Good evening readers! We’re watching X Factor live tonight. Even though it’s a pre-recorded show, we’re going to be live blogging it!

If you’re looking for extra chat action, hit the X Factor board on the forum.

7:50pm – The girlie group is in Cannes with Cheryl. She’s standing on a balcony talking down to them, and there’s no chance they can hear her from the balcony. But they all nod along.

7:52pm – Simon and his clothes horse buddy Sinitta (bedecked in gold, no less) have a stern word with the boys – if you screw it up, it’s the end of the line kids.

7:53pm – Dannii’s head has been attacked by a manky turban-type thing, while Emma Bunton promises to impart everything she learned in the Spice GIrls.

7:54pm – There are no flies on the groups. Being in Ireland, they make a wild, wild guess that their mentor might be Louis Walsh. They are not disappointed.

7:55pm – Mad judge love ensues as the contestants get to say ass-kissing things about their mentors. Watch out for those who are squinting at the cue cards…

8:01pm – Eoghan Quigg gets his opportunity to talk about getting this big opportunity. Check out what looks like bad sunburn under his neck. He takes on an old Boyzone song, forgetting that Louis isn’t in the room and Simon won’t care. Simon describes him as ‘robotic’ and Eoghan feels like he’s blown his chance.

8:03pm – Liam Payne’s next up – the comeback kid who got a second shot at auditions. Keeping with a boyband theme, he gives a less-than-passionate version of A Million Love Songs. If he’s oozing charisma, I don’t know where it’s leaking from, but Sinitta thinks he’s cute, so that’s alright.

8:06pm – Mali Michael McCalla sings an obscure song that I’ve never heard, voice shaking slightly from nerves. Simon thinks he’s got potential, despite the ropey off-key bits.

8:07pm – Mr Austin Drage takes on She’s Out Of My Life, Simon looked like he was moved by the performance and promises Sinitta that Austin’s life will change as a result. We hope he doesn’t mean he’s arranged a contract killing.

8:09pm – Scott Brunton reveals he’s given up his job and sold his granny to be on X Factor tonight. He sings I Can’t Make You Love Me. He’s right. Simon is worried by part of him, but isn’t specific about which parts.

8:11pm – Alan Turner’s opportunity to right the press allegations comes along, and a more cynical person might accuse the producers of chopping up onions during his interview. But not I. He croons All Or Nothing to Simon and Sinitta. The Cowell is well aware of the press stuff and takes his chance to ask him directly as a cameraman lurks conveniently in the bushes. Simon walks away convinced. Take that British tabloid press!

8:15pm – Cue video montage of Simon and Sinitta making decisions against a lightning-seared sky, and contestants talking on camera about how much this means to them.

8:21pm – Daniel Evans takes on that Steve Brookstein classic Against All Odds. Hope that doesn’t prejudice Simon against him later on, but Dannii and Emma aren’t sure he’s pop star material.

8:23pm – Ruth Lorenzo is the next contestant. She feels like she might not be accepted by the British public. She sings a version of True Colours in a mixture of English and Spanish, but breaks down in tears. Powerful stuff, Ruth. Emma gets goosebumps, and pardon the observation, but it occurs to me that Dannii Minogue looks like one of those Egyptian mummies you see in the museum.

8:26pm – Louise Heatly takes on Say A Little Prayer, but forgets the words and isn’t clever like Ruth to pretend to cry. Our verdict is – not great.

8:27pm – Retired golfer James Williams is next with Mr Bojangles, but Emma Bunton has reservations about his technique.

8:29pm – Former Shayne Ward choirster (I made that word up) Suzie Furlong is looking for a chance at fame. She’s good. Dannii’s not sure though.

8:30pm – Here comes the infamous Rachel Hylton! We get caught up on her sob story, and pause for a moment at how butch she looks. But her singing is awesome, and her technique is quirky. She gives us a rendition of Sugababes’ Beautiful…until she forgets the words. Dannii is disappointed. So is the nation.

8:32pm – Cue Dermot to set the scene for the tense shortlisting VT sequence. There are tears, and the usual yada-yada about last chances and this is everything to me!

8:40pm – Sibling act 4instinct come on singing Rockin’ Robin by Michael Jackson. Louis and Shane like them, but we know that any band with a number in the title will get booted quickly in this competition – 4tune, anyone?

8:42pm – The inventively named GirlBand give us a blast of Valerie in the Winehouse style. Sounds like a bad karaoke performance, looks worse. Louis wonders if they have something special?

8:43pm – London group JLS are ready to give their everything, and they give an impressive arrangement of Jordin Sparks’ No Air. They appear to have trouble high-fiving, and Shane from Westlife ain’t impressed.

8:45pm – Makeshift group Priority haven’t practised since forming. Louis doesn’t look happy at their lack of practice, and the nation goes cold at their woefully bad version of Umbrella. Ouch. Shane Filan, who hasn’t had a day-job since before Westlife isn’t happy about the fact that they have work comittments.

8:48pm – Bad Lashes pose around the castle gardens and have time to shed a few tears of ambition in the VT, then show their true colours with a rendition of Wonderwall. The most professional performance I’ve personally heard at this stage by far. Louis and Shane are pleasantly surprised.

8:50pm – Five-piece girl group do a number on Take That’s Shine. They fail to impress me with a load of crap about their working class backgrounds and fighting for a better life for their families. Not as good as Bad Lashes. Not nearly. One of them is hungry and talks about big steaks. Oops, we’ve segued into the tense shortlisting scene. One chance, last chance, this means everything to me, it’s the biggest day in our lives…etc…yawwwwnnnn.

8:54pm – The Unreality TV web server keeps crashing! It seems you like us. You really, really like us. I’d also like to not apologise for the huge dollops of scorn I’ve been pouring on the editing of tonight’s X Factor. I would like to meet the people of Britain who lap up these sob stories and slap them about the face with a wet haddock.

The talent is great this year. Well, in places. We really don’t need this cliché crap about last shots at fame and how much this means to us.

8:58pm – Cheryl is nervous because she’s got a stack of great acts and is going to have trouble choosing. Diana Vickers is the first contestant and she tackles Nothing Compares 2 U in a Joss Stone stylee. I remember that I like this girl for being different and actually thinking about how she’s going to sing it.

9:00pm – Amy Connelly gets to sing for ‘her friend’ Cheryl. No comment on the sob story. She forgets her words (to that Gabriella Cilmi song), a common theme among these wannabe pop stars. She has a little cry, Cheryl forgives her where Simon would have shot her at dawn.

9:02pm – Rock-voiced Hannah Bradbeer gives 110% on Another Piece Of My Heart, seemingly changing Cheryl and Kimberley’s minds and ‘putting a spanner in the works’.

9:04pm – Another husky voiced dame is Laura White, reinterpreting Timberlake’s Cry Me A River. I can potential through the few weak spots in the performance. Cheryl questions how she hasn’t made it yet. Either BO or personal problems?

9:06pm – Anastasia Baker comes along with a reasonably soulful voice, but unable to stay in time with the accompaniment. She has a complete crap attack and seems to be falling down a flight of steps backwards while crying.

9:07pm – Islington resident Alexandra Burke comes up next and before she sings I like her. Not just because she’s pretty, I’m not that shallow. She has a belter of a voice, confident performance. Hey, why not let her just win it right now? Cheryl ponders why life is so hard that she has such strong acts to consider. Kimberley agrees.