Of the many sob stories we faced during the X Factor boot camp, Emily Nakanda’s tale of woe hit home with me. Why? Because at one point during the boot camp show, my heart also stopped for a moment.

Colour me underwhelmed folks, but the male contingent were absolutely awful. I don’t know what the judges were smoking when they selected some of these people, but if it numbs my ears to the racket they produced, I want some too!

What we had in the male 14-24 group was a sorry looking bunch of eejits without the looks or charisma – never mind talent – to be on the X Factor. And that’s the ones that got through to the next stage.

The Female Singers

Wow. Obviously learning from previous years, every dead relative was dragged out of the closet as our 14-24 year old ladies paid tribute to their various grannies. There wasn’t a moist eye in the house, let me tell you.

I don’t know about you, but the sheer speed of the boot camp footage meant that we weren’t able to gauge any of these contestants. The end result is that you have a forgettable procession of faces. Lisa’s telling me off at this point for being too negative. Maybe it’s too early to be rooting for a specific contestant?

Bonus points to Louis Walsh for being the consumate mogul and encouraging several of the rejects to try and form a group for the group auditions.

The Geriatric Category

It always seems to be a great laugh when the pensioners get put through…until they show up at boot camp. What a waste of time. I mean, why bother? Seriously, is a 60 year old going to win a recording contract out of X Factor? Nope.

Out of ‘the rest’, girl whose father applied for her from beyond the grave got through. The nation suspects however, that he was planning on auditioning himself. And we had a dedicated father who was only chasing fame for his kid. I love that – get on X Factor and spend three months away from home. Yep, kids love it when daddy moves out to pursue fame!

Bonus Points To Simon Cowell For…

…noticing that the contestants are trotting out sad stories like they worked in a misery factory. Every contestant had their own soundbite…how convenient. This one’s for my dead father/my newborn son/my horse, Mr Ed/world peace. Fill in the blanks why don’t you?

However, Mr Cowell failed to notice that everybody he’s encountered so far has been the worst, the most irritating EVER, the most egotistical person I’ve ever met. It’s all about patterns baby – you’ve just got to know where to spot them!