back, we’re severely hung over and we’re liveblogging X Factor! Yay! Thanks to our Primetime writer Lynn for her brilliant coverage of last night’s show – her comment about Dermot, “I would wreck that dude” has had me in stitches more than once today!

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So, the beautiful thing about tonight is, we really don’t care who gets booted. I’m just here for the Susan Boyle performance and to see what Mariah Carey’s boobies are wearing.

And we start with the ensemble performance. Ah, campy pink and yellow colours and pure cheese performances. Do you remember the days of fluorescent colour schemes? Oh yeah, they were singing Wake Me Up Before You Go-go.

And then we get a few minutes of gloating over the various X Factor chart successes – Leona’s album, the charity single, etc. We segue directly into a recap of yesterday’s performances.

SuBo returns

Yes, the wonderful non-winner of Britain’s Got Talent returns in excellent style. She’s singing Wild Horses from her debut album. Although we weren’t ‘wild’ about the single when it first came out, it’s a great showcase for Susan’s voice. Simply a great, subdued performance. But still, absolutely no idea how to do an interview. “Bloody fantastic!” she says to Dermot, live on ITV1, and you can almost hear the groans from the control room as they quickly cut to commercials…

Mariah!

After a little bit of speculation about the best and worst acts, we get treated to an awesome video montage reminding us just how good Mariah can be. Look at those hits! *cough cough* She’s here to perform her new single, a cover of Foreigner’s I Want To Know What Love Is. She does these soft rock cover versions from time to time…

Refreshingly, she wearing a beautiful black dress instead of her usual next-to-nothing. I have to say, she was looking a little fuller figured (by which I mean chubby) tonight – I wonder if we’ll be treated to speculation about Mariah being pregnant in tomorrow’s papers? And wow, a vocal return to the glass-shattering high notes of yesteryear as well. What did you guys think of the Mariah performance?

Not very tense elimination bit

Indeed, Dermot, let’s welcome back the judges and the contestants to see who the public didn’t support this week. Wonder if the phone revenue has taken a hit this week as the nation used up all their phone credit voting for Katie Price to eat balls?

First contestant returned is Stacey Solomon, followed by Joe McElderry. The third act returning is…Danyl Johnson. So the conspiracy theories might be wrong? The last safe act is Lloyd Daniels – the boos from the audience are brilliant. That leaves Jedward squaring up against Olly Murs. It’s a massive “Oh shit!” moment. I’d be seriously worried that Lloyd is going to keep slipping through right up to the finals.

The Sing-off

OK, John and Edward are up first. They walk on stage to heavy booing, then break into a Boyzone classic – No Matter What. Meanwhile, Louis is probably giving a plethora of rude gestures to the members of the audience. It’s bad move to give Jedward a song that relies on singing ability – this is how they go out – even Louis introduced them in a defeatist way. Usually, he’s brimming with confidence for his act, but he seemed resigned to the fact that they were leaving this evening.

Simon – seemingly stunned that Olly’s dubious charms have worn off introduces Mr Murs. He’s doing a boybandified version of Eric Clapton’s Wonderful Tonight. Go and listen to Clapton’s understated original to see exactly how bad this is, readers. Utter shite. I know he’s technically better than Jedward, but this guy is not the future of the British music industry.

Judgey Judgey

Simon tells Jedward he will miss them but sides with Olly. Likewise, Cheryl saves Olly. Louis chooses Jedward. Will Dannii save Olly, since he’s technically the best singer? She makes her big point about it being a singing competition. And finally, praise to Dannii, she drives the final nail into the Jedward coffin. Ahhhhhhhhhh, satisfaction! Cheerio, oddballs!

Interviewing Louis, he says “they made me feel young again”, and we all have a dirty laugh under our breath! Adding to the innuendo, John (or Edward) says he “hope Stacey and Olly go all the way”. Does he mean in the competition or in the romantic sense?