I’m A Celebrity, Day 5 Liveblogged!

by Gerard McGarry

I'm A Celebrity logoWoot! Another day, another I’m A Celebrity liveblog.

Before we begin, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I’ve never really watched I’m A Celebrity before. So, this is my first time paying attention to the series. Having liveblogged the show for five days now, my initial impressions are:

  • There’s a lot of filler. I understand that without the tasks, etc, it would be pretty dull, but they show previews before every commercial break of stuff coming up. You could watch this show on fast-forward and it would last five minutes.
  • Er…don’t the insect and gunk-related tasks get a little bit old after a while? I know it’s the wrong country for it, but it’s be class to have a bear attack the camp. Like, a real threat. Jordan swimming with pirhannas? Yes please.
  • Ant & Dec could be called Hit & Miss. In that order. Some of the jokes encite groans in our living room.
  • Kim’s verbal onslaught against Katie Price last night was brilliant – some real depth for once and not just an easy ride for the highest paid celeb in camp. We’ll have some more real relationships between our celebs please…

Anyway, let’s hope that’s all because it’s early days. Tonight, evil Big Brother the I’m A Celebrity producers have decided to split up the camp and put them in competition against each other.

Joe’s Insomnia drives him Insania

Joe’s having trouble adjusting to the jungle. He didn’t sleep due to the heat. And he seems comitted to acting father figure and laying down ground rules for the campers. Another lecture about the dangers of the jungle puts the celebs on edge. Justin Ryan in particular seems to have a chip on his shoulder about the whole thing. And Kim’s not pleased about the prospect of iinsects invading her nether regions.

Price’s Live Task: The Aftermath

Colin and Jimmy get drafted in to reassure us that Price wasn’t quivering like a freak just for the cameras. They’re certain that the whole episode was genuine. “Dear public, it would be thoroughly boring if Katie has to do every task, every day. And it also hurts her little feelings. You buy celeb magazines to read about her latest melodrama, so she thinks you love her. Then you repeatedly vote to smother her in cock(roaches). Tut, tut. Love, the folks at ITV”

Aw, f**k, she’s already threatening to leave. That’ll be her drama of the night. “I don’t need this, this show needs me.” Then “voice of reason” Gino tells us off for voting Price for all the tasks. Shame on us, public. Shame on us. No, shame on ITV for allowing her to go in there in the first place. They totally misunderstand her public image if they thought the public wouldn’t vote her for all the tasks.

Sorry, I know I’m moaning about this, but it’s total crap to put someone in there, then manipulate the public not to vote for them. I could see she was bricking it last night.

Moley moley moley

The ever-outspoken Kim plays on Justin’s insecurity about his facial moles. She unsubtly suggests that he should have them sawn off. Understandably, he’s upset about this and bitches about her to the other campers. She overhears and confronts him about it. On the face of it, she seems calm and polite, but you can almost see a murderous Kim ready to surface.

If I were Justin, I’d watch my back.

Gino’s horny

Totally ignoring the Jordan propaganda show, Justin asks Gino if he’s missing the wife. Gino doesn’t quite answer straight – he says he’s missing the rumpy pumpy. He didn’t actually say he missed rumpy pumpy with his wife.

Better still, he’s keen for some kind of sexual floor show, so he encourages Colin and Justin to become the first celebrity couple to shag in the jungle. Brilliant, Gino, you big pimp. Colin dodges that bullet by suggesting that the audience isn’t quite ready for that. “It might be more pay per view.” Which means if the price is right…

Celebrity Splits…

And finally, we get to watch the camp split in two. Bush Battles FTW! The opposing teams really take to the idea of competing against each other. Their first battle is for the right to stay in base camp. The losing team get exiled while the winners are exempt from being voted off.

It’s an endurance task, requiring the contestants to prop up buckets. If they let go, they get covered in stinking fluid. Brilliantly, Justin starts to work the remaining contestants, especially Joe Bugner. Then they go to work on Sam Fox, singing her hits hit single back to her.

Sabrina wins for the orange team after Stuart gets a spot of cramp in his arm. Poor baby. And beaten by a girl, too! 😛 The winning team return to camp to discover pillows and seat covers and dressing gowns. And beer!


By contrast, Exile is an utter hell hole. There’s only one bed, and there are rats and spiders crawling everywhere. Kim freaks out. You can’t clean this one up, Kimmie! Later on though, Lucy admits that the squalor wasn’t as bad as it looked.

And finally, the next task…

Gino is in the frame for this one. Will the pro-Price propaganda pay off? Aparently not – it might be Katie Price. In fact, it is Katie Price. Will this push her over the edge? Will she walk out of the camp?

Did she actually ask “Why are people picking me?” Well readers, why do you think people are voting for her?

Gerard McGarry is a jet-setting, world-renowned Reality TV critic. In real life, Gerard works with web and social media strategy. His personal blog is at GerardMcGarry.com or follow him on Twitter @gerrybot