Here we go folks – we’ve done the auditions round, the bootcamp round and we’ve visited the judges houses and groaned whenever Sinitta wore those palm leaves.

Tonight’s what the serious X Factor fans have been waiting for – the first live show. Will nationally reviled twins John and Edward Grimes get booted out straight away, or will they survive at the expense of another contestant?

The deep-voiced melodramatic fella is back doing voiceover. It’s time. To face. The music!

So, no messing around, we get some fighting talk from the judges. Dermot bounces onto the stage reminding us that winning the X is the “biggest prize in pop”. With that exciting revelation, the judges come on stage. What the frickin’ frick is Cheryl wearing? To call it an attention grabbing frock would be an understatement. Dannii’s sedate purple number barely compares.

Rachel Adedeji

First up is a Minogue contestant – Rachel Adedeji. We get a nice bit of VT showing Robbie Williams mentoring her. Fair play to him, Robbie looks like he’s enjoying it. So, what’s she singing? Robbie’s own Let Me Entertain You.

Starts off with sound problems – Rachel’s quite difficult to hear. Vocally she seems on the money, but it’s hard to judge. She does have the audience eating out of the palm of her hand as she struts the stage confidently. Not sure about her styling to be honest, it looked a bit meh.

Louis: It’s like Rihanna sings Robbie. Cheryl: You had the hardest job opening up the first series. Simon: (Causes us to ask if ‘misunderestimated’ is a word) That was a great performance…the choroegraphy was great, the makeup was repulsive. Dannii: What an opening to the show, thank you Rachel!

Kandy Rain

Louis gets his first act to perform – girl group Kandy Rain. Best bit about their video is getting to see this year’s X Factor house. An altogether more modern building, it looks pretty sweet. But – oh no! – the dramatic background music warns us that all is not well. We’ve had some problems at rehearsal.

So, the group who don’t want to be remembered as strippers get to sing…Robert Palmer’s Addicted To Love. They’re suitably bedecked in matching sexy black dresses, but you can always rely on Louis to insist on matching costumes. Can I just say that this is a crap song choice? The girls handle it well, but it just doesn’t suit them. Shall we blame Louis.

Dannii: Kandy Rein it in! You wanted us to listen to you as singers…but… Cheryl: If I was your mentor, I’d have dressed you more demure. You say you want us to forget about your past, but you come out here dressed all provocatively. Simon: First of all, I think the pole dancing is a great deal. [Simon and Cheryl bicker for a moment about being scantily clad. Simon says "pot, kettle, black, love"] Louis: All the guys at home are going to like you. I agree with Simon totally for once, and I think there’s a gap in the market for a new girl group.

Olly Murs

We’ve been waiting to see which of Simon’s acts he’d push out first, and Mr Murs is the one. Robbie’s blethering about how much he likes Olly while Simon is giving him a lecture about his performance. Oh, the drama!

Olly emerges to a stage that’s surrounded in billowing dry ice. He’s singing She’s The One by the aforementioned Mr Williams. Watch Robbie’s back catalogue sales go stratospheric this week folks! Sorry, but I don’t get Olly Murs, people. He seems distinctly average, I don’t understand that wavy quiff thing he does with his hair, or the way he worked in his wee dance thing from auditions.

Louis: You’re the likeable guy next door, you made the song your own. Dannii: Everybody on the crew wants to be your friend, not just Robbie. Cheryl: You totally pulled it back by the end of the song. You’re a really nice guy and I hope you do really well. Simon: You remind me of Robbie – he knows he’s not the best singer in the world, but he’s a great entertainer. You’re like that too.

(I get the impression that those are some damage limitation comments. Simon wasn’t raving about the performance, so he mustn’t have been happy about it. Instead he makes some comment about how Robbie isn’t the best singer in the world either? Hmmm…)

Rikki Loney

First of the Under 25 males is Scottish singer Rikki Loney. Simon says he’s got to stop crying. He’s got a bit of a bee in his bonnet this year about crybabies.

And what the hell is Rikki wearing? A bergundy suit? And singing a castrated, emotionless version of Winehouse’s Back To Black. Louis is either chewing on some peanuts or he’s not impressed. Loney’s vocals were shaky there, and it was overall a damp squib.

Louis: I think once you get your confidence, you’ll give an awful lot more to the competition. Dannii: I see you on level one, but you can go to ten. Simon: I thought it was a silly song choice for you. Didn’t like the way you were styled or the hat. It was wet, it had no star quality. Cheryl: You’ve come back three times now, you’ve had your confidence knocked, but I’m right behind you. I’ve got your back.

Stacey Solomon

Or Dagenham Stace as Dannii Minogue introduces her! Oh, I think the nation will love this girl, but how long before they draft in a Henry Higgin’s type to give her elocution lessons?

She’s singing Coldplay’s The Scientist. Perhaps the most successful makeover of the series so far, Stacey’s looking good, and I can see her gaining fans among males and females alike. Again, it’s a bit of a confounding song choice, no real dynamics in the song to show off her voice properly.

Louis: Everywhere I go people are talking to me about Stacey. You didn’t pick an easy song, you picked Coldplay. You’ve got it all. Cheryl: What you see is what you get, and you’re a genuinely lovely girl. I would have loved to have seen you in a little dress or something a little more glam. Simon: I don’t think it was as good as your first audition, because I think you’re better in a lower key. There’s more to come from you. Love your personality. Dannii: I want to say a huge thank you for coming out of your comfort zone in show one.

Miss Frank

A completely X Factor production, Miss Frank are the girl group formed from potentially great solo auditionees. This should be an interesting performance anyway. Who’s Lovin’ You by the Jackson Five.

Yes, so far these girls are better than Kandy Rain. They look good, and contrary to the VT story, they are performing together as a group quite well. Nice makeover. The audience are going wild.

Dannii: You certainly have given Mr Walsh the wow factor here. Graziella, please do some rapping sometime! Cheryl: I have no qualms in saying that you’re my favourite group. Silly song choice in my opinion, but you’ve got so much more powerfulness. Simon: I disagree, I thought it was a brilliant song choice. I knew that I was right to put you guys together. What’s surprising was that the two bookends were quite good tonight. (He compliments Shar particularly) I think you girls have got huge potential. Louis: You’re the female JLS for this year. You’ll be the next big girl group in the UK.

Jamie Archer

Here’s X Factor’s oldest contestant this year. Jamie bigs up Robbie, calling him his ‘personal hero’. Robbie tells him that he needs to go straight in there, grab them from the beginning and keep them there. Louis voices my concern – that Jamie’s a pub rocker.

Unusual song choice – T Rex’s Get It On. His voice was a little low in the mix, but as the song goes on it becomes clear that Jamie has a great voice. It works quite well in this rocky setting, complete with backing track and fake band. Cowell looks elated.

Louis: I think you’re a really really good performer. I just hope you’re going to be more versatile. Dannii: It was authentic and it takes a lot of guts to come on a show like this. Cheryl: Perfect song choice for you, but I think the pubs have knocked you a bit. But I think you’re absolutely fantastic. Simon: This may sound a bit biased, but that performance was in a different league to anything else we’ve heard here tonight.

Lloyd Daniels

Another of Cheryl’s contestants, Lloyd Daniels is singing Cry Me A River by Justin Timberlake. Brian Friedman describes his choreography lesson as a disaster, so are we looking at a potential train wreck? Let’s see…

Off the bat, his tuning sounds suspect, but he looks nervous. As the youngest contestant, I feel compelled to cut him some slack. At the same time, Simon’s comment to Rikki Loney also applies here – we’re not seeing much star quality here other than a good-looking kid singing reasonably well. Teens will lap it up, naturally.

Louis: You are a born pop star. You didn’t get the high notes, but who cares? Dannii: You’re streets ahead of where Robbie was when he started off. This song is incredibly difficult, and you’ll be compared to Justin Timberlake. Next time choose something that you can put your own stamp on. Simon: It was a little bit stiff at times. But it was very young. I think you came over tonight as an authentic pop star. Cheryl: I don’t care what the others say, you’re my little popstar and you’ll have lots of girls crying rivers over you!

Lucie Jones

We’re told Lucie Jones has a great song choice tonight. She’s come across as likeable and down to earth on the video, but will she sway us with her singing?

The song is Footprints In The Sand, a song Leona Lewis released a while back. Lucie is wearing a shockingly frumpy old lady dress – please sack the stylist! And nobody knows this song, come on! A good vocal performance, but really not much to sell her as a pop star or performer.

Lucie: We’ve found another great singer from Wales. You were brave to sing a Leona song, but you nailed it. Cheryl: You’ve got such a beautiful voice on your own. Your voice is absolutely stunning. Simon: The problem is, you’re always going to be compared to Leona. You didn’t hit the big notes. You’ve got a beautiful voice, but there’s a ceiling and you didn’t hit it. Dannii: You stood up tonight to show that you can do those type of songs.

John And Edward Grimes

The most controversial choice this year, the Grimes brothers are next on stage. We get a bit of damage limitation from the boys “we’re not these cocky twins…” but it’s typically empty and unconvincing. Yawn…

They get lowered onto the stage. Plenty of visual noise on stage, and a song that doesn’t require much singing skill – Robbie’s Rock DJ. Fair play to Walsh, this isn’t a total disaster. The singing – which is what we’re here for – isn’t up to much, but it can be hidden well on this particular track. And again kudos to Louis for choosing something from the last two decades.

Dannii: You guys have the whole country talking. Great performance tonight, not the best vocals. Cheryl: I have got the most admiration for you two for the amount of stick you’ve taken. Matter of fact, you can’t sing. It’s not your fault you’re in the final twelve. Simon: I’m trying to find something here…for your age, you are amazingly thick skinned. That’s the positives out of the way. It was a musical nightmare. The truth is that Louis has put you through because you’re Irish. Louis: People from Ireland can’t vote for some reason. Hey, you entertained people and everybody’s talking about you.

Joe McElderry

Continuing our Robbie-themed sales-boosting X Factor launch, young Joe McElderry will be singing No Regrets, possibly one of my favourite Robbie tracks.

Finally, Cheryl Cole can breathe a sigh of relief. Her first two acts were a major disappointment, but Joe is actually a good singer, good looking guy and held the stage quite well despite his age. Well played!

Louis: I think we’ve found ourselves a postar. I predict you’re the one to watch in the competition. Dannii: You absolutely nailed it. Forget about wanting to be a popstar, you are a superstar. Simon: Absolutely brilliant. You’ve got a great melody about your voice. It was the perfect choice of song. You are a little dark horse Joe, and I agree with Louis you’ll be around a long time. Cheryl: Go on son, get in there.

Danyl Johnson

If you’d fallen asleep at this point, Dermot shouting at Simon from the stage will have woken you up. Simon was away chatting to somebody and hadn’t been paying attention. Anyway, Danyl is singing And I’m Telling You by Jennifer Hudson. A big song.

Smartly dressed in a jacket, t-shirt and jeans (stolen from Herr Cowell’s own wardrobe?), Danyl starts out sedately, but totally raises the game, ending on an amazing note. Not literally the note he was singing, but the crowd were pleased.

Louis: It was a great song, you absolutely pulled it off. You’re the most overconfident person in the competition – you have to become more likeable. Dannii: A true X Factor performance. But if we’re to believe everything we read in the paper, he didn’t need to change the gender reference in it. [Oooh, tumbleweed rolls across the stage as Dannii cast aspersions about Danyl's sexuality LIVE on air. Danyl's raging. He's really upset. Jesus, Minogue, what have you done?] Cheryl: You could feel the atmosphere in the room when you sung that song. You absolutely smashed it. But I agree with Louis, there’s a fine line between confidence and cockiness. Simon: You can forget playing any of those games with him, I won’t have it. This guy deserves a break, he sang his heart out, he deserves it.