Pssst! We’ve infiltrated the X Factor final! We got a runner to sneak us into the studios and we’re currently hiding out in a closet in Simon Cowell’s dressing room!

Well, not really, but we are blogging from the apartment Alexandra Burke used to live in after she won X Factor last year. True story!

Join us here on Unreality TV for a Saturday night blogging extravaganza – and after being unfeasibly nice about the contestants last week, this week we promise to tell it like it is. You can join in, as always, by leaving your comments on this post as the performances go on.

The Big Question: Somebody has to leave tonight? Who do you think will go?

And here we go…hearing about the contestants and their dreams of fame and fortune. And those judges, gawd love ‘em, they tell us how some poor ordinary person (just like you and me) could have their lives transformed for oh, one or two years, by this amazing recording contract. Yay!

Dermot reminds us that 200,000 people applied and only 3 survive. He fails to mention that 199,997 singers who applied were worse than the three survivors. And so the show that I’ve come to fondly call The Farce Factor this year ends with a whimper as three club singers attempt to carve a career in the pop industry.

First up, the delightful Stacey Solomon…

Stacey Solomon

It’s hilarious that the press can pick apart Susan Boyle’s mental issues without reservation, but somehow Stacey Solomon’s moronic patter is ‘cute’. I think she’s a lovely girl, but I got tired of that accent back in week 2. Best bit of her home visit video though, was her dad uncorking some champaigne and taking out a bulb on their chandelier!

Stacey’s up with her audition song, What A Wonderful World, and showing those elegant thighs. It really is like Jeckyll and Hyde how she flips between classy stage singer and unintelligible interviews. But the voice, after a couple of wobbly moments in the last couple of weeks is on top form. Strong performance from Stacey to start the night off!

Louis: Stacey Solomon, what a transformation. Who would’ve thought you’d come all this way from that first audition. People love you. And I can’t believe you don’t know how good you are! Cheryl: I was so happy to see you up there in the final three, Stacey. I think amazingly because the pressure’s on tonight, it was lovely to see you enjoying it. Simon: Now you’re like a calm nervous wreck that’s singing beautifully. It takes me back to that first audition – you surprised me then and you thoroughly deserve your place tonight. Dannii: I’m very very proud of you.

Olly Murs

Now, here comes the infernal Olly Murs. Simon tells us that Olly thoroughly deserved his place in the final. And since this is the Farce Factor, it was fair to say. He’s not exactly up against Leona or Alexandra, is he?

Simon goes to Olly’s hometown dressed like Olly’s grandad, while Olly take the “twat in the hat” persona to new depths. A local rent-a-crowd comes out in support of him as he performs for a home crowd. And he’s revisiting his audition tune, Superstitious. All the annoying stage production is laid on tonight. He does a reasonable job vocally, but the cheesy production…ugh.

Louis: Olly, oh my god! Not many people can sing Stevie Wonder and do the silly dancing. You’ve definitely got the X Factor Olly. Dannii: What a fantastic performance. Such a great song for you, so good to hear you singing that again. Cheryl: Something’s in the air tonight because everybody’s that much more comfortable. That’s something you would see at a concert. You’re an entertainer Olly, and you thoroughly deserve your place in the final. Simon: I said at the beginning I took a risk on you, but it was the best risk I’ve ever taken in my life. On the biggest night of your life, you just pulled off the performance of your life.

Joe McElderry

Here comes lil’ Joe and his winning smile. Lucky bugger, he’s managed to get Cheryl Cole in the backseat of a limo. Now there’s a dream come true! But they’re just heading to Joe’s hometown for a wee visit, they hit his school and then visit the family. Speeches get made, tears get shed, but thankfully no bulbs get shot out by champagne corks.

His first song is Dance With My Father, a gorgeous tune that’ll endear him to legion of listeners. The vocals are virtually flawless, and there’s a bit of a surprise at the end with the inclusion of a gospel choir.

Louis: Joe, I remember that first audition so well, because you came out and sang Luther Vandross and it absolutely got me. You’ve got better and better and you’ve got an incredible voice. Dannii: You’re a brilliant performer, you’ve got an amazing voice and what an adorable young man. You’ve never let us down. Simon: You deserve credit for everything you’ve done over the past few weeks. You’re a great example of someone who’s talented and is such a nice person. I really really want you to do well, because I like you and I want to see you in the final tomorrow night. Cheryl: You’re an absolute testament to your mum and dad, and I pray you get it for them.

Stacey Solomon and Michael Buble

Goddamn. Stacey does a good version of It’s A New Dawn and then introduces Michael Buble. It’s actually quite enjoyable, because they look like they’re having tons of fun together.

Buble disses Dermot when he says he can’t understand his question. Then he relates a wonderfully dull story about how the Queen has his record. Does that constitute royal approval? Will he get to put a crest on his albums?

Olly Murs and Robbie Williams

Arghhhhh! Murs starts singing Angels, leaving only one possible guest star for him to be duetting with. He fully screws up the start of the chorus, the “and through it all” bit. Robbie helps by making a balls-up too. Ah, then Olly and Robbie do the traditional karaoke bloke pose – arms round each others shoulders. Wish I’d called him Karaoke Murs a few weeks ago…

Robbie says he loves Olly, which is understandable, because Olly’s clearly a Robbie tribute act waiting to happen. And Robbie also plays the “Sorry, can’t understand you, Dermot” game. This could be fun if all the guests pretended not to understand him!

Joe McElderry and George Michael

A week of will-he, won’t-he about George Michael’s performance ends right now! Joe launches into Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me, presumably quaking in fear that George Michael won’t walk out those middle stage doors! I got a wee tingle when Joe introduced George – anyone else? Oh, it was rather good when they started harmonising and the fireworks started. I actually thought George Michael was a little wobbly during that, more so than Joe!

Stacey Solomon

Stacey returns to the stage in a rather sexy shimmering dress for her rendition of Queen’s Who Wants To Live Forever. This is better than the first version she did, she’s putting a lot more power into it, or perhaps it’s that wind machine?

Louis: That was vocally incredible. It was definitely your best song of the whole series, and very few people can sing Freddie Mercury so well. You’ve been consistent right through the series, I hope you’re in the final tomorrow. Cheryl: You looked incredible, you sounded incredible and I’ve me fingers crossed that you’re in the final two tomorrow. Simon: As Cheryl has said, you smashed it! Dannii: Another incredible performance. I’m so happy for you, I’m so proud for you.

Olly Murs

There he stands, in a silver suit, doing his stupid stupid dance. Why am I angry? Simon Cowell put this guy in the competition and made a joke of his own show. Look at the ridiculous chorus line of girls, and once more at that stupid stupid dancing. What a tool.

Louis: That was my favourite song of yours from the series. You’re sexy, you’re soulful, you’re a showman. You own the stage, you’re a natural talent. I hope you’re here again tomorrow. Dannii: Definitely your best performance from the series. Cheryl: It was amazing to see the improvement from the first time you sung it til now. You sung it like it was your last performance. Simon: I really really hope this isn’t the last time you’re going to be singing. You’ve been an absolute pleasure to work with. As a person, I’m really proud of what you’ve achieved.

Joe McElderry

Joe’s version of Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word is as good asyou might expect. However, it’s terribly maudlin and downbeat. I’d totally prefer to hear something much more uptempo and fun.

Louis: You never ever let us down. You’ve got the voice, and we’re looking for a voice. You’re so humble and you’re a pop star. Dannii: An absolutely stunning performance. That was just so beautiful. Simon: You are really special Joe. You chose this song as the final song to prove what a great singer you’ve become and what a pop star you could be.

Robbie

Robbie breaks the night up with a performance of his new single, You Know Me. Ooh, and boats have been pushed out for this performance – big visuals, a large platform and a full band to accompany him. As a seasoned pro, Williams has the audience eating out of his hands as usual. And – newsflash – O’Leary brands him a national treasure. Possibly the most overused phrase on ITV this year.

Elimination!

Did you vote? If not, it’s too late now. The first act returning is…Olly Murs. Ugh. It’s between Stacey and Joe. This is ludicrous. Joe seems to be inspecting Cheryl’s boob at really close range. And Joe gets through. There are some boos in the audience, not sure if they’re for Olly or Joe.

Conspiracy corner – Dermot said at the end of the show “three become two”. Is that an allusion to “two become one”, a song by the Spice Girls, featuring Mel B, who has been rumoured to take over from Dannii Minogue if she gets fired this year? Like I said, conspiracy corner, no basis in fact!

Thanks for chatting X Factor with us tonight everybody – shocking that Olly Murs has remained in the competition. I really hope Joe wins tomorrow night!

Also…

• Chat about each contestant’s performance tonight on the Unreality TV X Factor forum.
• If you fancy blogging tonight’s show yourself, sign up for a free account at Unreality Shout and join our X Factor blogging group.
• And don’t forget, send us your opinions via Twitter (@unrealitytv) we sometimes publish the best comments in our liveblog post!

Join us back here at 7.30 tonight and help us chat through the show. Until then feel free to leave your comments below and tell us who you’d like to leave tonight and what celebrity guests you’re excited about watching. Also if you just can’t wait for tonight, lisa has some great song spoilers here.