Alright, viewers/readers – here we are tonight for the second of 2009’s X Factor live shows! Louis Walsh will be noticably absent this evening, but our eyes are on which judge will make an outrageous comment that will be misinterpreted by the nation. Go Team Minogue!

Let’s watch for rampant mediocrity – hi, Rikki and Lloyd, and cocky overconfidence from frontrunner Danyl Johnson…anything else? Now, after a bit of lovely grovelling to music mogul Clive Davis. And first up is Welsh warbler Lucie Jones:

Lucie Jones

We catch Lucie having a masterclass with Whitney Houston and Clive Davis and looking suitably chuffed to be in their majestic presences. She comes on stage with a troupe of backing dancers singing How Will I Know? Her voice just doesn’t suit this, though Lucie is giving it a powerful try. She’s also struggling a little with the choreography.

Cheryl: I know how difficult it is trying to dance in high heels and sing, but for me there’s a little something not connecting yet. Simon: You are a very different artist from the one we saw a couple of weeks ago. You made an attempt to be younger. You’re never going to be Whitney, you’ll never hit those notes. Dannii: It was an amazing opening to the show. She said there was a diva in there and you let her out tonight.

Richard White on Twitter said: “fairly mediocre performance from Lucie Jones to start the show” while MinxyKitten said “Poor Lucie. Not a good song choice Too much stopping and starting. Hard song to sing for the best of singers.”

Olly Murs

Olly’s going to tackle a Tina Turner song tonight and we see him getting pretty good feedback from Clive and Whitney, while Cheryl is worried that he can’t transition to diva status. Simon reminds us of Olly’s ‘umble beginnings as an electricity salesman.

The song – I’m reliably informed is A Fool In Love. Olly is stalked around the stage by a can-can line of girls in tassled dresses. And though he makes my skin crawl, Olly is actually doing a great job of a fairly obscure song. The performance is confident and we get a taste of his character. Even in that awful suit.

Dannii: [Couldn't hear her over the cheers] Cheryl: I think that was the best performance you’ve done so far. That shouldn’t have worked bu you absolutely smashed it. Simon: This was the person we fell in love with during auditions. It was fun, it was different, it was original. That was really really really good and in a different league.

Simon Warren on Twitter said: “that was brilliant!!! Olly made that his own!!!! #Xfactor finally they gave him a song he can act with!!!!”

Miss Frank

The Miss Frank girls are coming back nice and confident this week. Clive wants the girls to “get closer to each other”, the dirty old git. And the other notable thing from the VT is that Miss Frank now have their own logo on t-shirts. Interesting. Taking a cue from JLS last year?

Er..is it just our telly or is this a shouty shoutfest? Dannii: I have to say that I think the magic comes together when you’re physically together. I felt you were too spaced out in the beginning of the song. Cheryl: You girls have had to do a lot of adapting to get it together. Good on you girls, job well done. Simon: Taking everything into account, I thought it was mainly terrible. When you hear it back, you’ll understand what I’m saying. In the real world, it wasn’t good enough and I think you’re gonna be in real trouble tonight.

Rachel Adedeji

Rachel narrowly missed getting booted last week, perhaps mostly due to her horrible sequinned jumper that gave most of us nightmares during the week. She’s singing a Beyonce song this week – If I Were A Boy.

Oh, she’s lying on her back on the stage, something which didn’t help her opening notes. She was wobbling at the start and seemed to go for ‘power-vocal’ a bit too soon, but she regains her composure and possibly Simon’s respect – I see him nodding his head in time to the song. I like Rachel, she’s quite edgy and different.

Cheryl: It takes some guts to come out here and sing a Beyonce song. You came out fighting tonight girl. Simon: I liked it, I didn’t love it. It was too close to the original. I don’t know what’s happening with you, it’s like Dannii isn’t getting your personality out enough. Dannii: That was a fantastic performance.

Joe McElderry

Little Geordie Joe is singing Whitney’s Where Do Broken Hearts Go? Didn’t Robson and Jerome do this one as well? I love this kid’s voice, and he started the song well, which is more than I can say for most of the older singers this week. They could have dressed him up a little bit though. He looks like he’s popped on a hoodie to run down the shops. They haven’t really challenged his vocal range with this though. I was waiting for a key change or something.

Dannii: You nailed it in the auditions…blah blah blah. Simon: It pains me to say this, but that was note perfect! You take on one of the big Whitney songs. The only criticism I’m gonna give is that you’ve gotta raise your shoulders a bit and you’ve gotta learn how to perform. But a great great vocal. Cheryl: That was absolutely beautiful.

Danyl Johnson

Simon has pulled out all the stops tonight – he’s giving Danyl a Whitney Houston song from her new album!!! We get some criticism from Whit and Clive when Danyl overperforms the song in front of them. Cheryl stands by her comments about Danyl being cocky.

Watching Danyl reminds me that he has perhaps the most difficult task of all this year’s contestants – he’s always got to worry about having peaked too soon. His performance tonight is sudued initially, moving up to the massive gospel chorus I’d have liked to see Joe perform.  Quite daring to perform a song the audience have never heard before, but he deals with it well.

Dannii: Welcome back! Your first audition we were all wondering “Is he gonna peak? Where does he go from there?” Cheryl: Talk about challenging yourself Danyl! I have to say – you delivered! Simon: You didn’t exactly get rave reviews in that room. It’s a precious song for Whitney – the lyrics say it all and once again it was an incredible performance.

Lloyd Daniels

Wee Lloyd, poor fella. He’s got the looks, but so far he hasn’t impressed me with his mediocre vocals and sub-par performances. He’s a poor man’s Joe McElderry. He might survive on his looks, but Lloyd has a lot to prove. I don’t see him as a finalist – do you?

He’s doing a version of Bleeding Love by some bird off a reality TV show. Seriously though, why do all Ryan Tedder songs sound the same? Simon’s looking bored, but Lloyd’s cleverly playing to the lower part of his range, staying in the safe zone and not trying any vocal gymnastics.

Dannii: I agree with Whitney, you have the most beautiful tone in your voice. You’ve got to push yourself every week to get those big moments. Simon: You’re very very lucky that you’re cute and the chicks are going to love you. It’s like a mouse trying to climb a mountain. I’m going to put the blame for this on the girl on my right, who’s not working with you properly. Cheryl: I’m gonna take full responsiblity for the song I gave you tonight. It was a tough week, it was a diva week (breaks down in tears at Simon’s criticism) and I hope I haven’t let you down. I’m sorry.

The Slime Twins

Hate to have to admit it, but the Grimes brothers kinda won us over a little bit last week. They certainly weren’t the worst act last week, and they’ve been very low profile this week. The VT goes to great lengths to show the boys are nice  -with Brian Friedman singing their praises. And it’s a Britney Spears song – Oops I Did It Again

Oh shit, they’re wearing red PVC suits. And singing out of time and out of tune, did I mention that part? Terribly, they do the Titanic spoken bit from the middle of the song. These guys can’t sing, and if they were any other act than Louis’, he’d say they have the cringe factor.

Dannii: It’s a big week for you guys. I have to say, honestly vocally it’s not right, but it’s OK. The good news is, it’s entertaining, it’s fun.  Cheryl: The act I look forward to every Saturday night is you two. Whether it’s right or wrong, you two are thoroughly entertaining. Simon: Well, my initial reaction was, “What the hell was that?” Arguably – no, not arguably – that was the worst live performance I’ve ever sat through in all these years. I’m going to give you this – in the same way I felt when I watched The Exorcist – I didn’t like it, but I did want to watch it again.

Rikki Loney

We’re just not lovin’ Rikki here on Unreality TV, not helped by the fact that he’s been given an ‘endorsement’ by former X Factor winner Leon Jackson. Which is almost a kiss of death. Whitney warns Rikki that he may be out of his depth. Simon uses his prophet of doom voice to suggest that Rikki needs to raise his game.

Rikki’s singing Aretha Franklin’s R.E.S.P.E.C.T. and praise be! He’s removed his foul hats. Well at least he looks better. But when it comes to the “sock it to me” bit, he lets the backing singers do all the hard work. Shameful! A much better class of performance this week though, and I like the arrangement. Good.

Dannii: Well done…you’ve come so far. I see a little bit of Will Young perfomance and you were working the stage really well. Simon: I will give you respect, because I think what you did tonight took a lot of guts, because it was quite clear from meeting Whitney and Clive that they weren’t supportive of the song choice. Unfortunately, they were right. The song was far x3 too big for you – you went from a pub singer to a wedding singer in one week. It was uncomfortable. Cheryl: First of all, I’m going to say thank you for taking this song choice on. I know the comments from Clive and Whitney knocked you a bit. I thought you did a fantastic job.

Simon takes a minute out to tell Whitney she looks cute via the telly. Strange…a forthcoming celebrity romance?

Jamie Archer

In two weeks, Jamie has been the biggest fan ever of both Robbie and Whitney. If they put Seasick Steve or Neil Diamond in to mentor, Archer would suddenly have all their albums too. Biggest fan ever, honest guv!

I’m liking the start of this song. Jamie’s started the song – Christina Aguilera’s Hurt – in a sensitive way, and we’re really getting to see how good his voice can be. Better than his ‘rock voice’ in a way. You know what? I like this – he’s giving a very controlled performance – well done Jamie.

Dannii: You can tell you’ve had a lot of experience in your life – you brought a lot of softness to that song. Cheryl: I wasn’t sure about this in rehearsals. But by the end you totally made it your own and it was a great song choice. Simon: It thought that was absolutely fantastic. That felt real, it felt honest and most importantly, that works in the real world outside this competition.

Stacey Solomon

So, Stacey is one of the big hopes for the competition. Still a bit of a rough diamond in my opinion, but she has real potential, and wouldn’t it be awful if everyone was brilliant and had nowhere to grow? Whitney’s advice to Stace? “Use your arms.” And suddenly, I understand why Stacey sounds so familiar – she sounds like Catherine Tate! That was annoying me for weeks!

Stacey takes to the stage in a cute little dotted dress. The song’s another unfamiliar one and she’s not using her arms!!! What would Whitney think? But she hits some powerful big notes during the performance and it’s pretty much note perfect. Not a very lively performance though.

Cheryl: I think tonight you looked absolutely beautiful, you looked like a little popstar. It sounded like you totally got into the zone and you knew that song really well. Simon: Stacey look, this is both a positive and a negative – you are so out of your comfort zone at the moment, it’s unbelieveable. You looked tonight like you’d been plonked in that dress, made to sing a song that you didn’t know and then in the last 20 seconds or so you just kind of got it together. Dannii: It was a beaufitul performance – it was an exposing performance, you got into it and you smashed it at the end. You’ve just turned 20 and you’ve come from literally singing in your bedroom to performing on this stage.

Now, if Dannii had been thinking straight (sorry, that wasn’t a gay joke!), she’d have remembered that Simon gave Danyl Johnson a song he didn’t know. Oops.

One of the big weak spots in tonight’s song was the sheer number of obscure songs that I’d never heard before. Anyway, stay tuned for our X Factor Week 2 chart in which we give you our judgements as to who was best and who sucked ass.