Evenin’ all – are we all excited about tonight’s X Factor semi-final? Of course you are, or you wouldn’t be reading this!

Well, there are only four left – Danyl Johnson, Olly Murs, Joe McElderry and Stacey Solomon. And tonight, I’m going to pretend they’re the pinnacle of singing talent in the country. I’ve prepared for this moment for the last 8 weeks by banging my head against our living room wall every time Simon Cowell makes an absurdly positive comment about his own acts. Hell, it’s the fastest route to the brain damage required for this*.

OK, let’s do this stuff readers! Dramatic music? Check. Deep-voiced man reading out contestants’ names? Check. Judges giving reasons why you should love the contestants? Flip yeah! IT’S TIME…TO FACE…THE well, you know…

And here come the judges – Dannii always looking classier than Cheryl in her longer dresses. Male judges look…well…just like they have done every other week. And now, a little catch-up on this week’s theme: Michael Jackson. First up…

Olly Murs

I love Olly Murs. Like, he’s totally the new Robbie Williams. I mean, when Robbie dies of ego failure, they should have Olly sing at his funeral. His cheeky geezer persona will be just the antidote to that national tragedy.

Olly is singing Can You Feel It? a classic disco monster of a track. He isn’t tuneless in the slightest when he starts, and I can’t get enough of that skittish dancing he does. They’ve even let loose a blast of expensive sky-glitter in celebration of how brilliant Olly is. And pyro! Amazing. It’s like Jacko has been reborn. Let’s face it folks, that rendition was even better than the original. Murs is a musical genius.

Louis: You’re an all-round entertainer, you deserve to be in the final. Dannii: Can you feel it? Yes, we can all feel it in the whole room tonight. You have the full package! You have to be in the final next week. Cheryl: Everybody loves you – you’re an entertainer and everybody loves you. Simon: Once again, you put on a great show, you sang it really well, you look like a star, you’ve got the presence of a star. I hope people vote for you.

Joe McElderry

Cheryl introduces the magical Joe McElderry. Yep. he’s that lovable Geordie lad who’s been consistently brilliant and seems like such a deserving winner of this competition. All the judges say nice things about him, because he’ll sell singles by the ferry-load.

His song tonight is She’s Out Of My Life, and isn’t it brilliant when they choose less popular Jacko songs so that we don’t feel compelled to sing along or dance around our living rooms, thus distracting us from this melodic masterpiece. I’ve heard from an unnamed source (i.e. I made this up) that Joe is unfortunately too old to sing Ben. I’ve got chills, readers, right down my spine.

Louis: As Simon said, you’ve an amazing tone to your voice. You have the talent, you obviously need the votes. Dannii: You have just clocked up another superb performance. I could hear you all over the radio – you have to be in the final. Simon: You’re just getting better and better and better. I’ve heard a lot of versions of that song before – the latter part where you changed the tone of your voice, I’m really proud of you Joe. Cheryl: I think that was even better than anything you’ve done before.

Stacey Solomon

Stacey says in her video bit that she’s “the luckiest person in the world” – budge over Stace, so are Olly, Danyl and Joe. You’re all the luckiest person in the world. Plural. She so charmingly dumb. For my money, Stacey is the sexiest female in the semi-final, and also the best female singer in the semi-final.

Her song is The Way You Make Me Feel, slowed down and made all jazzy. Doesn’t she look hot in those short shorts folks? The routine gets dead tricky in the middle section, but does it impact her undeniably flawless vocals? No, it does not.

Louis: I wasn’t crazy about the song. I don’t think the song really suited you. I thought the whole performance took away from the voice. Cheryl: Talk about yummy mummy, you look hot. It was nice to see you moving about the stage. Simon: It was fine, it just wasn’t you. For me that became too cabaret. It affected your vocals at the end because you had too much to concentrate on. Dannii: We put it together so that you weren’t (quotes) a candle singing in the middle of the stage.

It’s great that we get to hear from Stacey after her performance, I love her personality, but what language do they speak in Dagenham? I can’t understand a word. But don’t let that distract you from that angelic voice readers. A star has been born over the past three months.

Danyl Johnson

The contestant who I’ve secretly been referring to as Danyl Christ Superstar, because surely he is the saviour of the pop charts. When this guy inks his record deal, it’ll transform the record industry. Simon reminds us that Danyl is the best singer in this galaxy and possibly the next. They’re sending out space probes to verify this as we watch.

Danyl is singing Man In The Mirror, such a poignant choice for a man who’s been scrutinised with more intensity than Jordan’s boobs on factory calendars. (I know this, BTW) Everything about that performance was flawless. Great voice, confident stage presence. His signature microphone flicking moves are out in force. Breathtaking.

Louis: [let's talk about the fact that Louis said "this is a singing contest"] Complains that the backdrop was distracting. Dannii: That was a really good performance. You’re back to what we were when we first saw you. Though I was confused by the backgrounds as well. Simon: It was absolutely incredible that performance, on the money, genuinely brilliant. What is amazing is that you got the guy’s career in the balance here and all you can talk about is stupid polar bears.

Danyl humbly thanks his fans and people who’ve voted for him. What a dude.

How indeed do you choose?

Dermot asks us how we’re gonna choose between all the contestants. Hell it’s gonna be tough. We’re staring in the face of musical perfection here. There’s only one way we can do this without sacrificing one of the four best singers Britain has ever seen – Simon needs to create a supergroup out of the final four. Think about it – instead of making us choose, let them all win!

Olly Murs (second song)

Yes, the dancing man is back. His song is We Can Work It Out. Different vocal delivery on this one, but need I mention that it’s top notch? Look at the dancing, it’s like he’s body popping, then it’s like his legs take on a life of their own. I really can’t believe that he can sing and dance like that at the same damn time! It must be witchcraft…

Louis: Another great performance. You have the likability factor and I like the fact that you didn’t choose a well known song. Dannii: Always a good performance. I’m not sure that song showed your vocals off to their best ability. Simon: This takes me back to the very first time we saw you – you’re the guy next door who dreamt of being a popstar and you thoroughly deserve to be in the final next week.

Joe McElderry (second song)

Joe’s relatives talk about him in between shots of him shining on stage like a teenaged singing Jesus. Tonight, he sings a song by Journey called Open Arms. He climbs up his perspex platform and delivers another note-perfect vocal, as the gods send down glowing pyrotechnics of approval. The crowd are rapturous.

Louis: You were absolutely born to do this, and you’re a natural pop star. I think if you recorded that song, you’d have a hit record tomorrow. Dannii: Everyone loves you, all around the country. With those two songs, you gotta be in the final. Simon: Your mentor decides, on the most important night of your life, to give you a song nobody has ever heard of. And it was the right choice. I genuinely hope and wish that you are there next week. Cheryl: I felt nervous for you because I know how much this means to you.

Stacey Solomon (second song)

Yes, it’s Stace again, and they show some slowed-down footage of her looking pretty foxy. And she takes to the stage in a classy frock – this must be the “candle singing in the middle of the stage” performance Dannii promised us earlier! She performs against a backdrop of a beautiful sky, which makes her look as if she’s flying, living her dreams. How can we ruin this for Stacey? How can we not vote for her after that majestic, emotive performance?

Louis: That song was incredible – the diva from Dagenham! Cheryl: That gave me goosebumps all over my body. I’ve got to see you in that final. Simon: Stacey, back in the game sweetheart. What I liked about that song in particular was the first part – the voice we first heard. Dannii: That was absolutely a perfect perfect performance. You’ve come from absolutely no performance experience whatsoever and that was world-class.

Danyl Christ Superstar

Danyl makes his eagerly awaited second coming to the X Factor stage. His final song of the semi-final is I Have Nothing by the Whitney. Simon and Danyl’s relatives tell us nice things about him, while we see footage of him practising stretching his mouth with Yvie Burnett in the studio. Doesn’t he look suave, readers? His soulful eyes look down the camera and beseech you to vote for him as the Pyro Gods  erupt in pleasure around him. A perfect pop performance and don’t you dare say otherwise.

Louis: I think Danyl that you have everything. You have the talent, you’ve got the vocal ability and I want people to vote for you. Dannii: That was a great performance, but I didn’t love it as much as the first one. Cheryl: This is the first time Danyl that I’ve ever seen you physically shaking, and after this performance, I wish you the best of luck. Simon: I don’t think you’ve had a fair criticism so far in this competition. I think for what you have done throughout this competition, which is to sing your heart out. You took on one of the biggest Whitney songs of all time on the biggest night of your life. You absolutely deserve your place in the final.

Wow. OMG! Weren’t they all absolutely amazing? Like, it was a rollercoaster ride of pop brilliance – there were ballads, there were pop tunes, there was dancing and there was some really accomplished standing still. There was all types of lighting – disco lighting, the Jesus light, pyrotechnics and everyfing. I’m hyperventilating…join me shortly for our Unreality TV X Factor chart where we rate the best and the best and the best (because there was no worst) performances tonight.

* Naturally, Unreality TV don’t recommend that you bang your head against your living room wall in an attempt to brain damage yourself into thinking this year’s X Factor finalists are any good. We are trained blogging professionals, and we’ve done this…on your behalf.