Week 6, baby! And as if we didn’t learn our lesson with Rock Week, this week is dedicated to Queen Songs, which could be a combination of rock awesomeness and feeble awfulness.

Oooh, the husky voiceover guy says that last week’s X Factor reached new heights. Funny, most people thought it plumbed new depths. And they even show Simon’s slimy chickening out last Sunday. But they show all of the news response, showing that X Factor loves nothing more than to grab a few headlines…

Queen are brilliant though, aren’t they? Even the sight of O’Leary can’t dull the buz of those opening chords to One Vision! Introducing the judges to the campy falsetto of Flash, and nobody even bothers to boo Simon (they’re probably contractually obliged not to). Oh – video montage of Queen – old folks, how much do you miss Freddie Mercury right now? What a guy! The closest person to Mercury in the charts today has to be Lady Gaga? Agree/disagree?

Simon takes exception to Sting’s comments about the X Factor contestants (although Susan Boyle was never an X Factor act). He also pontificates a little bit about his desicion last week, citing the public vote once again, and their failure to spend money voting to save her. I’m about 55% convinced, so I’m gonna let Simon stay on the judging panel this week!

Jamie Archer

Jamie gets to do a little bit of Radio Gaga in front of Brian and Roger from Queen. Can the token rocker rock this track?

Oh, it looks like the Afro’s had a makeover tonight – curlier than before. He kinda starts the song in the middle, which is a no-no, but it’s a reasonable vocal. Beset by some tuning issues as well, he tries to get a little audience participation crammed into his performance as well, but the singing’s still ever so flat. Not my favourite Queen song, but Jamie pushes out a decent ending.

Dannii: Love the pyro! Jamie, you really know how to get the crowd going. They absolutely love you. In some ways it was a brilliant song choice, but it didn’t show off your vocal abilities. Louis: It was a good song choice. We’re looking for something that’s going to sell a million records.  I think doing a Freddie Mercury song has exposed you as a very ordinary singer with a small voice and very big hair. Cheryl: It’s always tough being furst up and you kicked off the show well. I really like you Jamie, but I don’t like your hair. Simon: You got an incredible reaction from the crowd.

Lloyd Daniels

Let the yawning begin – yes, I’m pre-judging Lloyd, but I’m confortable doing that based on all his previous performances. To make matters worse, he didn’t know who Queen were. Don’t they teach this shit in school? Gawd, I fear for the youth of today, I really do.

Ok, he’s singing Crazy Little Thing Called Love, and can I just say that Brian Friedman should be shot. The vocals are passable, and I have to give Lloyd fair dues for the singing, but come ON – the campest choreographer in showbiz, and he didn’t dress Lloyd up in biker gear and make him vamp it up like Freddie? Friedman’s staging this week was like every other teenybopper dance routine he does. But Lloyd? Definite improvement, I’m sad to say. This could guarantee him safe passage to the finals.

Dannii: I think you’ve now arrived – that was your best performance. Louis: It was so much better than last week. Simon: I sort of agree with the others. You a little bit like a puppy taking part in the Grand National. The song is too big for you, but you’re having fun at the same time. Cheryl: I’ve really seen you come into your own – I feel like the penny dropped for you this week.

Olly Murs

Mr Murs has us split at Unreality Towers.  He’s another contestant getting bogged down in lightweight dance routines, and tonight he’s singing Don’t Stop Me Now.

And it doesn’t start well – like Jamie, Olly’s beset by tuning issues. The thing about Olly is he takes everything into his own little ‘light entertainment’ universe. This is as far removed from rock and Queen as it could possibly be. Louis will undoubtedly say he made the song his own (which is a good thing, because I think Freddie would have disowned it). And another thing, he looks like he’s just finished a shift at Carphone Warehouse. Someone commented about him the other day that he looks like an estate agent or something – totally correct.

Dannii: You’re absolutely the best performer we have on the show by far. Your dance moves are absolutely incredible. Musically though, it swallowed up your vocals. Louis: That was an electrifying performance. Everything about it. You are the person that everybody has to beat. You remind me of Robbie Williams, Gary Barlow, but probably better. Cheryl: I think you’re in here for the long haul Olly. Simon: For once I agree with Louis. Watching this tonight, you are reminding me of Robbie. You’ve got an ability to always entertain.

Joe McElderry

Cheryl’s last act of the night – Joe was a favourite of mine, although slightly marred last week by the realisation that he’s almost the living reincarnation of Gareth Gates. The Queen guys say some nice things about him, though Simon does the ‘make or break’ speech. He’s singing Somebody To Love, a classic Queen track.

Nice start, they start with a gospel choir, and Joe’s approach is more George Michael than Freddie Mercury. But that’s actually a sensible move for him. Good clarity in his voice, though he needs to project a little more. Not enough power for my taste, but a solid performance – he looks like he’s enjoying it and he handles the high note brilliantly. Yes, I think we love Joe again

Dannii: That was fantastic – that’s one of the biggest Queen songs. You bring it on every week. Brilliant. Louis: It was a really really big song for a little guy from the North of England. You did a great job. I love your stagecraft. The only problem I have is that the choir helped you a little bit. Simon: I think you sang better last week. I thought at the beginning you kind of lost your way. Having said that I think you’re gonna be safe as houses next week. Cheryl: What they said is irrelevant – the people at home have ears!

John and Edward

Louis introduces the ever-controversial Jedward. Simon gives a fairly warm testimonial for the duo, leaving the great British public confused as to his true feelings for them. But Louis promises to show us how talented they actually are…

Alright stop, collaborate and listen – Lisa says that they’re doing Under Pressure but she wouldn’t be surprised if they drop into Ice Ice Baby – and they do, just as I typed this. And I’m struggling with this, but they’re actually decent. In fact, I prefer their rapping this week. The one problem they have is that they can’t quite be heard over the backing track. Louis looks like he’s about to wet himself. Whoa – and some random dude from the audience moons in the middle of their performance – classic Jarvis Cocker moment!

Dannii: Where do I begin? Let me ask you Louis – where does Ice Ice Baby fit in with Queen week? I’m sorry, even some of that rapping was out of time. Cheryl: I’m so happy to hear them chanting Jedward for once. There’s no boos. You put on a hard exterior, and we kind of forget that you’re 17 year old lads. Simon: I can’t judge you in the real world anymore. I have to judge you in Jedward land, whether that planet exists – if I take myself there, I would say that was your best performance. If people like you, they like you. Louis: This was your best performance, it was your most authentic performance.

Stacey Solomon

She’s got the voice of a Dagenham angel, and she’s literally the only female left in the competition! She’s singing the Highlander theme, Who Wants To Live Forever, which needs to be amazing. And is it me, or has she toned down the Catherine Tate act this week?

Apparently, Stacey will be doing this as a trademark Leona Lewis ‘big frock’ number. Maybe a trivial point, but I like her eye makeup tonight. The singing? Amazing. I didn’t think she could pull this off, but Stacey is impressing me with a strong vocal. Not perhaps as intricate as Mercury, but definitely shows her promise in this competition. And I can see this song being recycled for a Syco act in the near future…

Louis: That was incredible, professional. And you look like a diva, it’s like you’ve been doing this for years and years. Cheryl: That was absolutely stunning. I have to credit Yvie, whatever you did with your vocal this week, you totally sang your socks off. Simon: That was by a mile the best performance of the night so far. I feel like we’ve got you back again. Brilliant. Dannii: Brian and Roger when they heard you sing, they said don’t change anything. We are in a singing competition and you deserve to be here.

Danyl Johnson

Closing the show tonight is Danyl, Simon’s favourite to win, and the most controversial act this year. He asks Brian and Roger for advice about his cockiness problem, and they tell him to be himself. Simon thinks the song (We Are The Champions) is representative of Danyl’s fight to gain approval on X Factor. Hmm.

Oh, I like this – he’s not overdoing the performance, seemed to have a bit of a laugh at himself during the “bad mistakes” part of the lyrics. A few vocal annoyances aside, he’s the first one to give a truly ‘rock’ performance, and I have to credit him with that. Also, they’re not overusing the gospel choir to the point that Danyl’s drowned out. I think he might be back in the race tonight.

Dannii: I absolutely think was your best performance in the live shows. Louis: There’s nothing wrong with being arrogant and confident – if you’ve got the talent to back it up. Tonight you proved that you’ve got it all. That was the best performance of the night. Cheryl: I wasn’t sure when you started off, but you won me over by the end. And I like your hair like that. Simon: I thought that was absolutely fantastic. That was not a karaoke performance. You sang as if you meant it. You acted out the performance. Outstanding.

Well, that’s it for tonight folks! We’ll be publishing our weekly chart of who was hot and who…er…wasn’t hot on the show tonight. Stay tuned!