I’m A Celebrity 2011: Launch Night Live Blog!

by Gerard McGarry

Oh yeah! It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for – a bunch of almost-forgotten celebrities and z-listers being dumped in the Aussie outback in the name of gross-out entertainment! I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is BACK!

Lisa’s been keeping a tight eye on the lineup for this year’s I’m A Celebrity, but I’ll be discovering this bunch at the same time as everybody else! So pardon any spelling mistakes and inaccuracies – let’s just enjoy this first night of celebrity fun!

Meeting the celebs

Corrie’s Anthony Cotton promises to be irritatingly camp. And we don’t think he means the type with tents. Maybe he’s got the wrong end of the stick signing up for this show. Within minutes, Cotton is tap dancing with Stephanie Powers.

The most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen on this show has come on screen. Mark Wright. Ugh. Disgusting creature. He struggles to explain the concept behind The Only Way Is Essex. I can do it in one word: shite. Lorraine Chase is next and gets shockingly little screen time. She must not be in a current ITV show. There is also a boobilicious model whose name I’ll pick up later.

Then its YAY DOUGIE POYNTER! Is there NO-ONE from MCFly who hasn’t done a reality sh0w this year? Good Lord. And Fatima Whitbread is thrown into the mix without much fanfare. A Scouse comedienne I’ve never heard of – Chrissie Rock – is next in. The world collectively goes “meh?” A little jockey dude called Willie Carson discovers that he’s the perfect height for the booby model’s boobs.

First impressions? Some of the most obscure celebs I’ve ever seen on the show. But that doesn’t mean that it’s going to be an all-out disaster – we’ve got no preconceptions about most of these folk, so it’ll be a voyage of discovery!

Chucking them into the jungle

Our intrepid celebrities are airlifted to the edge of the jungle. And for their first trial, they’re sent to live in a smelly cave for the night. Antony tells us that the cave smells of dead insects. The question on everybody’s lips is: how does he know what dead insects smell like?

Predictably, Fatima rearranges the forest to make beds and comfy living quarters for everyone while the men stand idly by. That’s right…the I’m A Celebrity crew tried to get them to sleep in a rancid cave and the celebs improvised outdoor beds! Score one to the celebs!

Later on, we’re pretty sure Chrissie pretended to sleep talk. Mark Wright so far is showing no signs of struggling to be on TV without his script. We’re increasinly thinking that Jessica-Jane Clement is going to be the Jordan to Wright’s Peter Andre.

And then it’s time for the helicopter dive!

Antony Cotton decides to throw a strop about the parachuting out of a helicopter bit. Which couldn’t have been much of a surprise because I’m A Celebrity has had this rite of passage for years. It’s the first time tonight we’ve thought: “You knew this when you signed up, you idiot!”

Thought: Celebrity parachuting loses its impact when the celebs are doing tandem jumps with professionals.

The other team are trekking through the jungle. Without anything interesting to report upon, Jessice Jane Clement entertains us by telling Willie Carson that “she loves her Willie”. Bet he’s never heard that one before. Elsewhere Stephanie and Dougie bring the giggles when they fall out of their canoe.

Celebrity revelation: Dougie Poynter says he sucks at rhythm. We didn’t want to be the ones to point it out…

Bushtucker time!

And finally Freddie Starr makes his first appearance just before the first bushtucker trial. And if you don’t mind us being passremarkable (it’s what you came here for, after all) he’s sporting quite the pot belly. Be interesting to see how much that changes after a few weeks of starvation!

And what’s that first trial? The celebrities are split into two teams and put into a see-saw style contraption. They’re suspended above a vile vat of fish guts in water…and they have to BITE the stars out of a selection of live bugs to avoid being dipped into the stinking concoction! It’s like bobbing for apples, but with creepie crawlies that can bite you back! Lorraine Chase’s team get off to a great start, but Freddie Starr struggles to get the first set of stars. He’s still on the first box while Antony Cotton is fishing his stars out of a box of cockroaches.

How ironic is it that Freddie Starr can’t find…a star?

Yellow team – including Lorraine, Mark Wright, Antony, Chrissy and Jessica-Jane – are the winners. Freddie’s team get dunked…and Stephanie Powers is not happy about it. This means that the two teams are split up with the yellows living in relative luxury while the reds live in awful Snake Rock.

Freddie has a minor emotional breakdown when he realises that he’s condemned his team to basic rations. Willie Carson is quite brusque with him, more or less telling him to pull himself together. The yellow team by comparison receive a food parcel of tasty food. Fatima runs around the camp kissing everybody.

Lorraine Chase makes us laugh when she calls going to the toilet a Jimmy Riddle. That’s going to catch on, isn’t it?

I’ve been trying to work out Freddie Starr’s remorse over the first task failure. But he seems legit. And he’s already addressed the hamster-eating story from yesteryear – he says it didn’t happen and Max Clifford was the man behind most of it. Then he also says that John Lennon was one of his friends and Ringo Starr was in his band at one point. Not sure what to believe here – what do you think?

Greasy Spoon – Head To Head

For the first head to head task, the public have predictably voted Mark Wright to be the first from the yellow team to do a bushtucker trial. And for the red team, it’s equally predictable: Freddie Starr! Chrissy Rock reckons that Mark will ace the test because he’s the hungriest. Dunno about that, love!

Anyway, we’ll catch the results of that task tomorrow night. For now, I’m off for a Jimmy Riddle…

Gerard McGarry is a jet-setting, world-renowned Reality TV critic. In real life, Gerard works with web and social media strategy. His personal blog is at GerardMcGarry.com or follow him on Twitter @gerrybot