OK, starting this liveblog slightly inebriated and slightly behind the broadcast show (thanks to Sky+). After two weeks rather devoid of talent, we’re hoping that somehow X Factor will have attracted a decent singer.

The first stop on the tour is Glasgow, which is in danger of bringing on the mentalists, but also holds a chance of having some great singers.

Diana Watson – All That Jazz

Delusional Diana believes that her act will be brilliant. It’s a double act with her dog. Her ambition is to storm the charts with her pooch with a type of act never before seen in the pop charts. Maybe that should have been a clue for her.

She comes on the show to the bemusement of the judges – Dannii in particular looks slightly confused, Simon pours heaps of scorn on the poor woman. And as she gets into her version of I Will Survive, Cheryl looks horrified. This is no Susan Boyle! Louis says “No.” Diana says “Awww, Simon,” as if Cowll somehow hexed Louis into rejecting her.

And here’s the thing, when she came down the stairs, I half-expected Ant and Dec to meet her, not Dermot.

John Cassidy

Tone-deaf John from North Lanarcshire “actually hurt” Dannii and Cheryl is almost brought to tears. Cowell describes it as horrific.

Gisela Lee

Beautiful Gisela Lee comes on, and our hopes lift for a minute, until she opens her mouth. Ouch. The interesting part of this audition isn’t how bad Gisela sounds, but that Simon actually reaches forward as if wanting to hit a buzzer. This isn’t Britain’s Got Talent, matey! But it’s getting increasingly like it…

Gordon Rush

Next up is idiot in clown suit, Gordon Rush, singing Achey Breakey Heart. Have we slipped in a BGT outtakes DVD by accident? This is poor tonight. Simon, are you deliberately holding back on the talent here?

Carla Schettini

With Carla, you get the impression that she might be an improvement on the other singers who’ve disgracefully been given screen time tonight. But no, she’s performing to the piss-poor karaoke standard that we’re coming to expect from this series. The judges tactfully tell her not to give up the day job – despite bribing Louis with a kilt.

Ricky Loney

OK, change in background music suggests that we have a better candidate. We’ve been weakened by five bad singers so far – anyone who could hold a tune will get through to boot camp at this stage. Ricky is a former auditionee from last year who didn’t get through. Blah blah blah grown as an entertainer is the general blurb from his VT.

He tackles an Otis Redding song, which is like a soothing audio treat after the harpies who’ve preceded him. Great delivery, a little rough around the edges, but we see potential. The spine-tingling “you’ve been successful” music comes back…Louis gushes at him in the usual way, Dannii thinks his mum should be so proud and Cheryl compliments his bravery at auditioning again (in other people that quality could be considered stupidity). Simon thinks that they made a mistake rejecting him last year and that he’s capable of much more. Finally, an act makes it through to boot camp.

We expect amazing things from all these positive comments! Imagine, Ricky could be Scotland’s next Leon Jackson – they sky is the muzzer-fuzzin’ limit for this kid!

William Hooper

Back after the break and we see dapper grandpa William Hooper, who’s been much talked about in the tabloids today. Chances of winning a recording contract? Slim to none. Chances of charming the audience tonight? Plenty. Cannily, he plays the ‘my last chance at fame’ line and it’s actually believable!

As he sings Come Fly With Me, everybody loves it. Simon clicks his fingers to the song and Dermot utters the soon-to-be-immortal words: “Simon’s clicking!!! Simon never clicks!”

Nevertheless, William receives great comments from the judges, with Simon dousing a little cold water on proceedings with a criticism of William’s singing voice. “Grandad’s got The X Factor” scream the family afterwards, but the grandpa’s never get past boot camp.

Lydia Kabasele

17 year old Lydia gives a very soulful rendition of Saving All My Love For You and impresses everybody, but gets shockingly less screen time than the freaks.

Alistair Nwachukwu

Alistair with the unpronouncable surname wows the crowd before he even sings, but does an acceptable version of Michael Jackson’s The Way You Make Me Feel. Naturally he gets the boot camp nod.

Now, moving on swiftly, girl group The Secrets impress the judges, and Heshima Thompson declares it’s time to represent for the boys with a Script song. Louis is uncharacteristically complimentary and constructive with him and he gets voted through to boot camp too.

Shanna Goodhead

Shanna gets our sob-story radar up straight away with a rather tired “want to provide a better life for my family” tale to the strain’s of Leona’s cover of Run. What’s worse is that she doesn’t need a story – when we hear her singing, she’s clearly talented.

Dannii, commenting on her preformance already seems to know that Shanna is trying to transcend her background: “You want this so badly to change your life.” Tell me this isn’t orchestrated. Louis keeps it real and compliments her “amazing potential” and Cheryl praises her “natural, raw talent”. Cowell is “nervous about her self-belief”, but votes her into boot camp anyway.

Look, I’m not saying that Shanna hasn’t had a difficult lifestyle, but that’s of no consequence to a talent audition. If the fool in the clown suit from earlier on – Gordon Rush – had come on with a story about how he was made an orphan at age 7, would it have made his audition more valid? No. What’s more, how many people growing up in Shanna’s community in the same conditions have the option to audition their way out of poverty? Don’t patronize the audience, X Factor.

Freak Parade

Yes, this title refers to a forgettable array of dirgebags who I cannot be arsed commenting upon. Yawwwwnnnn.

Demi Cullum

Demi is a cute bundle of nervous energy, but tackles a Whitney Houston song. Every sentence she utters ends in “so…” However impressed the judges are with her personality, they tell her that her voice isn’t good enough.

The poor kid breaks down on the stage, and Cheryl rushes up to comfort her. But possibly the most heartbreaking part…the family and friends were wearing “Demi’s got the X Factor” t-shirts. A genuinely sad moment in the show. We loved you, Demi!

We get treated to another montage of successful auditionees, then a focus on the next contestant:

Olly Murs

Olly’s got this chirpy telesales vibe going on, describing himself as “a normal geezer”. He comes on stage and gives the audience a burst of Stevie Wonder’s Superstitious. The vocal delivery is good, but the funny, understated dance moves are quite interesting – a hint of Jay Kay there, perhaps? Who knows?

Dannii tells him he had the “whole package” while Simon gives his best comment of the night “I really really like you…you’re very cool.” And suddenly we have another contestant for boot camp…